


Atonement

by ledez_dreams



Category: Firefly, Serenity (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-07 18:43:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 51,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1123108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ledez_dreams/pseuds/ledez_dreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some pasts you won't truly escape.  Some ghosts will always come back to haunt.<br/>(Sequel to The Paquin Job and Under the Harvest Moon)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would love reviews on this one. :)

Mal and Inara rarely fought anymore.  When they did, it was never about jobs taken by the crew.  As they spent more time together, they gained a better understanding of one another.  Inara respected that although they were in a relationship, Mal was the Captain of Serenity. Even if, when it came to her shuttle, as she was constantly reminding him, he was only the landlord.  He decided what jobs they took and where they went, Inara kept her opinions, if and when she had them, to herself.

That's why Mal was surprised when he came into Inara's shuttle late one night.  It was a typical night, he had sat down with the crew after supper and planned the latest heist. It was planned with his old contact and friend, Monty. He had explained that they'd be setting course to Salisbury and outlined the work there.  They were looking to steal some medical supplies that Monty, a smuggler by trade was planning to sell to clients, predictably communities on border moons mostly.  Mal was looking forward to it actually and was cheerful later that night when he headed to Inara's shuttle.  

Her question had come to him as soon as he stepped through the door and before he could utter even a greeting.

"Are you avoiding the core planets?"  She demanded.

"Well, um... yes?"  Mal replied after recovering.  "Off the top of my head, um let me make sure I get the math right now, oh right, I can count  _everyone_ on this ship who's avoiding the core planets.  After the stuff we've seen and done, don't exactly think it'd be a bright move to accept work on Londinium."

I'm not kidding Mal," Inara was impatient.

"I'm not kidding either," Mal answered evenly.  "Besides, Salisbury ain't Sihnon or Londinium exactly, but some might call it core...ish."

"It's a border planet at best and you know it."

Mal gave her a look.  "What's this about 'Nara?"  

Inara sighed.  She'd approached this the wrong way.  She tried to start over.

"Mal," She began carefully. "I've been getting waves.  From clients.  They're asking when I'll be available, trying to set up engagements. And I don't know what to tell them."

"Oh." Mal's surprise was evident.  He sat down heavily across from her on the chaise as she sat on her bed.  

"I didn't know... I thought that part of your life..." Mal tried to put it into words. "I didn't expect you'd be taking clients anymore Inara."

"It is my _life_ Mal," She amended her words when she saw the stricken on his face. "It's my _livelihood_ , I mean.  My work.  It's the work I trained my whole life for.  And I do it well."

"Doesn't take that much skill though does it, I mean if we're being honest here."  Mal couldn't resist the jibe.

"Don't." Inara warned. Not angry yet, but Mal knew she'd get there if he continued down that road.  They sat in silence.  Mal turned to her.

"I'm sorry."  He was. "And for the record, I ain't avoidn' the core to keep you away from your work Inara.  If I'm being truthful, I didn't even think... I didn't know it bothered you, not working."

Inara came off the bed and sat beside him. She took his hand.  "I've been happy with you Mal.  Happier than I ever thought I could be.  But this isn't about you.  I need to work.  You couldn't ask Simon to stop being a doctor, could you?  Or Kaylee to stop being a mechanic?"

 _But it ain't the same_ thing _!_  Mal wanted to roar at her.  He stopped himself, with effort.  He knew he wouldn't get anywhere with her anyway.  He put his head in his hands.  There was a long moment where neither of them spoke.

"What does all this mean?" He inquired finally, his voice mumbling. "I feel like we're talking about more than a couple of visits to the core here. How does this affect us?" 

 Inara took a deep breath. "I've been thinking of this for a couple of months. I did think about retiring. It was a serious consideration. I don't need the money, I can choose to take the clients I want." She waved her hand in the air. "But I miss the work, Mal. It's not about sex, it's about helping people. The work of a Companion... Mal, it's _therapy_. It's good work, as misunderstood as it is." She shook her head sadly. "I don't want to lose you.  And I know it's not easy for you. Few companions can maintain long term relationships. It's obviously hard for someone on the other side of that kind of relationship to accept. I know it's hard for you. But I do love you, Mal. I hope you know that.  I want to work.  And it has nothing to do with my feelings for you."

 Mal was silent. His head was bowed. Finally he nodded.

"I know you do 'Nara. I love you too. But I don't know if I can..." He trailed off. "We're so different you and I, I'm not blind to that. I don't know if this can work, I'm sorry if it's a failing on my part, I surely am. But I never claimed to be a great man."

"Oh Mal," A tear fell down Inara's face. "You're a good man, the best kind of man." They sat there in silence, both feeling sad and alone. Finally, Inara whispered tentatively, "where do we go from here?"

"The job.  We do the job."  His looked up, decision made.  "It's all sorted out, so let's best get it done with.  Then we talk.  And we can see about getting to the core a little more, if that's what you need.  I just don't know where I can be in all this.  With you is what I mean.  I don't know if I can do both.  You need to give me time to think.

"I respect that," Inara whispered.  Her voice shook.  "I love you Mal.  I don't want to lose you.  But if you love me, I have to be me.  Otherwise you aren't loving the real me."

"I know Inara," Mal answered, squeezing her hand. He kissed her cheek, wanting to crawl into bed with her and pretend this conversation had never happened.  But he got up anyway and walked slowly out of her shuttle, closing the door behind him.

***

As he walked back to his bunk, it was towards his first sleep alone in months, a lonely feeling.  On the way, Mal paused, spying River sitting alone in Wash's pilot seat as she so often did, by herself.  Used to be he had sat with her on occasion, talkin' or just staring out into the black.  But he didn't do that anymore.

Mal stood below the ladder considering his pilot, wondering what she was thinking.

"You okay?"  She asked, not turning around.  

 _I can't even begin to think about knowing how to answer that, little one _,__ Mal thought, wondering if she knew.  There was only silence.

"Yes." He said finally, turning away.  "Goodnight Albatross."

***

They'd been together close to a year now.

Mal's misgivings about him and Inara stemmed from her work as a Companion but it didn't end there.   She was intelligent and well read and without doubt the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Hell, he _liked_  arguing with her.   Yet some of her opinions when it came to politics, religion really did get under his skin.  Inara could speak with an air of superiority, like she had an idea what it had been like for him and his growing up on the rim and fighting a war.  She had always been firmly in favour of unification, but her convictions stemmed from a life in the core and relative luxury, where Unification was an abstract concept that wouldn't change her life at all. Until she boarded Serenity, Inara had no idea what alliance rule was like for folks on the rim. Yet she had this infuriating way of acting like she knew better.  But he had to respect that she had come around a lot in the last years on the ship.  Experiences, especially Miranda, had opened her eyes to a lot of the issues he himself believed in and had once fought for.  There was some healthy mutual respect there.   _And love._

When the others found out, Kaylee was thrilled.   Simon shrugged, happy but not really caring much one way or another, except that it made Kaylee happy.  Jayne asked what the going rate was these days and maybe he could afford it. Inara had smacked him a good one and assured that him he most certainly _could not_ before Mal could tear a strip off him.  Zoe, he knew, felt glad he had found some happiness.  She liked Inara and showed her quiet approval.  River just gazed at the new couple. It took a little courage to meet her eyes on account of whatever it was always simmering between them, but he couldn't read her face.  She seemed thoughtful.  But she'd never said anything.  And it all carried on. 

If he was honest with himself, Mal knew that the whole incident with River on Paquin had pushed him to Inara much faster than he may have on his own, if he ever would have.  Even thinking about that whole thing was something he did rarely these days.  But tonight he indulged himself.

If Inara was off limits, River Tam was in another gorram galaxy. After that job, the sight of River gliding around his ship in those dresses and that way about her... it had been so difficult to get her out of his mind.  For weeks after that job, every time he spoke to River, Mal found his gaze directed at her lips and felt them ghosting their way over his body.  And the worst of it was that these thoughts came with the sinking awareness, that she _knew._ She knew what was he was feeling, thinking.  She had the courtesy to never acknowledge it, which he took as a kindness.  But it made him feel worse.  The disconnect between his good sense and his instinct was infuriating.  River was almost fifteen years younger than him, had a brother who would absolutely kill him if he had any inkling of the dirty thoughts sneaking around his Captain's mind.  Not to mention she was a disturbed psychic genius who had only just gained a tenuous hold on her sanity in the last two years. Despite all these factors, Mal couldn't get her out of his head. And it was more than a little irritating and very embarrassing that he, a grown man, couldn't seem to get control of his hormones.

To cope, Mal adhered to strict rules when it came to River.  He refused to spend any time with her that wasn't with other people, instructing her during the day about flying, or about jobs.  Instruction wasn't strictly necessary when it came to River anymore, fast learner that she was, but there were little things that came up along the way. Aside from that and her presence on most jobs, Mal largely avoided her. It had made things bearable, but he still couldn't quite get her out of his dreams. Dark, sexual dreams that he woke up from night after night, especially in those early days. He couldn't take it.

Inara had been his escape.  He'd gone to her one night ten months ago and knocked on her shuttle door.  She opened it, joking it was the first time he'd ever knocked.  Before she could finish the sentence, he was kissing her.  Her arms had immediately gone around him, welcoming, pulling him in and slamming the door shut.

And it had worked.  Mal and Inara.  He finally had her, the object of his long held desire.  And he was _happy_.  If he had partially used her as an escape at first, it didn't change the fact that he'd come to love and respect her more than he'd ever thought possible.  They shared something he'd never shared with anyone else.  It wasn't just an escape from the special hell.  It was damned  _special _.__ River resumed her place in his mind that constituted crew.  And if his gaze lingered at her too long when he wasn't thinking, or if he shivered at the occasional small touch shared between them, it was bearable because he had another woman to love.  And what a woman.

Then there had been that night on Athens.  With that boy who had been oh so smitten with River.  He couldn't stand to think that some rim planet teenager had grappled with River.  She deserved so much better.  He had seen her leave the bar with the boy and come back a couple hours later.  And he knew, he just  _knew_  that she had been with him.  He also knew that it was none of his gorram business.  Most of all though, Mal felt guilty that he could love Inara so much and yet also feel such... jealousy towards a boy who had laid hands on River Tam.  He had been awake all that night, thoughts of that night on Paquin, on that almost unnatural heat between him and his pilot.  He had avoided thinking about any of this in a waking state, leaving the memories of River to reside only in his now blessedly _occasional _dreams.__ Yet that night, those memories riled him up more than he had been in months.  Mal had never felt so conflicted.  The next morning, he resolved to commit himself fully to Inara, to shut out thoughts of River Tam from that point on.  And it had worked.

And here Inara was, only a few months later telling him she wanted to take clients again?  He knew logically that she needed to work, how much her job was part of her identity.  Deep down he'd always known this conversation was coming.  She'd been right when she pointed out that if he loved her, he had to love the Companion in her.  But it still hurt and was hard not to take it personally, that she wanted to actively seek out other people to take into her bed, for pay.  As he lay in his bunk, Mal knew in his gut he wasn't the kind of man who could ever come to terms with that kind of arrangement.

His sleep was fitful.

 


	2. Chapter 2

***

The medical supplies job was a welcome diversion from Mal's thoughts over the next few days. Inara respected his wishes for time to think and didn't bother him about any of what they had talked about in her shuttle during this time. And he knew she, like everyone else on his boat was thrilled to be seeing Monty again.

By some miracle, Monty had managed to be spared in the bloodbath that the Operative had rained down on the crew's contacts during his hunt for River. They had accepted him as gone since his home had been destroyed like all the others and mourned Monty and his crew along with everyone else they'd lost. It wasn't until six or so months later that Monty, to everyone's surprise had contacted Mal about work. It was like seeing a man back from the dead. The day before the destruction, Monty had been called away off planet with some work, grabbed a small crew and left in the quiet of night without informing anyone. It had been his saving grace. But he had returned home a few days later to bear witness to a massacre.

"It was the likes of nothing I'd seen since the war. Women, children, they didn't care none about who they killed." He'd recalled over shots of whiskey one night. Mal had shuddered, remembering Haven and it's similarities.

"I'll never be able to forgive myself for the terror I brought down on you and yours." Mal had said sadly.

"Aw Hell Mal," Monty had exclaimed. "It ain't your fault. Alliance will always meddle in a man's life one way or another, we always knew that. We fought a gorram war over it, didn't we? They brought this on us. And for what you did, exposin' what they did to that planet, Miranda, I see why they went to lengths to keep that secret. And besides, it's finally got people talkin' again about unification. They're startin' to realize that Alliance are keepin' em down out here on the Rim, that they don't care none about us out here, and we don't owe em a damn thing."

It was true. There was talk, a _lot_ of of talk these days on the cortex, examining the value of Alliance control.  There was outrage and horror with what had happened on Miranda, fear it could happen again, not to mention questions of what could be happening right now that citizens weren't aware of.  Ironically, the attacks that the operative had made on Mal's contacts hadn't gone unnoticed either. Those attacks had occurred nearly simultaneously on five separate outer worlds, killing hundreds of folk.  The Alliance had dismissed these as terrorist attacks by Reavers. The core bought this propaganda, always believing the rim to be uncivilized, unclean. But out here, there were no shortage of conspiracy theories, trying to make sense of so many civilians dead. No one, not even Reavers, _especially _not Reavers__ could coordinate attacks such as these, folks reasoned. At worst they pointed fingers at the Alliance themselves as responsible, at best, they used it as yet another example of how a core government could not adequately protect and provide for the border and rim planets.  The unrest wasn't as bad as it had been in Mal's youth before the war, but sometimes it gave him pause to wonder where it was all headed. 

In the meantime, it was good to still have friends like Monty out there.  Monty had helped Serenity's crew get back on their feet after losing a lot of their prospects with Miranda.  He introduced them to new contacts, and always referred people to Mal when they had a special job in mind, often ones that bent the rules for what was strictly legal.  

The current one on Salisbury, also not strictly legal, went by without a hitch.  Monty, not having the crew or tools necessary for theft, needed Mal's crew to secure the goods.  After that, they'd rendezvous on Regina to deliver, distribute and split the profit.  It wasn't nearly as daring as the heist on Ariel had been, the medical supplies had been stored in an old warehouse outside of Salisbury's largest city, awaiting shipment to all the planetside hospitals and clinics.  Mal and Zoe came up with a plan for them and Jayne to get in and out, Simon had helped them decipher what to take from there of value.  It was a perfect crime, and they knew Salisbury wouldn't suffer any. It was a planet that had largely supported unification and there was a strong political presence.  They'd receive new supplies quickly.

"Feels good to do some quality crime again, stealin' from the rich and all," Mal said cheerfully as the mule sailed back on board Serenity only two hours after they left, cargo intact.

"it'll feel even better to get paid!  Don't much care where it comes from." Jayne replied, closing up behind them.  "Haven't had a job like this in months!"  Simon, Kaylee, Inara and River were there to greet them.

"I'm so excited to see Monty!" Exclaimed Kaylee.  "How long we got down there you think?"

"Couple a days for sure," Mal replied.  "As long as it takes to get this stuff to all the dealers.  Monty's got at least four deliveries lined up for tomorrow.  We'll hang around for that, help out a little." He searched for his pilot, who was standing on the stair watching them start to unload the mule. "Get us into atmo and plot a course to Regina, Little one,"  He called up to River.  She smiled and turned to head to the bridge.  He turned then to Zoe.

"Send a wave over, tell em we'll be a few hours at most, Jayne and I'll get this stuff secured."  Zoe inclined her head and started off.

"Job well done." Mal commented before Zoe walked away.  Felt that familiar satisfaction of everything gone to plan.

"Couldn't agree more, Sir."

***

The next few days were pleasant.  Hard work during the day mixed with the reunion of good friends over campfire at night.  

"Whatcha got planned after this?" Monty asked the night before they were about to part.  They sat around the fire companionably, sharing some of Monty's Bourbon. It was a peaceful night, someone was playing a guitar somewhere, the melody mixing with the pops and cracks of the burning wood.

"Eh, lay low for a while, I expect," Mal mused.  "We gotta see about getting our resident Companion closer to the core for some work at some point too."  

"Work, huh?" Monty proceeded cautiously. "Jayne tells me you've taken up with her.  I had it in mind she wouldn't be after that kind of work no more."

Mail sighed heavily.

"You and me both," He replied honestly.  It was a relief to talk to someone off his boat about this.  "She's wantin' to take clients again she says.  Misses it.  Says that it's a form of therapy and she misses help people work out... whatever it is that needs workin' out I reckon.  I guess when you train for something your whole life, it's hard to take the Companioning out of the woman."

Inara was sitting with Kaylee across the fire and Mal gazed at them.  He hadn't been avoiding her exactly.  During the day, they were cordial, even warm with each other.  He had even found himself giving her affectionate shoulder rubs and held her hand once or twice during the last few days.  But he hadn't been to her shuttle since the night they had spoken.  He felt her absence with a pang every night as he crawled into his bunk alone and wondered if she felt the same.  He knew the next few days things between them would get sorted and he wasn't looking forward to it.

"Well she's a fine woman, ain't no one can deny that," Monty said contemplatively.  "and hell Mal, I respect a woman's work of _any_ kind. But let me tell you, it'd take a bigger man than me to watch my _own_ woman do work like that."  WIth this, Monty drained his cup and poured himself and Mal another Bourbon.  Mal nodded.

"That's the problem,"  He replied.  "Don't want to lose her, but can't keep her like this.  I also don't want to lose her off my boat.  Whatever she is to me, she's family too.  Been through a lot with us."  

Mal sipped his drink and turned away from Inara.  As he looked around, his gaze fell to River, talking with some boys her own age who were on Monty's crew.  He felt that familiar annoyance, especially with one of the boys hovered around her, clearly infatuated.  There always seemed to be at least one boy looking to River every time they landed somewhere new.  She did have a way of standing out.  Mal didn't know how Simon could abide it all, but he seemed to tolerate it, said it was a "healthy part of normal development."  Mal didn't know if he would be so cool headed about his own sister if he'd had one, but he supposed it was better than the doctor breathing down River's neck about every boy she talked to.  

He watched as River said something that made everyone laugh.  She had that bemused look in her face that showed she didn't know why what she said was funny.  It was good to see her all normal, being able to carry on a conversation with strangers, he figured, trying to be fair.  And she didn't seem to be paying any boy special mind, not even the one who looked like he was hanging onto every word, hoping for a little more.

"That's quite a girl ya got there too, Captain Reynolds," Monty commented, watching him watch River.  Monty knew a little about River's part in Miranda, although Mal had been cagey about all the details.  He knew Mal kept her close on most of the more serious jobs, and had even seen River fight once.  Seeing a one hundred pound girl take out six grown men had convinced Monty there was a hell of a lot more to her than met the eye.  "I'd hold onto her, seems she'll bring you a lot of good fortune."

"You're not wrong about that one."  He sighed.  "She's been our luck in many a situation. Not sure when I managed to get so many complicated women on my boat.  Two of which could kill me in my sleep, one of those probably using only her brain to get the job done." Referring to Zoe and River.

"Ha!" Monty laughed and clapped Mal on the back.  "The world's full of complicated women, Mal.  I got my lady crew and the wives and daughters of my men crew to contend with.  Makes a man mighty tired, dealing with all that drama. you're lucky you only got four on board.  And you got the best kind of woman, all four of em. I 'spect they'd all follow you into hell and back, if you asked."

Mal drained his cup for the third time that night and held it out for a fourth. Wasn't that the truth.

***

The next morning was full of activity.  After breakfast, as everyone else helped strip down camp, both bleary eyed Captains prepared their respective ships to haul off Regina.

Once the work was done, the two crews stood around their ships, goodbyes and well wishes being exchanged.  Kaylee gave Monty a hug and quick kiss and Monty blushed, embarrassed. He shook Simon and Jayne's hands.  Then he turned to Zoe.

"Always a pleasure Zoe, you take care of your old grumpy Captain for me," Monty winked at Zoe who grinned in return.

"Someone's gotta keep a sound mind and the ship in one piece."  She replied jokingly. 

"Good to see you Mal, and good doin' business."  Monty and Mal shook hands and embraced. "I hope it's sooner and not later next time."

Suddenly, Mal heard a gasp.  There was a flurry of activity behind him.  He barely had time to turn around before Mal found himself disarmed of the gun in his holster.  River whirled, pointing Mal's gun towards Monty's crew.

"Just what in the hell-" Monty started, but was stopped by the sound of a gun going off.

It wasn't what they expected.  It wasn't River who had acted.  Instead, it was River who had been shot.  She crumpled to the ground beside Mal, the unfired gun still in her hand.  Kaylee screamed.  

Before Mal had time to process this horror, another gun went off.  The bullet met it's fate in the chest of one of Monty's crew, just a boy, maybe eighteen.  The boy fell to the ground.  If not dead now, he would be in a minute or two, Mal knew.  But he was the one who had shot River, the weapon still clutched in his dying hand, mirroring the one that had fallen from River's hands.  It was the same boy, he realized dimly, who he had noticed hovering over River the night before, with what he had thought was infatuation and lust.  

It was too much to process.  River was down beside him, her soft whimper paining him in a way that was almost too much to bear.  He pushed his concern for her out of his mind for the time being and took in the surroundings.  No one had moved since the two victims had fallen.  Who had fired the second shot?  No one on Monty's crew.  He glanced at his own people.  Zoe and Jayne had reacted immediately, aiming their rifles at Monty and his crew, some of which had aimed their guns at them but neither side had fired.  Monty was as shocked as he was.  They looked at each other, unsure what to do next. It was a tense moment. 

"I'm so sorry, Captain Reynolds," A voice broke the silence.  "I only wish I had made it here a little faster."  The cultured, accented voice made Mal shudder.  He knew who it belonged to before he turned to face the man.

There, standing with the weapon that'd killed the man who shot River, was the Operative.

 


	3. Chapter 3

***

"RIVER!" Simon yelled, disregarding everything else around him and running to his sister's side.  She laid on the ground, barely moving.  Simon immediately opened the bag he always seemed to have close by and pulled out strips of cloth.  

"Simon," River moaned.  "Mal..."  Mal knelt down at one side as Simon came to her other.  She'd been shot in her left upper arm, a shot no doubt intended for her heart.  She reached up to Mal with the right one, her eyes registering shock.  He tried to reassure her with his eyes.  She'd get away with just a sore arm and a bullet sized scar by Mal's assessment.  Nothing fatal.  He'd seen much worse.  All the same, Mal was still mighty relieved the doc was there as he gently began wrapping the cloth around River's arm and assessing her, performing his duties impeccably, despite the fact it was his precious sister he was doctorin'.  Mal turned away from River, with effort.  He looked up, saw Monty looking to him questioningly on one side and the Operative on the other.  He was just beginning to process what had happened and fury was descending down around him.

" _You_.  You brought this down on us," His voice was dangerous as the Operative approached, his weapon back on the ground where he'd left it and his arms in the air, palms outward.

"Mal," River touched his arm, her voice a whisper.  He turned back to his pilot.  Despite her obvious shock, her eyes were clear and sure.  "He saved me, maybe saved all of us.  He's not the enemy in this."  Mal regarded her with the kind of calm assessment he'd felt before, usually in war time.  Assessing if his soldier was capable, if his soldier spoke true.  He decided he trusted her judgment.  She believed what she was saying and that was good enough for him.  He didn't have to like it though.

"No Captain, I tried to prevent this from happening," The Operative answered him calmly, arms still in the air.  "I apologize that it wasn't as... successful as my other endeavors."

"Zoe, cuff him," Mal ordered shortly, ignoring the man's words.  He glanced to Jayne, "Help the Doc get his sister into the infirmary.  Everybody back on the boat _now_!" His voice a yell.  The crew obeyed him immediately.  Zoe kept her gun trained on the Operative, who offered no resistance as she placed handcuffs on his outstretched palms.  

"Mal, who is this?  What's going on here?" Monty broke in.  Some of his men were leaning over the boy who'd been shot.  The ones who had only just met Serenity's crew were starting to register looks of suspicion and retribution on their faces, stopped only by a look from their Captain.   _Do nothing_ ,  Monty signaled.  He took in the look passing between Mal and the man standing in front of him and knew there was more going on here than a random shooting.

"He's Alliance." Mal replied shortly.  It took a lot of effort not to take back his weapon from where River had let go of it in the dirt and shoot the Operative where he stood.  He glanced at Monty.  "I don't know what any of this is or what it means, but this man does.  And he's got some explaining to do."

***

Twenty minutes later, Mal was sitting with Monty in the galley on Serenity.  Across from them, the Operative had been handcuffed by Jayne to one of the chairs, a job Jayne had been more than happy to do.  Jayne and Zoe stood behind the man, keeping silent guard.  River was in the infirmary as Simon and Inara tended to her with Kaylee looking on.  Mal had joined everyone in the galley after satisfying himself that River was alright.  As Mal had predicted, the boy on Monty's crew was dead on the ground by the time Simon examined him.  It was this boy they were now discussing with the Operative.

"Lars Wakefield was new to us," Monty was explaining.  "I hired him right before this job about two weeks back, needed a new gun for hire after Sam's wife made him retire, what with the baby and all.  Came recommended from an old friend on Dyton.  Seemed to be doing well." Monty shook his head.  "Truthfully, I didn't think 'bout him much one way or the other.  He was pleasant enough, liked by most, so far as I can tell.  You're telling me, he was _Alliance_?"

"Not just Alliance, an Operative, like I once was." The man, the one who had brought such terror on Mal's crew three years earlier explained to them both.  He turned to Mal.  "I've been tracking the Alliance's black operations for the last two years, I am no longer with them.  I... could not continue to work for them once I knew what I..."  He paused, looking genuinely upset. "I cannot make amends for the horror I caused you and your crew, Captain, but I made it my business to ensure the safety of all of you, especially of River Tam.  It's... the only atonement I can make for my sins."  

"Well you have a hell of a way of atoning," Mal snorted.  His hands clenched together on the table.  "She could have died."

"I'm truly sorry, Captain," The Operative did look distressed about this point. "You must know, you haven't always been easy to track.  It was usually easier following Alliance since I still have contacts in the government.  Through these contacts, I learned about a year ago that a few members high up in the Alliance government, ones who have links to the academy River was at, were trying to remove all the evidence of it's existence.  They are afraid, you see.  The mess of Miranda has been bad enough for the Political climate.  Unrest has been spreading, especially out here.  It will make matters much worse if the public learns of what has been done to innocent children.  The academy project has ended, Captain, but River is proof of it's existence, proof that they cannot abide."

"So he was here to kill the girl?" Monty asked.  "That boy, who I hired, was here to get to Mal and his crew the whole time?"

"You couldn't have known," The Operative assured him.  "His records would have been carefully forged.  Your connection on Dyton didn't know who he was recommending, and there is no sin in trusting a friend.  I assure you that you are blameless in this whole matter.  I knew there was an Operative.  I tracked him up until he was at a facility in Bernadette, then suddenly, I lost him.  It was as though he'd vanished.  About a week ago, I tracked him to Dyton, but by then he had joined your crew.  I only discovered your location yesterday, and came as quickly as I could.  Too late to avoid River being shot, but not to avoid her being killed."

"Yeah, ain't you just a real Hero?" Jayne grumbled from behind him.  "Be still my heart.  Mal, when we gonna stop listening to this piece of  _go se_ and start with the pain?"

"Jayne," Zoe said warningly.  Mal glanced between them and ran his hand through his hair.  What a mess this was.  

"Look, is River in danger now?" Mal asked impatiently. "Actually, scratch that, are _any_ of us in danger?"

The Operative considered this.  "Not at the moment.  This Operative has been... dealt with.  I don't doubt there will be others, but that's not my or your concern at the moment.  You must understand, this is not an official assignment.  As such, there are few people who know about it, there are only three or four members of government left who even know about the academy.  River is not the first target of this work by any means.  Anyone else who knew of the academy, all the top scientists, doctors, psychologists.  They're all dead.  The only reason River has escaped is that she is with you, hard to track.  And her... abilities make her a difficult target.  I have no doubt that the boy was trained to withstand her psychic ability.  That's why she was unable to sense his intention, and I'm sure she had opportunity to be around him.  Although, given her reaction, she did appear to pick it up at the last second."

There was a silence as everyone contemplated this.  A conspiracy in which people were being systematically eliminated.  Mal didn't see those who were complacent in the torture of River and the other students at that place winding up dead any great loss to the Verse.  But that Alliance would go to these lengths to kill top scientists, doctors, just to cover it up... well it wasn't all that surprising, actually.  But it _was_ disturbing.  

"If you consent to let me go, Captain, I will continue to monitor the Alliance through what channels are available to me, that I can promise you."  The Operative stated.  "But I also know you once promised to kill me if you saw me again.  And if that is your choice, then I can only respect that."  Mal stared at him for a long moment.  To satisfy his sense of justice, he would gladly end this man right now.  But the Operative had saved River, there was no denying that.  Mal shuddered to think if that boy had been able to get a second shot in.  And It chilled him to think that River had spent most of the previous night right next to him and had not picked up on anything out of the ordinary.  His gut told him that the Operative,  _ex Operative_ , was more valuable to them alive.

"I believe you," Mal said finally.  "You continue working for our interests like you say you are, things will be alright between us.  I won't waste your time by saying what will happen if you don't."

The Operative inclined his head politely.  "You have my word, Captain.  I will do whatever is in my power to protect River Tam."

***

"Well, it almost went smooth.  That's something," Mal commented to Monty, back on the ground an hour later.  The two shared a laugh.  Zoe and Jayne had just returned from escorting the Operative to his ship a few miles down and were getting ready to leave the planet.

"I'm truly sorry for your troubles."  Mal said, wondering if he would spend the rest of his life apologizing to his friend for one thing or another.  A con for a wife, a fed for a crewmember, it was getting a bit old.  Monty smiled wryly.

"Mal, you know I always feel unsettled when things go well.  A little disruption only serves to put my old mind at ease." The two shook hands again, echoing the goodbye from before.  Monty became sober.  "This is serious business you've gotten yourself into, Mal.  I realize that now today more than ever.  If you need anything, someone to shelter you for a while, help with anything... all you gotta do is send a wave."

Mal felt a wave of affection for Monty.  "Thanks.  It means more than I can say."  They parted company and walked to their respective ships.

"Fly true old friend."

*** 

"Well what do you think?" Mal asked Zoe after he'd got them off the world.  She'd been characteristically quiet throughout the whole ordeal and Mal wanted her counsel.  Mal had set Serenity for a course to nowhere in particular, switched the autopilot on, and he now stood with his second in command on the walkway overlooking the cargo hold.  The reassuring hum of the ship broke the silence.  After times of strife, it was a comfort to be off world, with nothing but the ship and crew together in the black.

"Don't much like any of it, Sir," Zoe replied, turning over the cup of coffee she held in her hand. "Don't trust that man one bit.  But River seems to believe he was telling the truth, and I trust _her_."  She shook her head. "I think we made the best out of a bad situation, Sir."

"I do too," Mal agreed.  "I don't know where to go from here though.  Do we just carry on like nothing's happened?  River gets better and we just go back to the way things were?"

"I don't see that we have any choice," Zoe answered. "If we believe what he said, he figures we don't have to worry about any Alliance plan for the time being.  If we don't believe him... I actually don't see what the other option is here, Sir, even if we don't believe him.   We can't avoid encountering folk we don't know in this line of work.  And any one could be Alliance.  So all we do is... be vigilant?  Be wary of strangers?  Nothing we don't do already."

Mal snorted.  He'd been thinking much the same.  They still had to get paid to keep flying.  "I'm going to decide to believe him. I'd rather assume that at the moment, no one is out to kill River, do God knows what else _and_ that we have an ex-operative, monitoring the Alliance for us.  That notion's a hell of a lot more comforting  than assuming we're all sitting ducks, and all we can do about it is... be careful?"  

"But we still should,"  Zoe pointed out.  "Be careful that is."

"Yeah," Mal answered.  "Just stay more under the radar than we usually do.  Whatever that means."

***

River woke up.  She started, instantly afraid, before she realized she was

 _nottheacademy_  

laying on the table in the infirmary on Serenity.  She also realized Simon was sitting beside her, holding her hand.

"Sorry Mei Mei," Simon whispered, stroking her palm.  "I know you hate it in here."  

"S'okay," River whispered back, giving him a small smile.  "You drugged me."

"I'm sorry about that too," Simon replied.  "You probably didn't need it.  A local anesthetic would have been fine.  But it was a hell of a lot easier for me to dig that bullet out of you without you looking up at me from the table.  So it was more for me than you.  You'll still be drowsy for a few hours."  He squeezed her hand and his voice shook. "I'm so grateful you're still here, River, if anything had happened to you..."

"It's okay Simon," River's eyes filled with tears.  She remembered feeling exactly as he felt now, on Mr. Universe's moon when he had been shot and she didn't know if it was going to be okay.  "I'm here."  She pulled him with her good arm, the other bound in a sling and they embraced. "You take care of me." She whispered, echoing her words of three years earlier during their standoff against the Reavers.

Simon smiled, understanding the reference immediately.  "We take care of each other."

"Ahem,"  There was an awkward cough from the doorway.  Simon and River looked up to see Mal standing there, his hands on his holster.  "Sorry to interrupt.  Just wanted to see how things were in here. Nice to see you awake Darlin.'" He glanced at River.  " _Oh_! and great to see you too, River." he added hastily, pretending he was only seeing her now. River smiled up at his joke. Simon shook his head, pretending not to be amused.

"Not at all Captain," Simon stood up.  "River just woke up.  She's going to be just fine.  A bit sore, about six weeks to fully recover, and some arm exercises, but she'll be just fine.:

"Glad to hear it," Mal replied.  "Don't need me to tell you that you did fine work Doc."  Simon nodded his head politely.  There was a slightly awkward silence.  Mal coughed again.  "Well I'll be leaving you two alone, sorry again for intrudin'."

  "No Captain, it's okay."  Simon gestured at the chair hastily.  "Visit with her for a while." He turned to River and took her hand again.  "You don't have to stay here tonight if you don't want to.  I can help you get to your bunk if you need later."  

"Thanks Simon," River smiled at him, squeezing his hand again before letting him go.  Simon nodded to Mal as he walked out of the infirmary, leaving Mal oddly touched, that Simon Tam trusted to leave his sister alone with Mal hours after she had been shot.  He turned back to River after the doors closed behind Simon.

"How you feeling, little one?"  She yawned in response.  He came and stood next to her.  "That was a close one.  Too close for an old man's nerves.  Wouldn't have been surprised a bit if you'd woken up in here with me layin' next to you, what with the heart attack you almost gave me."  

"I'm sorry," River replied, smiling sadly.  Mal felt contrite, even though he'd only been joking.

"Now I didn't mean to make you feel like that.  You did good, Albatross, acted quickly, like you always do.  Did us damn proud.  Just glad you're okay is all."

"Captain, I had no idea... didn't know who, what that boy was going to do..." River's brow furrowed.  "I was with him.  All last night, he was beside me.  I know how to block out people, but only when I know them well and have a sense of how their mind works.  If he had been thinking... but he _wasn't_.  He was hiding from me.  How can you hide in your own mind?"

"The operative figured he'd had trainin' River.  He thought he was testing you last night, to see if you could read anything off him before he acted this morning." Mal explained, and then told her everything he had learned.  River's eyes were closed, but she nodded periodically, showing that she was listening.

"We decided to let him go," Mal explained,  "If he's telling the truth, he'll be a help in what, if anything's to come.  And we'll just all have to get used to being a little more careful, keeping you safe.  Looking out for each other."  River opened her eyes.

"You did right," She replied. "He was telling the truth, Mal.  He wants to atone."  

"That's just what he said," Mal told her.  "Though I guess you already knew that."  They stayed in silence for a while.  Mal looked around the infirmary.  River studied him, seeing the strain in his face.  Finally, his gaze came back to her.  

"It'll be okay," River informed him.  "We'll get through it."

"I should be telling _you_ that, Darlin.'  Like I said, we all look out for each other."  He reached forward and brushed some stray hair out of her eyes.  It was the first time in months that they'd been alone, really alone, River realized.  The easy intimacy they had once shared, the same intimacy that had disappeared months back in the face of complications, came back, if only as a reflection.  It was nice to be here alone with _Mal_.  River considered, wondered if he felt the same.  He almost looked guilty about something.  He took her hand, and sat down in the same chair Simon had been in a few minutes earlier.

"I'll protect you River," He whispered, his voice hoarse.  "Anyone tryin' to get to you will have to go through me first.  And if they do make it, they'll have to step over my corpse to get to you, that's a promise."  A pause. Then, as if it had only just occurred to him, "Though mind you, I'd take it as a kindness if it didn't come to that."

River giggled and Mal took this as his cue.  He stood up again, stroked her hand before letting it go.  "I'll get Simon in here so we can see about you getting out of here and spending the night in a proper bed.  I've spent more nights in here than I'd like to admit, and I can assure you, it ain't pleasant."

"Thank you, Captain," River smiled.  Mal turned in the doorway and offered her the lopsided grin she loved so much.

"Least I can do Albatross."

 


	4. Chapter 4

***

The next few days, things were quiet.  River seemed fine, although she hadn't started back on duties yet at Simon's insistance.  Mal didn't mind complying and Zoe and him took over the flying.

There was a sense of strong community on board, the way that usually happened when the crew had been through a close call of some kind.  Simon doted on River even more than usual, monitored how much she ate, how much she slept.  Kaylee and Simon were even more affectionate with one another if that was possible.  It was downright nauseating for everyone else.  Zoe and Mal stayed up more than one night in the galley, reliving old stories with one another.  Inara cut into the cooking rotation by making something special for the crew every night, utilizing what few ingredients they had like a genius.

Even Jayne was different. In the past, every time River had posed a threat to the crew, he had been the first to advocate dropping her and her brother on the next planet, regardless of where. But Mal hadn't heard anything like that yet.  To his surprise, he heard him instructing her on weapons one day in the galley as he walked by.  He stopped in the doorway but went unnoticed by the pair.

"Now I know you probably know most of this, what with you being a genius and all, but my Daddy always taught me there's a difference between knowing the mechanics of how to use a gun, and actually _feelin'_ the weight of it in your hands." Jayne was actually letting her handle Vera, of all his guns, Mal marvelled.   River's sling was folded over the chair next to her.  Hopefully, the Doc didn't catch her without it.  Jayne continued on, "The way I see it, you need to be practicin' with _lots_ of different guns, so you when it comes time you need them, you'll feel . Can't be letting that moonbrain of yours gettin' in the way no more. Next time someone tries to kill ya, you'll be ready, _dong ma_?"

River was obedient, hanging on to every piece of advice Jayne dealt out. Mal shook his head, thinking wonders would never cease as he kept walking, leaving them to their lesson.

Inara had cornered him two days after they left Regina on his way to the bridge.

"Inara, I really have a little more on my mind than talking about getting you to the Core," He said impatiently.

"Mal, give me a little more credit than that," Inara was wounded. "I just wanted to see how you're doing. We've all been so worried. None of us are really sure what's going on." Mal looked at her guiltily for assuming Inara was thinking of herself.  He also realized he hadn't really sat anyone down with anyone other than Zoe or River and discussed the plan, or _lack_ of plan, such that it was.  He made a mental note to get everyone together after supper that evening.

"Sorry, 'Nara.  I didn't mean it like that."  He invited her to follow him onto the bridge.  She lowered herself into the chair opposite him, quiet as he inputted some course corrections.  When Mal was done, he reclined back in the chair and heaved a deep sigh.

"Even if you didn't come to talk to me about everything we discussed before all this went down, we do need to discuss it."  He remarked, glancing in her direction.  Inara nodded.

"Inara, I'd be lyin' if I told you I'd been thinking much on all this the last few days, but I did turn it over a bit in my mind when we were on Regina."  He turned to her. "But we can't be sailing into the core right now, we've got to stay under Alliance radar."

"Mal, I know, things have changed now, I never expected-" Mal interjected before she could finish.

"No, I know too, Inara, you're not expectin' that anymore, what with everything that's happened."  He filled her in on the story the Operative had told him days earlier, the same story he'd be relaying to the crew later that night.  

"So you see, it's really going to be business as usual around here, 'cept I'll be hugging the border and Rim a little harder than I was before, stay off the grid.  The operative said it was hard for him to keep track of us, which I take as a comfort, seein' that likely means it's a challenge for the Alliance too."  Inara nodded, not seeming all that surprised by the whole thing.

"But." Mal added after a moment.  She looked him in the eye, waiting for him to go on.  

"But?" Inara prompted.

"But. I think we should get you off the ship and back to Madrassa," He said, referring to the Companion house on Sihnon.

"Mal," Inara protested, her eyes filling with tears.  Again, Mal stopped her.  He reached for her hand.

"It's not what you think, I'm not trying to send you away," Mal said gently.  "This is the best decision, for you, and for all of us.  You _do_ need to go back to work, Inara.  I've always known you would, though I confess, I hoped you wouldn't.  But that ain't your fault.  Getting you off this boat will keep you safe. Safe to do your work in freedom and peace."

"I don't want to leave," Inara said.  "I can wait, I don't have to work right now, with everything else that's happened."  Mal raised his hand.

"I'm not saying I want you to leave," He assured her.  "Whatever we are, you and I, _you're_ family, Inara."  He echoed the words that he had said to Monty a few days earlier, and felt the truth of them.  "You're part of this crew, no less than anyone else.  And you're going to go back, do your work at Madrassa, but you're going to remain part of this crew, and while you're there, you're going to work for me too."  Inara opened her eyes, startled.  

"That's right, didn't think I'd let you go, so easily, did you?"  Mal gave her a weak grin. "The operative found you there before, as a way of getting to us.  All I need you to do is be there, put yourself out in society, so he knows you're back.  I have a feeling he'll contact you again, the way he did before.  I think he'll know that's why you're off the boat.  And when he does, you can send us a wave and I'll come for you."  Inara nodded slowly.  It made sense.  It was a good plan.  There was still one missing piece of it though.  She was afraid she already knew the answer, but she had to ask.

"And us?" She whispered.  

"Uggh, Inara, this ain't easy to say," Mal sighed.  He took a deep breath and steeled himself for what had to be done.  "You were right when you said if I love you, I gotta love _all_ of you, Companion and everything."

"And you don't," Inara finished for him.

"But I _do_." Mal insisted.  "I surely do, 'Nara.  And there's the spot of truth in all this that's makin' what I gotta say so hard.  I realized it don't matter.  You workin' and us together, it just don't fit together in my mind.  I know myself.  I might be able to accept it for a few months, maybe years.  As I know that jealousy will eat at me, eat at us.  I'll only wind up resenting you."  He stroked her arm.  "And I love you too much to let myself wind up hatin' you."

Inara looked at him, accepting the shape of things.  It wasn't any less than she had expected.  In truth, it was more.

"When will we head to Sihnon?" 

"I just put the coordinates in but a few minutes ago.  Should be four days at most," He answered.  Inara blinked.

"So soon."

"So soon," He agreed. "I'll get you to Bernadette, we'll have to book passage for you to get from there to Sihnon.  I don't want to head any closer than that to the core, for all the reasons I've already told you about."

Inara nodded and the two fell into silence, contemplating the changes to come.

"It was wonderful, Mal, you and I.  It truly was." She said softly, her voice tinged with regret.

"That it was, Inara, that it was."

They sat with hands entwined, enjoying each other's company in way that would be over after today, both lost in their own thoughts.

***

Inara got off the Serenity, as planned, on Bernadette.  It was five days after her and Mal's conversation.  The goodbyes were tearful.  Everyone sensed that things had ended between Inara and the Captain too, although this was never actually explained.  She looked around her shuttle one last time before headed to the cargo hold, wondering when she'd see it again.  Mal had invited her to leave most everything she didn't need on board.

"That way it's still home to you, when you get back," He'd said with a rueful smile. "I'd feel better knowing part of you still thought of Serenity as home."

"I'll always think of Serenity as home," Inara replied.  "I don't need to keep my belongings here to feel that.  After all, this is where my crew is."  They shared a long look, but didn't embrace.  Their goodbyes had been said.

Mal looked on as Inara hugged everyone else.  Kaylee had tears in her eyes and she handed Inara something wrapped.

"It's not much, 'Nara, but I got this for your birthday a month ago, been excited to give it to you."

"Thank you  _Mei Mei_ ," Inara smiled.  River came up to her next.  She pulled the reader in for a hug, careful to avoid putting pressure on her arm. "You take care of everyone for me, you hear?"  River smiled.

"They'd all be hopeless without me." She joked.  Inara laughed.

Jayne came next.  He grunted out something like a goodbye, looking down at the floor.  He was surprised when Inara threw her arms around him and kissed him on the cheek.  When she let go of him, Jayne was at a loss for words and walked off, shaking his head.

Zoe wrapped her arms around Inara in a brief hug.  

"Won't be the same here without you," Zoe told her.  "We'll miss you, I'll miss you.  Keep in touch."  Inara promised she would.  She let go of Zoe and Simon rounded off the goodbyes.  She smiled and opened her arms.

"Marry her, will you?" She whispered to Simon.  Simon broke off and looked at her.  His surprise melted into affection.

"I will," he promised.  "But not until you can be with us to celebrate." 

"Well you don't have to wait for me to get engaged, Simon." Inara smiled.  "I need some good news to look forward to."  Simon grinned back and gave her a conspiratorial wink. 

Goodbyes said, there was nothing left to do but disembark.  Inara looked around Serenity one last time before taking her bags and handing them to the taxi driver who would take her to her transport ship.  She got into the back of the taxi and waved up at everyone one last time.  She caught Mal's eye and he nodded to her, raising his hand.

"Safe travels," She called.  The taxi started up and began it's short journey.

Mal watched until it the vehicle shrunk into nothing but a speck in the distance, and a little while after.  Then he shook his head, looked back to his crew who were waiting on him.

"Close her up," Mal instructed to Jayne and Kaylee.  "River, get us out of here."

"Where to, Captain?" River asked.  Mal shrugged and smiled with a twinkle in his eye.  

"Surprise me."

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really, really enjoyed writing this chapter, from start to finish. It could be read mostly as a stand alone. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.

 

They stayed out in the black the next few weeks, making only one quick stop for refueling.  River made a surprisingly fast recovery, even for her. She did daily exercises and had started piloting again, but still used her sling at the behest of Simon. Everyone else on the ship knew she was doing it now to only to  humour her big brother, until he decided she could resume normal duties without it.

They heard nothing from the Operative and Mal became more confident that the man had been telling the truth, that they didn't have to much worry about any assassins creeping up on them any time soon.  He started to think about looking to the next job and sent a few waves out to some of his contacts.

He missed Inara, but it was getting easier.  Getting over her was also a bit simpler with her away from the ship, he knew.  Out of sight, out of mind. Although, he still looked forward to the day when his crew was back together.  It always felt like someone was missing when they sat together for meals, or played games.

***

One night, two months after the events on Regina, Mal got off the cortex with one of his contacts, setting up coordinates for a drop.  It was shortly after their first job had been done and they were on course to Whitefall (the non-Patience side of the world) to deliver on the goods.

Although the cargo was hidden securely in downstairs in the hold, habit made Mal go down to check it.  Satisfied it was all still there, he sauntered back to his bunk to the galley where he suspected most everyone was.  In the corridor, he met River.  Her sling was no where to be seen, Simon having given her the okay to remove it a week before.  It was good to see her without it.  Made everything seem truly back to normal.  She was coming from the bridge.

"Hey there, little one," Mal said cheerfully.  "We en route to Whitefall?"  She nodded.

"Sixteen hours, thirty seven minutes and eight seconds," She replied. "counting down of course." He laughed.

"Well I asked, I guess." He looked to her arm.  The bullet scar was still red and angry against her pale skin, but the stitches were out and the tissue was healthy.  "How's the old arm doing?"

"Fine, back to normal," River answered, moving it in a circle to demonstrate. "Now that I've been shot, does that make me a _real_ criminal like everyone else?"  Mal laughed again affectionately.

"Your interning is done and you, Darlin' are officially an evil mastermind. I stand here tonight to welcome you to the fold."  He held out his hand to hers and they shook with mock seriousness.  "Welcome to the club."  River giggled back at him.  All of the reasons he had been avoiding her before seemed so trivial in light of everything that had happened.  The job in Paquin seemed a distant memory and Mal felt a strong sense of relief that things between them were reverting back to the easy friendship they'd had before.  Truthfully, he felt guilty having avoided her for so long.  If something happened to her… well he didn’t want any regrets.  He had enough of those in his life already.

Mal didn’t let go of River’s hand after they had shaken and instead used it to pull her in the direction of the galley.

"Come on now, if you're an official criminal now, you'd best be taking part in some criminal plotting.  I ain’t all fun and games, you know.  Let's go find everyone else."  

She went with him.

***

_Newhall._

A beautiful border planet full of ocean and lush island chains. Since they had been there last, the planet's tourism had started taking off. The waters were full of ocean cruises and the coastlines with new beach resorts for rich folk from the core who'd come to "rough it" and see the exotic and savage border worlds.

Robbing a cruise ship full of rich core tourists was just about the perfect crime. Carrying with them jewelry that was undoubtedly insured, Mal and Jayne had argued about skimming a little more than what they'd came for.

"A boat full off missing jewels is a lot more troublin' to the Feds than a boat with one missing ring that might not even _be_ missed for a spell if luck is on our side." Mal reasoned. "We're here to do the job for our client, no more, no less." Kevin Wang was also a new client and Mal wanted to make a good impression. No need making a job any hotter than it had to be.

Jayne had grumbled in protest as he suited up to get onto the cruiser. The original plan had him and River dressed as tourists but it didn't take long for everyone to realize that Jayne wasn't going to be a good fit as a tourist and they dressed as maintenance workers instead. Although, it was worth the laughs seeing him fit into one of Wash's old Hawaiian shirts Zoe had given him.  

"Didn't think anyone could look worse than my Wash in those awful shirts, but you sure know how to prove a woman wrong," Zoe had joked.  It surprised her, how much she liked having that shirt out for everyone to see, rather than just wearing them to bed at night with fond melancholy.  It was a nice reminder of her man.  She told Jayne to keep it the shirt, a gift that, despite the laughter on his account, left Jayne feeling strangely touched. 

***

 

They organized boarding the cruise ship to coincide with a time the ship was docked.  Passengers disembarked to explore for a few hours while crew set to work, hauling trash off and resupplying the boat with food, drinks and other necessary items.  It was organized chaos and the perfect time to board unnoticed.  Crew wouldn't think twice of seeing unfamiliar faces during these hours. One aboard, they hid out until passengers were back on board and the ship set sail again.  Then they split up.  Mal and Zoe headed to the ships electrical room, dressed also as workers.  Their job was to disable the power to the section of berths that the ring was in so River and Jayne could get in undetected.

"Why don't you try the smaller one?" River suggested once her and Jayne were in the right berth.  She was watching Jayne trying to dismantle the electronic locking system of the passenger safe, and finding his technique wanting. The safe could not be disabled externally.  They had assumed this would be the case, and Jayne worked with the tools he had brought along.

"Why don't you concentrate on puttin' that moonbrain of yours to work for a change by makin' sure no one's coming down that hallway and leave a man in peace," Jayne responded irritably.  "This ain't my first lock job."  He took her suggestion though, and swapped tools when she wasn't looking. River politely pretended she didn't notice.

Eventually, the lock gave way with a satisfying click. Jayne reached in and pulled out a lady's jewelry box. He opened it and there, amoung the many other fine pieces in the collection, was the object of the heist. He held the small, delicate ring up to the light doubtfully. It was indeed a small, gold ring, rather plain, thought it's medium size blue stone sparkled prettily in the light.

I've seen plenty baubles bigger than this old thing," Jayne remarked. "Hell, I see bigger ones staring at me right now in this _hun dan_ box. He watched as River pulled the last piece of the plan out of the bag she had with her. Wang, their employer had supplied them with an exact replica of the ring to replace the one they took. Hopefully, it would take weeks or even longer for the ring’s owner to discover the fake.

"And ain't that a real sapphire anyway, the one we're leaving behind?" Jayne complained. "Don't see what the big hoopla is about."

"Not a sapphire, a blue diamond," River corrected him. "And it's not just the stone." She took the ring they'd be taking with them from Jayne and examined it with awe before tucking it away. "This ring was forged on Earth that was." It was indeed a rare treasure. Wang was a collector of artifacts from Earth that was and this ring would be a fine addition.

"Well I don't care where somethin' was made, still shouldn't change the worth of it.  Way I see it, we’re just exchanging one expensive ring for another," he grumbled. “But if it gets me a good cut, so be it.” Taking one last regretful look at all the jewels being left behind, Jayne replaced the box with the replica secure inside and locked the safe.

Almost immediately, the overhead lights, which had been off illuminated. River and Jayne looked at one another.  Someone had restored the power, Mal and Zoe must be out of the electrical room, maybe already off ship.  

"That's our cue," Jayne said motioning to the door, "time to haul ass."

They made their way to the sun deck. There were a few tourist along the way, but they ignored Jayne and River. Their worker uniforms made them as good as invisible. Once out, they found a sheltered spot on the deck where they wouldn't be seen.

"Hate this part of the plan," Jayne grumbled. Their bags held small flippers, goggles and very small oxygen tanks, good for about thirty minutes of air. They stripped off their uniforms, revealing the wetsuits beneath.

"Wish we didn't have to go in there." Jayne eyed the choppy ocean waves nervously as he strapped on his gear.

"You go into space with nothing but a suit separating you from total annihilation," River pointed out.

"Ain't the same thing. Men _belong_ in space. Water though... I mean, what do you suppose's down there?"

"Sharks," River replied cheerfully. "Whales, jellyfish, octopi." She giggled as she activated the beacon that would alert Kaylee to their location for pick up. "Don't worry, Jayne, sea monsters would have to be awfully hungry to go after you!" With that, she plunged head first off the side of the ship and into the blue, leaving Jayne a little more rattled than before, which he hadn't thought was possible.   _Gorram girl_.

"Here's hoping they like the taste of crazy better," Jayne mumbled before he, having no choice in the matter, jumped in after her.

***

Unlike Jayne, this was the part of the plan River had been looking forward to most. She loved swimming and though she hadn't done it since was a little girl, the movements were achingly familiar. She twirled around, moving her arms and legs freely, enjoying the feeling of suspension in the warm, tropical waters. When she was little, River liked to pretend she was a mermaid in the water.  She dreamed of the kind of tales where mermaids had their tail in the water, and when dry, grew legs and could walk amoung humans, undetected.  River thought of these pleasant memories now. Happy thoughts of childhood were a rare gift and she cherished them.

Jayne bobbed awkwardly at the surface like a nervous cat as the cruise ship sailed away into the distance leaving them in it's wake. The water was clear and they could see each other, but not much else. Despite teasing Jayne, River doubted there was much in the way of marine life in these oceans, having been only terrafomed in the last fifteen years. She dimly spotted a school of small fish swimming far below them where the depths prevented her from making out anything more than their rough shape and size.

She was about to go down and get a closer look when she spotted two figures off in the distance.  Diving deep below, she swam towards the pair until she was below them, then began her ascent, catching one of the figures by the leg and giving a hard tug.

"Aaargghh!" The muffled scream of Mal was audible under water.  He looked down, and River laughed to herself as she saw an actual knife in his hand, ready to strike.  Obviously, he and Zoe weren't feeling any more confident in the water than Jayne was.

Mal glared at River murderously as he tried to relax, but she just beamed at him. Zoe rolled her eyes.

They bobbed around for a few minutes waiting for Kaylee and watching River swim around them like a dolphin.  Suddenly, Jayne made a choked sound and pointed at a black figure coming their way.

The lumbering yet graceful swimmer approached them and River smiled.  A sea turtle. She'd only ever seen them in zoos on Osiris when she was a child but they'd always been her favourite.

She was a young turtle, probably had still been an egg when alliance scientists had introduced her to her new home on Newhall.  Hatching out on some sandy beach that she would now forever return to lay her own eggs.  River floated up to the turtle's face and peer into her eyes. _Hello_ , she whispered with her thoughts. They shared a look and River could feel the graceful creature taking her in with it’s considering, intelligent gaze.  It was an unforgettable few seconds. Then, seeming satisfied, the beast seemed almost to shrug, changed course and swam away. River watched her until she couldn't see her anymore. _Goodbye_

She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see Mal looking much more relaxed. He motioned behind them and River saw that Kaylee had arrived to their coordinates. She nodded, feeling disappointed even as everyone else was relieved.

A mermaid no longer, it was time to get onto land, dry off and be a woman again.

***

That evening, well on the other side of the world, the crew sat at a seaside bar and ate supper as they watched the sunset over the water. River shivered as the air began to cool with the ocean breeze. She felt utterly content.

Mal was treating them to a rare expensive dinner for a job well done and a tidy profit to be made.  Everyone was grateful for the drinks, fresh vegetables and fresh seafood.   

"Don't see the appeal in this, it's all shell," Jayne picked doubtfully at the lobster that everyone assured him was a rare delicacy enjoyed in the core.  Well, maybe some were less grateful than others.  

 "Oh Jayne, come _on_ , I assure you, this is one of the best catches I've eaten!" Simon said enthusiastically, having almost devoured his entire plate before anyone else.  

 "Jien tah-duh guay!" Jayne replied, waving at Simon as if to say, _point proven._

 "Well y'all deserve it... though I reckon it might be more of a treat to some than others," Mal rose his beer once dinner was done.  "Good job crew."  They clinked their glasses enthusiastically.  Mal smiled, "One more thing to cheers to tonight, as I 'spect you all know."  The timing was perfect as the waitress came over and set down a positively decadent looking cake, lit with candles.  "Happy birthday little Kaylee."

Everyone clapped as Kaylee's eyes shined with pleasure.  "It's so... shiny!  I almost don't want to cut it."   

"I think you'll find a small mob after you if you don't, because I have it on good authority that baby's made of ice cream," Zoe laughed.  "Make a wish Mei Mei and cut the damn thing!" 

Kaylee took a deep breath and blew out all her candles.   

They all ate their cake in happy companionship.  River watched as the sun finally sank into the sea.  The bar was getting busier, but the noise still seemed distant as they sat, virtually alone on the patio that held only four other diners.  In darkness, the patio was lit now only with the soft little light bulbs twisting over the columns and the deck.  _It's a perfect time_ , she thought.  She reached and gave her brother's hand a squeeze.  Simon looked at her nervously, and she answered with an encouraging smile.  He tentatively stood up out of his chair.   

"Ahem," Simon coughed.  It took two or three more coughs before the others actually quieted down to hear what he had to say.  Having their attention finally, Simon hesitated.   

"I... was hoping to give Kaylee her birthday present privately today, but there never seemed to be the right time."  Kaylee smiled up at him.  "And as we all know, finding privacy on Serenity isn't the easiest thing during the day.  But then I realized, I don’t want privacy, I want you all here.”  Simon turned and looked at Kaylee intently.

"Kaylee, I don't know what you wished for tonight.  And I hope you don't mind if, on your birthday, I impose a little by asking you to grant _my_ wish instead."  He took a deep breath, before he could think too hard, he was on the ground in front of her, holding her hand.  "I love you Kaylee Fry.  Will you marry me?"  Kaylee's free hand flew to her face.   "Simon!" She gasped.  There was a pause.  Simon looked a little green as he waited expectantly.  Kaylee was clearly shocked.  No one spoke until River broke the silence.  

 "Maybe if there was a ring?" She suggested helpfully.   

"OH!" Simon exclaimed.  Hastily, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small gold ring with one small white diamond sparkling in the center.  He held it up to Kaylee.  "It's not much, but it will look beautiful on you.  If you'll have me, that is."   The question posed again, more gently.

 Kaylee's shock gave way finally as she took the ring.  Her voice shook as she held it in her hand.

"Oh, Simon, yes.  Yes, yes YES!"  She threw her arms around him and started to cry.  The tension broke for the group and everyone began applauding.   

"Congratulations!" Zoe said, hugging Kaylee and touching Simon's shoulder.   

 "'Bout time you made an honest woman out of my mechanic," Mal commented, clapping Simon on the back.  Simon beamed back.

 Even Jayne grumbled a heartfelt congratulations. 

 River gave her brother a hug and whispered that it had been perfect.  She then turned to Kaylee.

 “Congratulations Kaylee," She said shyly.  Kaylee pulled her into a hug. 

 "You knew about this, didn't you!  Thanks _mei mei_.  I don’t think I've ever been so happy than I am right now."

"Real _mei mei_ now," River whispered back.  Then, shaking her head wonderingly.  "I always wanted a sister." 

Kaylee's eyes teared up all over again.

 ***

Eventually, dinner finished, everyone was in the mood for celebrating.  The crew wandered in to check out the state of the bar.  It was a lot different than the places they were used to.  The patrons were prosperous local folk mixed with tourists.  Perhaps not tourists as wealthy as those staying on cruise ships and resorts, but still able to afford to go on vacation.

"Ain't playin' proper music, how do you dance to this?"  Jayne complained.  The music was much different, more like the dance music River remembered listening to with her friends a lifetime ago before the academy than folksy music heard out on the rim. 

 "I swear, you’ve done more complain’ Jayne. You don't dance _anyway_ ," Zoe pointed out laughing. 

Jayne shrugged.  "Still know music when I hear it, and this ain't." 

 River privately agreed, she'd grown much more fond of the music on the boarder worlds than the music she remembered from her youth.  But that didn't stop her.  Kaylee even managed to get Simon, who was either drunk on life, beer or some combination of the two, out on the dance floor. His usual reservations were cut away as he swung his new fiancée around, relaxed and happy.

The bar was full of young people, not much older than River, and she had no shortage of partners asking her to dance.  She was more than happy to oblige.  Later, as she went for a drink of water, she looked to see Mal up from his perch at a table with Jayne and standing at her side.

 "You should come join us!" River said.  Mal snorted.

"I'd have to be drinking something a mite stronger than this for you to get me out to that kind of noise," He wrinkled his nose. Then he put his hand on her shoulder, sober for a moment.  "Darlin' I don't mean to...  you're a grown lady and free to do what you want, with who you want."  He fished around for what he was trying to say.  "What I mean to say is, it's no concern of mine, who you take up with, it's just... with what the operative told us, and that mess back on Regina..."

"Don't go home with some stranger tonight?" River finished for him.  Mal blushed. 

"Ain't none of my business," He added hurriedly, "just think it'll do us well to be more cautious for a spell."

"It's okay," River reassured him with a smile.  "Just dancing, Captain," He nodded.

"Just wanted you to be aware is all.  We're all looking out for you, ya know."  River smiled.

"I know, Captain.  Mal."  She went back, this time dancing with Kaylee, Simon and Zoe who had also joined in.  She knew Mal hadn't meant anything but concern for her safety, and he made a good point.  She should be more careful.  She shuddered, remembering the boy on Regina who's intentions she hadn't been able to glean from his strange, hidden mind until it was too late.

 She forced herself to relax, and enjoyed dancing with her ship family.  She glanced over at Mal and smiled.  He smiled back and for the first time in months, she felt a stray thought from him make it’s way into her head.

Mal was thinking of earlier that day as they had waited in the ocean to be picked up by Kaylee and seeing River swim like she belonged in the water.  Watching her dance now, he reflected that he'd never seen a woman who could look so graceful and at home on both land and sea. 

She was like a mermaid.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Mal couldn't sleep.  He'd been tossing and turning in his bunk for a couple of hours before finally giving up.  He figured he might as well get up and make himself useful.

He checked the bridge first, half expecting to see River there.  She wasn't though, which struck him as odd, as it wasn't all that late.  But he shrugged and went down to the cargo hold to tidy up a bit.

Work done, he went to the galley to make himself some tea.  He put the kettle on and busied around the kitchen a minute or two before he realized he wasn't alone.  He turned and saw River sitting at the table.  Her legs curled up in the chair underneath her and a blanket draped over her shoulders.

"Do you just need less sleep than the rest of us?" He joked. "I'd think psychics would need more, what with using their brains more."

When River didn't respond, Mal turned on the light and looked closer at her. She didn't look like herself and it took a second to realize why. Her face was streaked with tears.  For once, Mal didn't hesitate and went and plopped himself down on the empty seat opposite River. 

Seeing her this way made Mal realize he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen River cry.  She really seemed so calm and unflappable these days, she hadn't even cried when she'd been shot a few months back. Her face looked haunted now though, and it was an unsettling reminder of how disturbed she had once been.  It was only few weeks after Simon and Kaylee's engagement.  Kaylee had already gotten into a fit of planning, contacting Inara with excitement and to ask for advice.  River had been getting caught up along with Kaylee and had seemed happy.

"What's gotcha in this state, little one?" Mal probed gently now as he faced her across the table.    

"Dreams." River replied dully. "Haunt me. Playing out nightmares of infinite outcomes though there's only one that can ever be."  She looked up at Mal.  "Why am I here?"

"Well..." Mal tried to understand her meaning without asking.  "That brave brother of yours rescued you, you managed to charm the pants off a bunch of space cowboys on the run so we'd take you in.  Made yourself gorram useful in the meantime."  He tried to keep it light.  When she didn't respond, he added more seriously, "I know we've been worried about the Operative and all that business.  But things've been real good around here lately, River. You got plenty to be happy about, don't you know that?"

It had the complete opposite effect than he had been intending.  River hugged her legs up closer to herself, buried her face into her knees and burst into tears.  Not small tears either, but body wracking sobs.

"Wuh de ma!" Mal ran his fingers nervously through his hair.  "River, I didn't mean nothin' _bad_ by that.  What's _wrong_ Darlin'?"

The kettle started its low hiss as the water heated while Mal sat, waiting for River's sobs to calm. She didn't respond to his question and he didn't press.  Eventually, her tears slowed and the whistling of the kettle drowned out her remaining sniffles.  Mal got up without a word and set about fixing two mugs of tea.  He added some canned milk and honey into one and returned to the table and set it down in front of River.

"Drink up," He said with authority.  He ignored the seat he'd occupied opposite River, and sat instead in the one right next to her, turning it so his body faced hers.  River slowly picked up the mug and took a tentative sip.  She held the mug between her hands, soaking up the warmth.

"My life is a dream," She said quietly. "I haven't been this happy in ages, maybe never.” She didn't speak for a spell.

"But?" Mal prompted.

"My life is a dream but once it was a nightmare. A person can never forget where they came from, no matter where they are now. The past follows and taints the present, makes it bleed." She looked at him with a piercing gaze.  "You know that."

Mal did know a little something about that. He thought of Serenity Valley, the faces of so many people lost.  Wash, Shepherd Book.

"I reckon you've been through more than anyone your age should ever have been through, that's a fact. There's no coming back from that, you're right, not ever all the way."  He agreed.  "But you ain't responsible for what was done to you neither.  And if we can believe the Operative, everyone who did those awful things to you at that _go se_ academy have paid for what they did with their lives. It might not've been done for the right reasons, but sometimes you gotta take what little piece of justice you can and hold it close."

"Justice," River agreed.  "They're all dead. And I'm _glad_.  I would have done it myself if I'd had the chance, I would have killed them all." Her voice was hard and she glanced at Mal sharply, as though challenging him to disagree.  He raised an arm in peace.   _No argument here._

"But."  She sighed shakily.  "They're not the only ones who are dead, Captain.  I wasn't the only one in there that they tortured.  There were twenty-two of us.  I was the youngest."  Her voice rose and took on a tinge of hysteria.  "I was the _youngest,_  Mal, you hear me?  Most of them had been there long before I even got there.  And they're all dead now.  They didn't have a Simon to come for them and now they're dead, and I'm alone."  She looked at him, a pleading look in her face and went back to her original question.  "Why am I here?" Mal understood better now. _Why am I here and they aren't?_

Mal sat for a moment, stunned, trying to process everything she said.  He pursed his lips together and let out a slow breath.  He had never even thought about it that way.  He knew there were others in the academy. If the doctors and scientists were expendable, of course all the test subjects were too.  And if the others had been there before here... She was only fourteen when she had gone there, he reminded himself.  They really _were_ children.  It made him utterly sick.  He put down his tea, didn't feel like he could stomach it anymore.  He glanced back up at River.  She stared, unseeing, the mug of tea he'd given her still between her hands.

Mal leaned forward and gently pried the mug out of her hands and set it on the table next to his.  Then he took her hands into his and held on tight.

"First of all, River Tam, you ain't alone."  When she didn't respond, his voice raised an octave.  "You _ain't._  That fact making it into that genius brain of yours?"  She glanced at him and then examined his hands holding hers.  She nodded slowly.

"Second of all, I know that's not exactly what it is you're tryin' to say," Mal continued.  He took a deep breath.  " _Survivor's guilt_ is what fancy doctors call it.  Feelin' like you did somethin' wrong simply by livin' when others died."  She looked back up at Mal and her eyes widened.  He knew he'd hit it on the head.  

"All this happiness around you little Albatross, Kaylee and Simon especially, it's made it _worse_ , hasn't it?"  He whispered.  She nodded.  Mal felt the keen pull of recognition as he searched River's eyes. It was similar to the way he felt about Zoe, that kinship of shared experience.  River might not been through their war, but a war she'd been through, of that he had no doubt.

"What do you do about it?" River asked.  Mal sighed ruefully. 

"Well there's an end even to my infinite wisdom Darlin.'  Knowing a thing and conquering it are two sides of the same coin to be sure, but that doesn't mean you can have both," He sighed heavily. "It ain't nothing but the randomness of the Verse that you lived and others didn't.  Nothin' you did wrong."

Was he talking about her or himself, he wondered? How many times had he been through this in his mind? He continued on.  "But knowing the _why_ of something ain't the same as livin' with it.  I don't know if I'll ever totally get over those lost and I doubt you will either."  His hands tightened around hers.  

"The only advice I can give you is what I do myself.  Continue on livin' and do the best you can.  It ain't much, but it's somethin."  He released one of her hands and tipped her chin up with his fingers. "And you try to live with those lost in your heart.  Remember what they taught you, and keep their memory alive.  Honour them by livin' the best life you can and lovin' those around you as hard as you can."  He regarded her.  "You think you can try and do that?"  River nodded mutely.

As they looked at each other, Mal mused on the fact that River was almost twenty-one now.  The same age he'd been in his first combat situation.  He remembered how quickly he'd grown up after those early days of war.  Suddenly, he realized how much older River was in mind and spirit.  He wondered that he had never really considered this before.  She'd always seemed so fragile, needing protection, especially before Miranda.  But she was a warrior, like him. Like Zoe.  She'd proven that many times over.

And that a girl of twenty-one could have her innocence stripped away like this, from the very government he had gone to war with, suddenly made Mal sadder than he could bear.  He wanted to comfort her, to take away her pain more than anything else he'd wanted a thing in a long time.

Mal leaned over and kissed her cheek gently.  When he pulled back, he searched her face. Unfallen tears were suspended in her eyes as she stared at him, wide eyed. Without a second thought, Mal leaned in and kissed her again, this time on her lips.

It was the chastest of kisses, undemanding and tender.  It was unlike any kiss Mal had ever given and unlike any kiss River had ever received.

They lingered there, River softly returning the kiss.  When he finally pulled away, Mal was dimly surprised to realize that he felt none of the guilt or conflict he once might have.  She looked back at him calmly and with no question in her eyes.  He pulled his chair, the legs scraping loudly on the galley floor, so it sat beside hers.  He put his arm around River and pulled her close and she leaned into him with a sigh.

"We've been through a lot," She whispered.  Her head was down and he hardly caught what she said.

"That we have," Mal replied.   _We_.  The word spun around his head pleasantly.  They continued to sit like that, Mal enjoyed the feel of River under his arm and pressed up against him.  She felt relaxed and much calmer than she had when he'd walked in there earlier.

"So this living the best life you can... it's best achieved through crime?" River asked after a few minutes.  Mal was startled, then chuckled hoarsely, the noise rumbling deep in his throat and held her just a little bit tighter.

"Exactly right, little one.  Genius like you always catches on quick. Lots and lots of Crime."

***

River woke with a start.  Her body was stiff and her neck was killing her.  Awareness slowly came to her.  She was in the galley on Serenity where she had fallen asleep with her Captain a couple hours before.  Her head curved into Mal's chest and her legs draped over his lap.  She could feel his breath coming in deep, even waves.  His heartbeat was slow but strong against her ear.  Despite the awkward and uncomfortable position, River felt for the first time in a while like she was right where she belonged.

Glancing at the clock above the sink, River knew in a few hours the others would be up.  She felt emotionally exhausted, but also felt a peace she hadn't dreamed could be possible when she had crept into the galley alone earlier that night.

Slowly, River extracted herself from Mal.  His right arm curved around her waist and his left draped over her legs and she moved his arms with care.  It was a wonder he didn't wake up, but River figured his soldier body was used to getting sleep in all kinds of uncomfortable positions.  As she stood over him, poised to go back to her bunk, she felt a rush of love for this man who had shown an understanding of her in a way she hadn't thought anyone could.

"Thank you, Mal," She whispered to his sleeping form and kissed his cheek.  Quietly, she slipped out of the galley and back to her bunk.  Her sleep was dreamless and peaceful for the first time in weeks.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Like a switch had been tripped, the remaining walls Mal had built up between him and River Tam so long ago had stripped away.  They never really spoke of that night in the galley, other than a quick "you okay?" from Mal at breakfast the next morning when no one else would overhear.  She nodded without speaking and gave him a shy smile, and that was the end of it.

And she _was_ okay. River hadn't shown any other signs of distress. Her smiles came easily and her laugh was infectious.  He knew that didn't mean all her problems were solved, but he ferverently hoped that she could begin to better deal with her ghosts.

Staying up with River into the night went from an occasional indulgence to an almost nightly occurrence.  They would sit on the bridge, staring out into the black.  Some nights they would talk endlessly.  Others, they would just sit in contented silence.  Sometimes, Zoe sat up with them too.  River always gave up Wash's seat to Zoe on those nights and pulled a chair from the galley to sit in herself.  Zoe would sit and idly play with Wash's dinosaurs, still keeping watch.  River would quietly listen as Zoe and Mal relived old war stories and laughed with them, happy to be welcomed into this rare intimacy shared between the two friends.

Mal found himself developing an almost secret language with River on jobs.  A simple hand on his arm, or a quick glance spoke volumes to him of her assessment of the lay of the land.  It was an asset that gave his crew a distinct advantage in all situations.  Mal occasionally worried he relied on River's skills too much.  He wondered if the rest of the crew's instincts were growing lax with a reader there to pick up the slack, his own instincts included.  But she was so deeply entrenched into their lives and work that he usually didn't allow himself to dwell on these thoughts for too long.  It was like imagining Serenity without Zoe, or Kaylee.  That just didn't work.

And if he occasionally felt his gaze linger on her, or hold her hand a little longer than strictly necessary, well he didn't allow himself to dwell on that too long either.  Nothing had happened between them since that night in the galley when they had shared a kiss.  He didn't think much on that though, and he found his memories of that night on Paquin so long ago also fuzzy and abstract in his mind.

From Inara, there was nothing to report.  Kaylee had taken to asking lately if Inara might think about returning.  She missed her friend a great deal, and they didn't get to contact her as much as she would have liked.  Mal was stubborn on this point however.  Although it felt like a lifetime ago, in truth it had only been nine months since the events on Regina with the Operative.  The man had told them then that they'd be safe for a spell, but he had been certain the day would come when another assassin would come after River.  And Mal intended to be as ready for that day as possible.  Inara would stay in Madrassa for the time being.

His instincts were proven right one day.  He was standing up on the walkway of the cargo hold, watching the crew's own unique take on basketball being played.  Zoe and Simon were teamed up against Jayne, and Jayne was clearly at the disadvantage, Simon having gotten a lot better in the last couple of years.

"You going to play?" River asked, coming to stand beside him.

"Thinkin' about it," Mal replied, contemplating.

"Jayne looks like the odds are stacked against him," River observed.  Mal snorted.

"Man like Jayne should _always_ have the odds stacked against him.  That should be some kind of law of the Verse, don't ya think?"  River laughed easily.  Mal was about to head down when Kaylee's voice buzzed out of the comm system.

"Mal, Inara's sent a wave, and's askin' for you," Kaylee's voice was cheerful.  Mal turned to River.

"Looks like you'd better go join instead, albatross, give Jayne a leg up."  He said, already heading to the bridge to check on the wave.  As casual as Kaylee made it sound, Inara hadn't asked to speak to him specifically that often over the last few months, and he had a feeling it wasn't just a social call.

Inara explained she had received a package addressed to her with no message or indication of who it could be from.  It was a sword, she told him. A beautiful, ornate sword, the kind that was for display rather than use. It's sharp edge however showed it's utility as a deadly, albeit beautiful weapon. On the side of it was engraved a forest scene, with deer, rabbits and other woodland creatures. Down the middle, cutting through the scene was a large rushing river.

"It's for her," Inara said with certainty, meaning River.  Mal agreed. So the operative knew Inara was there and had reached out to her, and indirectly, to River. Mal felt a sense of foreboding. He thanked Inara for contacting him.

"How are you doing?" She asked him after they had discussed the weapon. "It's good to hear your voice." Mal smiled back.

"You too Inara." And it was. The old pang of sadness and hurt had been replaced with a sense of melancholic nostalgia.  As they shared pleasantries back and forth, Mal mused that whatever had been between him and the companion was truly over, he knew that. He was glad. It would make things that much better when she was finally back home on Serenity.

***

He showed River the pictures Inara had sent him that night.  She looked at the sword, running her fingers down the screen as though she was really touching it.

"We both think it's for you," he told her.  "What with the river going through the middle of it, seems pretty plain I guess."  She nodded agreement.

Mal's thoughts were racing beside her, River could tell.  His thoughts swirled below the surface of his mind, into regions she refused to penetrate.  It was odd, the more words and truths she shared with Mal, the more tempting it was to peruse all the words left  _unsaid_ that he may have.  But a man shouldn't have to fear a person knowing his innermost thoughts, and River allowed Mal his privacy, just as she allowed it to everyone else.  And thoughts weren't actions.  It's what was said and done that was more important.  It didn't mean she wasn't _curious_ though.  She snuck a glance in his direction.  He seemed frustrated about something.

Finally, Mal sat up in his chair and turned toward her.  

"I worry," Mal confessed.  "You seemed so sure of him on Regina.  I believe you of course," He added hurriedly.  "It's just, well, you were _shot_ , Darlin' and that doesn't do a a person a hell of a lot in the way of thinkin' clearly.  You didn't have a lot of time to get into his head the way you do.  And before, with Miranda, you barely spent any time with the man.  If he comes to us with some plan, as I'm certain he eventually will... River are you  _sure_  we can trust him?"

 _Ah, this_.  She knew he had doubts about the Operative and that eventually they'd talk about this.  She closed her eyes and allowed her perfect memory to wash over her.

"I remember that day," She said softly.  "The day I faced the Reavers on Mr. Universe's moon."  Mal nodded grimly, remembering staring into her warrior face, standing alone amoungst countless dead monsters.  Then the soldiers arrived.  How he'd watched her hand tighten, almost imperceptivity on the weapon she held, ready to give everything she had to defend her crew, before the Operative had ordered his men to stand down.  How Mal had breathed a sigh of relief at that moment that he didn't have to witness her go up against that many guns.  To this day, Mal did however sometimes wonder who would have come out on top in that fight, he surely did.

"He was broken," River continued, startling Mal out of his reverie.  "Broken by what he'd seen happen on Miranda.  He felt everything he'd ever known, the ideal he spent his life upholding was a sham.  He thought he was on the right side and it turned out he was wrong."  She looked to Mal.  "How would you feel if everything you'd ever believed in, ever fought for, was a lie?"  He blinked back at her, and she knew that idea was just about the worst thing Mal could think of happening to a person.

"Pride," She whispered.  "The worst of all the deadly sins, and his sin.  Pride in himself, in his work, in the people he worked for."  She stared out into the black.

"That boy on Regina," She said, "The one who shot me.  I've thought about that a lot."

"I thought he was interested in you, that's why he paid so much attention." Mal mumbled.  River could tell he was a little embarassed to even admit noticing that boy's interest in her the night before, but she ignored it.

"I did too," She agreed.  "He was so intent on everything I said, every little move I made, I thought exactly the same thing."  She shook her head.  "It wasn't that at all though.  He was focused entirely on me, so he could shut all his own thoughts out.  He didn't think on his plans for the next day, didn't think of anything at all.  It was odd, now that I look back."  She shivered, remembering the intensity of his mind.  She had, even that night known his intentions towards her weren't quite right, the way he stared at her, took in everything she said and turned it around in his mind, deconstructed it.  But he was Monty's crew, and just a boy.  Nothing all that strange about a young boy being besotted by a girl his own age.

She smiled ruefully.  "I was just blinded, thinking he was attracted to me.  Conceit.  So I really didn't delve into his mind at all.  I ignored him.  Now I wish I hadn't, I don't know what I would have seen if I had made an effort to get into his head.  He couldn't have hidden from me if I had gone into his mind."  Of this she was sure.

"That's not conceit, you can't go around thinkin' everyone's an assassin, you'd drive yourself crazy... again." Mal assured River with a slight smile.  Then, more gently, "But how do you know the Operative isn't pulling the same kind of trick on you?"  

"Because he's an open book, entirely."  River's voice was sure.  The Operative was an entirely different case.  She tried to articulate that difference. "That boy was a shadow.  He kept his mind carefully blank, because you  _can't_  lie with your thoughts, unless you believe your lie.  You can only keep your mind clear and not think them.  Like a meditation.  He was meditating on me that night, hoping I'd pass over him, and I did.  He was testing me.  The Operative though, he gave all his thoughts freely to me, like putting your hands up to show you aren't armed.  I saw all of his intentions."  She put her hand on Mal's arm and looked at him intently.  "He has a clear mind.  Before Miranda, he believed his lies with perfect clarity.  That made him dangerous.  Now he knows those lies for what they are and that what makes him our ally.  We can trust him.  I'm sure of it."

Mal searched her face for a moment and thought on what she said.  Finally, he nodded, satisfied..  

"Well that's good enough for me." He said.  "Because eventually, he'll be back, and we'll have to deal with all this.  Together."

 _Together._   She liked the way the word came out of his mouth.  All gruff and sure.  "Thank you, Captain."

"Promised to protect you, and I will," Mal shrugged as though that was all there was to it.  "Don't mean you'll be sittin' sidelines.  'Spect you'll have to do some of the heavy liftin' by yourself anyhow, so don't go thankin' me too hard just yet."  He stood up, put his hand on her shoulder.  

"I'm goin' to get me to bed, little one," He yawned.  "Don't stay up too late now, you hear?  Pilot needs her sleep so she don't crash my boat."  She shook her head.

"I won't."  She promised.  Mal nodded, his hand was still on her shoulder.  She felt the weight of it, the warmth of his hand transferring into her skin and she closed her eyes, her own hand going on top of his.  She felt him hesitate as he watched her.  Now that he was leaving, he didn't want to go.

"I'll say goodnight then."  He said, a bit hastily.  Before he could think too hard about it, Mal leaned down and kissed her, very lightly on the corner of her mouth before leaving the bridge.  It was over before River could react.  She felt the lingering of his touch left over like a brand.  He seemed to be searching inside of her for something, the way he looked at her.  But that too was over before she could ponder it.

"Sweet dreams, Darlin'."

 She stayed a while longer, after Mal left.  She rested her fingers on the spot where he'd kissed her and looked at the stars, her own thoughts swirling up all around her.


	8. Chapter 8

It was Unification Day.

With unspoken tradition, Mal found a reason to dock the ship, citing needed mechanical repairs.  This year, he picked Verbena, a large border planet. It was as good of a choice as any.  A large factory in Verbena had fallen victim to a bombing attributed to a browncoat soldier, and tensions were usually high around this time of year.

Incidentally, Serenity did need some key repairs, as Kaylee had been griping about the last few months.  Her and Simon begged out of hitting the bar at ten in the morning with the others, in favour of going searching for parts.   _Priorities_ , Mal thought disapprovingly.  Simon had tried to make River go with them, but she had insisted on going with Mal, Zoe and Jayne.

"So many people not sure about Unification these days, might be tough finding a brawl, Captain," Zoe commented with a knowing grin as they played Mahjong in the seediest bar Mal had been able to find.  It was already crowded with patrons despite the early hour, a sure sign of the holiday.  Zoe was right though.  The ferverent Unification supporters were becoming a thing of the past out here, Mal knew.  Even Verbena was a little less Alliance friendly as the reforms and developments promised by the government had failed to come to fruition, year after year.  The attitude towards browncoats wasn't as hardline as it had once been

Mal was an optimist though and refused to let his hopes be dashed as he brushed some dust of his own, battered brown coat.  Looking around, he didn't see any other coats matching his in the place, but neither did he see any of the typical Alliance flags.

"Hell, I can find you a brawl if you're lookin'" Jayne piped up, "Might not be a fancy  _Political_ type brawl, but I sure as day can find you a good old fashioned duster. Give me five minutes."

"Of that Jayne Cobb, none of us have any doubt." Zoe assured Jayne.

"I'm dealer again!" River exclaimed, tallying up the points to the fourth round of their second game, having already won the first.

"You know, this game ain't no fun when Moonbrain here is fixin' it to win every time," Jayne complained.  River gave him a wounded look.

"Not fixing a thing!" She argued.  "Just better than you!"  Mal laughed.

"Don't know about that one, I think Jayne might be onto somethin' there, River.  You're looking a little guilty in my eyes!"  Mal pretended to peer suspiciously over River's tiles.  

While River was trying to argue her hand was dealt without cheating, Zoe looked over River's shoulder to check her math.  "Jayne, I'm pretty sure she shorted you a point on the last round.  No, she definitely shorted you two points.  What do you know, we have a cheater in our midst!"

"Knew it!" Jayne said triumphantly, taking a long drink from his pint of beer.  River frantically started checked over her math again.

"I did not," She insisted, her finger running down her totals.  "Where'd you see that, Zoe?"  She was oblivious to everyone's grins until she looked up and it dawned on her that they were all pulling her leg.

"You know, for a reader, you sure can be gullible," Zoe chuckled.  River stuck her tongue out.

"Can't concentrate with so many minds in one place," She defended her skills, but started to grin in spite of herself.

"Can't concentrate after having three cups of sake, more like," Jayne muttered good naturedly, making the universal _crazy_ sign at her by turning his finger in a loop by his ear.

"River?" The interrupting voice sounded incredulous and excited. Everyone turned to look.  It was a boy about River's age, a boy who looked pretty green to be in a bar like this.  There was an awkward pause.  Then River realized who it was.

"Mallory?"  Her voice betrayed surprised delight.  

Mal's grip on his glass tightened involuntarily as he realized who it was too.  It was that damn boy River had met on Athens some time back. River leapt out of her chair and threw her arms around the boy.  "What are you doing here?  You made it off Athens."

"You were my inspiration," Mallory laughed, returning her hug.  "After you all left, all I could think about was getting out and seeing more of the Verse.  It wasn't much to get here, I just waited for the orbits to be close so's transport would be cheap, then hopped from Athens to Aberdeen, to Verbena."  He turned to the others and mocked tipping a hat.  "Nice to see y'all."

Mal glared and forced out a cordial greeting of some kind.  Jayne looked disinterested at best.  This left the burden of good manners to Zoe.  She inquired what had brought the boy to Verbena.

"Me and a few mates came to spend the summer picking fruit on one of the orchards."  He smiled modestly, gesturing vaguely behind him where his friends undoubtedly were. "It ain't fancy work, but it was an excuse to get off world for a while and see something new."

  "I'm so glad," River said earnestly.  "I know how much you wanted it."

"Come meet my friends," Mallory begged.  "You met Smithy on Athens and Paulson I told you about.  They'll be thrilled to see you."  River nodded and grabbed her drink to follow him.  

"They think I'm cheating because they can't handle my skill, so they won't miss me!" She joked with a smile, gesturing at the half finished game of Mahjong.

Mal grabbed her free hand before she walked away and held her back a second.

"What did we talk about going off with strangers?" Mal reminded River in a low voice.  She gave him a confused look.

"I know him, Captain.  He's all right.  You know him too.  He's Johnny Michi's nephew, remember?"  Mal remembered.  Did he ever remember.  He nodded grudgingly.

"Just don't leave the bar,  _dong ma_?" River shook her head at him quizzily.

"Hadn't even crossed my mind.  We got a brawl on schedule anyway, don't we?"  Her eyes twinkled as she gave his arm an affectionate squeeze before taking her leave, waving at Zoe and Jayne.

"Good for her, meetin' people her own age," Zoe remarked approvingly as they watched River disappear into the crowd.

"Yeah," Mal was glum, sitting back in his seat and picking up his beer. "real good."

***

The afternoon wore on.  The more he watched River with that boy, the madder Mal got.  He drained his pint and got a new one, trying to summon the good cheer he'd had an hour ago, but the drink only fueled his mood.  He felt irritated.  Irritated with that boy, irritated with River, as irrational as he knew it was.  He felt most angry with himself.  What right did he have to be mad at her?  Zoe was right, it was good for River to spend time with people her own age.  They were moving around so much, she never had the chance to make lasting friendships.  It wasn't _friendship_ that Mal was worried about where this boy was concerned though.  

Mal's thoughts swirled around him, confused and disjointed.  After a while, he gave up playing Mahjong.  The game could survive losing one player, but not two, and Zoe and Jayne were forced to switch to Chinese checkers.  

A while after that, Mal gave up talking entirely, brooding over his beer in stony silence.  He felt Zoe stealing the odd glance in his direction, unsure of what was going on.  Unification Day was usually meant to be a spot of fun, and she didn't understand the source of Mal's anger.   _Neither do I,_ he thought morosely.  But a small voice in the back of his head whispered to him that he wasn't being entirely truthful with himself.

This went on for a couple of hours.  He watched darkly as the boy introduced River to the two other boys and a girl, who were obviously his friends.  He watched as she became life of the party, the center of attention, as she so often did in situations like this.  His usual pride in his beautiful, talented pilot blurred into anger and jealousy.

Finally, he'd had enough.  He finished his current drink, slammed the glass on the table and stood up, swaying a little more than he expected.  He ignored Zoe's cautious "Sir?" and stalked over to River and stood in front of her.  "We're leaving." He said shortly as she looked up at him in surprise.

"Captain, what's going on?" River sensed his anger, but didn't comprehend why.  

"C'mon River, don't ask questions, we're done here!" He snapped.  She gave him a wounded look, and it carved into Mal like a knife.  But he didn't apologize.  One of the boys’ friends who didn't know him stood up at River's side.

"I think the lady would like to stay," He said.  River put an arm on the boy to silence him.

"Don't try me, boy!"  Mal spat.  "Gwan nee tzi-jee duh shr!"  _Mind your own business_.  The boy stood his ground, glaring at Mal, but was wise enough not to reply.

Mal watched as River gave Mallory an apologetic look.  She leaned down to him and whispered something in his ear and gave him a small smile.  

"Let's _go_ , River." Mal said through his teeth, trying very hard to be patient.  The boy, Mallory's friend who had challenged him before snorted derisively.

"This is  _Fei Hua_.  Who do you think you are anyway? She's obviously not yours.  And besides, what kind of moron wears a coat like that on Unification day of all gorram days?  The war's long over old timer, get over yourself!"

The boy never stood a chance. He literally toppled backwards over the chair he'd stood up from, hitting the ground with a loud bang.  The bar fell silent and people turned to stare at the commotion.  Mal briefly felt his good cheer return.  But only briefly. When he looked at River's face, he felt his grin fade.

"Mal!" River gasped, angry and confused all at the same time. She immediately bent down to the boy's side.  Mal watched on for a second, before the world went spinning.  The other of Mallory's friend clocked him in the side of the jaw, and Mal felt his head recoil.

"What do you know, he found one!" He heard the glee in Jayne's voice, oblivious.  "Finally, a good tussle!"  Cheerfully, the mercenary set upon attacking the boy who'd hit Mal.

The bar broke into pandemonium.  Tensions had obviously been a bit higher than Mal had originally estimated, as everyone seemed to start fighting with someone.  He got a few good punches in, felt Jayne next to him doing the same.  Zoe had sprung into action and concentrated on clearing a path for them through the door.

"I think we'd best be getting out of here, Sir," She said grimly after a few minutes went by and security started enforcing more strongly.  There was no doubt the bartender had called the local lawmen by then, who were probably on their way.  The four made a quick getaway, the patrons too caught up in the chaos to really notice their exit.  Mallory was bent over his friend that Mal had hit who was still out cold and River barely had a chance to shout an apology at him before heading out with the others.

Mal and his crew headed back to Serenity.  Outside the light of the day was slowly dying.  The further he got from the bar, the more he started to feel like the fool.  He was drunker than he should have been, hadn't eaten much, and his jaw throbbed. He'd nurse a wicked bruise the next day or two.  Zoe supported his unsteady steps, her mouth in a thin line.  Jayne was chattering happily beside them, not picking up on the tension.  

"See?  Told you a good tussle doesn't always have to be  _about_  something.  Ain't that right?"

River followed behind, quiet.  Mal didn't have to be a reader, or  _sober_  for that matter, to feel the anger coming off of her in waves.

Simon and Kaylee were back at the ship by the time they'd made it.  It didn't take the pair long to realize things hadn't gone as planned.

"What happened?"  Simon was the first to brave the question.  He observed Mal's jaw, was about to take a closer look at it, but seeing Mal's expression, seemed to think better of it.  "Fight didn't go so well I take it?"

"Well maybe if the Captain didn't see fit to pick on a boy half his size, it would have been a more noble cause," Zoe stated shortly.  

"Hey, did you not hear what he said to me?  Insulting the browncoats? On Unification day?  It was an honest fight." Mal weakly tried to defend himself, knowing even as he said it, it wouldn't stand up.

"He was a kid.  Didn't know what he was saying, Sir."  Zoe replied evenly. "Not the kind of good time fun we were lookin' for I don't think."

"Ah, come on, who _cares_?  Good for kids to brawl like that," Jayne was philosophical about the whole thing.  "A rung bell and a black eye never hurt nobody permanently."

"Let's just forget it, alright?" Mal was impatient and didn't want to hear about it anymore.  After an awkward silence, Kaylee tentatively suggested supper at a place her and Simon had passed on the way back.  

"Sounds great Kaylee," Zoe replied.  Then turning to Mal, she was pointed. "Maybe you should stay back and sleep it off,  _Sir_."  

Mal opened his mouth to reply, then shut it again.  There was nothing to say.  He watched as everyone left, feeling like an idiot.  River glanced back at him before closing up the ship behind them.  Her gaze was unreadable and before he could react, she turned her back and walked away with the others.  

Alone on his beloved ship, Mal felt more lonely than he'd felt in a long while.

***

A few hours later and the others were still not back.  Mal woke up, still drunk, head hurting and face throbbing.  He forced himself out of bed and made his way to the galley to get an icepack.  As he found one, he eyed the whiskey bottle sitting by the cupboard.   _What the hell_ , he thought charitably, and poured himself a healthy dose.  He slumped down at the table, closing his eyes as he sipped the whiskey and held the ice pack to his face.

"What was that all about back there?"  Mal jumped at the voice.  His eyes snapped open and he was startled to see River standing in the doorway. He hadn't even heard the hatch of Serenity open.

"Where's everyone else?" He asked, ignoring her question.

"Still eating." She answered shortly.  "I wanted to come talk to you. What happened today, that was about me.  You were mad at me.  And I want to know why."

 _Silence._   Mal took another sip of his whiskey before risking a look at her.  Her arms were crossed and she was watching him expectantly.

"I wasn't mad at you," Mal mumbled finally.  He avoided her gaze. "Just worried about you is all, takin' up with strangers.  I mean we  _just_  had that wave from Inara..."

"What a load of  _go se_ ," River snapped.  That got his attention, River never swore.  He looked up at her, her face flushed with ire.  "Mallory's not a stranger.  We all met him long before any of that.  I didn't do anything wrong.  And it's none of your  _business_!"

"No, you didn't. Do anything wrong that is" Mal replied, after a minute.  He looked down stubbornly at his drink.  "And you're right.  It's not my business.  Let's forget it, I was just drunk."

"You weren't just drunk! You were mad about something the second Mallory showed up and you _know_ it."  He did know it.  The silence stretched out between them as River stood in the doorway, arms crossed.  Mal stared morosely at his drink.

"That boy ain't good enough for you." He muttered, so quietly he didn't think she'd hear.

"What?  What on earth are you talking about?" River whispered.  Apparently he'd thought wrong.

"You've barely said two words to him, you don't know anything about him,"  Her voice raising.  " _Just_ a girl,  _not_ a girl!  Broken weapon, woman, mermaid, girl!  No match for _no one_ , not whole, but reflecting whole!"   Mal stared at her with frank curiousity as she spouted her nonsense.  It had been a long time since she had spoken in riddles like this.  Her frustration with herself was evident and she abruptly cut herself off and stood there.  Her eyes were closed, her breathing was heavy as she tried to get herself under control and articulate herself properly.

"Mal."  She took a deep breath.  "I wasn't... And he's not my...  And why does it matter to  _you_?"  She faltered a bit as she said this, and her face became distant, as though remembering something from long ago.  She came into full focus again and looked at him with suspicion in her eyes.

"What is all this about?"

"What's this _about_?" Mal was exasperated.  Something snapped in him.  He stood up from where he sat, and put his palms on the table in front of him.

"Don't you know, Darlin? Don't you  _know_?" His voice took on a note of desperation as River only looked at him, her face perplexed.  "You must know," He finished lamely. "you see into me after all."

It slowly dawned on her what he was saying.

"You... you think I read you." She said slowly.  "You think I know what's in your mind."  He stared back at her accusingly.

"Well  _don't_  you?" He snapped.  She gave him a long look.

I don't pry Captain." She replied, in the same slow voice, trying to choose her words carefully. "I know some things from... before. But I don't look now.  I stopped reading you a long time ago, or anyone else on Serenity.  Unless we're on a job and I need to know something that will help us."

His mind tried to process what she was saying.  

"You mean... I knew you could block out some things, but I didn't think you could control it that much, not all the time."  Mal suddenly felt a lot more sober than he had a moment ago.

"Gotten better, lots of practice" River whispered. "I don't look into your heart, Captain, it's not polite, and it’s not fair to you, to any of you."  

"But..." Mal tried to wrap this information around his head. All this time, he though she  _knew_. He thought back to all those times where he'd been convinced that she knew what he was thinking.  The thoughts he was ashamed of having. Thoughts of her that had haunted him for so long, until his love for Inara had driven them out.  And then Inara left and things changed.

How those thoughts had reared up again, almost without him realizing it, as he and River had grown irrevocably closer over the last months.   Mal started to realize he hadn't been even fully conscious of his changing feelings towards River until his childish jealousy had reared its ugly head today.

"I thought you knew."  He whispered, feeling like an idiot, for so many reasons.  

His heart sank like an anchor, tethering him to this moment.  Now it was too late.  The secret was now out, a secret he didn't even know he'd been keeping.  He watched her face as she put the pieces together.  Her face showed surprise, bewilderment, and something else he couldn't read.  

"You were  _jealous_? Of Mallory?"  Her voice was disbelieving.  "That was all such a long time ago, it was nothing, really.  It was just nice to see him today, nice to see a friend."  She took a breath and held it a moment.  Then she let it out in a sigh.  Her crossed arms tightened around herself and she shivered.

"Mal, everything we've been through... that night in here when we talked and then fell asleep.  You _helped_ me, you showed me I wasn't alone...  How could you ever think someone like that... someone I met once who doesn't know me, doesn't know what we've all been through?  How could you think someone like _that_ could ever compare to _you_?"  She took a hesitant step out of the doorway and into the galley, but then stopped again, uncertain.  She looked at him searchingly.

Mal shrugged.  "All we've been through, it's been a lot.  But you're still young.  You ain't tied to Serenity and this life, River, not if you don't want it." He said gently.  "There's a hell of a big Verse out there."

"Stop." River warned, closing her eyes, as if in pain.  "Just  _stop._   How can you even say that?  Everything we've all been through together... We're all tied to each other."  She opened her eyes again and looked down at him, a warning in her face and her voice colder than it had been a moment ago.  "Don't lie to yourself and don't lie to me."

Mal's eyes widened.  He didn't know how to answer her.

The air in the galley had shifted, the tension no longer angry, but something else entirely.  Mal shook his head hard.  Everything was happening too _fast_.  He felt like he was spinning.

"Oh River, girl" Mal groaned, his voice desperate.  His heart was pounding in his ears.  Things were crumbling down all around them and didn't know if he was strong enough to stop it.  He risked a look up at her, saw her eyes and he knew that she  _knew_.  And that was his undoing.

"I'm not a girl," River whispered.

" _Ta ma de_ , I  _know_  that." In three strides Mal crossed the room and grabbed her face between both hands, forcing her mouth open under his.

***


	9. Chapter 9

 

It was familiar and foreign all at once.

River's arms snaked around Mal.  She shuddered into his mouth and he groaned, pushing all of his desire, frustration and confusion that had built up over the day into the kiss.   There was nothing tentative about it and it was nothing like the last time.  Their tongues dueled and their hands wandered.  Mal felt like he was on fire, like he'd never be put out.  The ache from his bruised jaw was a distant throb, easily ignored.

He picked her up with ease and her legs twisted around his waist.  He walked her back to the table and sat her down on the edge.  He placed himself between her legs and leaned into her.  River threw her head back.  He took advantage of that by attacking her neck with his mouth, licking and kissing down to her collarbone before going back up to her lips.  The forgotten cup of whiskey knocked over onto the ground with a loud clang.  They barely heard it.  River threaded her fingers through Mal's hair as her legs pulled him closer, ever closer. This, Mal thought, was going to get  _real_ out of hand,  _real_ fast.

"We need to slow down," Mal gasped, breaking the kiss and staring at her wildly.  With her on the table, they were at eye level.  River's skin was flushed, lips swollen, and her hair was in her eyes.  He could see her pulse fluttering on the side of her neck and couldn't resist raising his hand up and feel it hammering against his fingers.  She made a choked sound as she stared back at him and shook her head.  She reached her fingers up and tentatively touched the side of his face where he'd been punched.

"Time is a construct," She murmured, placing a kiss at his jaw. "Non-linear, ticking away, the moments that make up a dull day, you fritter and waste... today isn't dull."  She looked up at Mal's curious gaze.

"We need to speed _up_."  She clarified, so earnestly, it made Mal chuckle deeply.  He felt so light, as though something pent up and wearing him down for so long was finally off his shoulders.  He grabbed her hips and ground into her.  He leaned in and licked her lower lip lightly before pressing his lips back onto hers.  

"What we need," He murmured between kisses, "Is to get the gorram hell out of the kitchen before everyone comes home and someone walks in."

River giggled softly, a sound he found painfully arousing.  She pushed him back a little, grabbed his shoulders and hopped off the table, not breaking eye contact.  Slowly and deliberately, she bent and picked up the forgotten cup off the floor and placed it on the table.  Then she then grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the door.

Mal was helpless to do anything but follow as she led him back to the crew quarters.  She opened the door to it his bunk like she'd been opening it her whole life and climbed down.  He followed her down and once inside and securing the hatch, turned to face her.  She sat on the side of his bed, staring at him with dark eyes.  He followed her there and laid her back so she was stretched out under him. He pressed her into the mattress with his weight.  He took her in, hardly daring to breath.  She looked back at him, her eyes wide and her body humming with anticipation.

Mal bent down and captured her lips again.  The fire that had quelled slightly from the walk to his room came flickering up again.  River's teeth nipped at his lower lip, and his hips thrust against her.   Her hands went for the straps of his suspenders and slid them down to his side.  Then her fingers went to the buttons of his shirt and began unfastening them.  Mal shrugged his arms out of the sleeves until his shirt was off.  Her hand immediately went to his bare chest, caressing every piece of skin she could reach.  Her fingers brushed his nipples and he hissed at the contact.

His hands fell to her legs and stroked up her thighs.  He skimmed the hem of her dress, and it reminded him of a time, of a job so long ago, when his hands had been in the exact same position.  That time he'd felt desire, but also confusion and fear.  Now, his confusion was dying with each kiss, each touch from River.  His fear still clung to him.  Fear that this was the wrong thing to be doing.  He had to be sure, before what little control he still had was gone.  He broke away hastily and looked into her eyes.

"River, are you _sure_?" He choked out.  His words came out as more ragged plea than the question he'd intended it to be.  

River gave him a look.   _Don't be stupid,_ it said.  Mal exhaled in relief.  He trusted her to know her own mind.  River's hands came down to his and ran her fingers lightly over his.

He gently pulled her dress up and she lifted her hips to help him, raised her arms until the garment was over her head, then tossed onto the floor, forgotten.  Without pausing, he reached around and unclasped her bra with deft fingers, dimly grateful it came off easily.  His hands fell to her underwear.  He pressed his fingers between River's legs, feeling heat and moisture even through the cloth and he groaned.  Mal took her in, her legs opening and her hips pushing up against him.  Her breathing was ragged, her pupils dilated so that he could see no colour in them other than black, impossibly dark.  She was so tiny.  Her skin was pale, a stark contrast to her dark hair.  She was flawless, except for the scar on her left shoulder from the gunshot, still red, though starting to fade finally.  He pressed his lips gently to the scar and River shivered.  He pulled back again his one hand still stroking her through her underwear lightly.  She moaned softly twitching every time he touched her.  He explored and experimented, seeing what she liked.  He marveled at how responsive she was, to even the smallest caress.

"You are so beautiful, little Albatross," He whispered hoarsely as he hooked his fingers into her underwear and pulled them down and over her legs.  She smiled shyly at the compliment.  She reached up and pulled him down beside her so she could climb on top of him.  

"So are you." she replied, straddling his hips, starting to undo the belt of his trousers, then at the button and zipper until she had freed him.  She gazed at his cock for a moment before running her fingers up and down his length lightly.  He felt himself become harder than he'd already been.  He didn't know if he could withstand this for long.  She looked at him like she knew exactly what he was thinking and he wondered...

"River, stop, please" He begged.  She looked at him with an eyebrow raised as her hand froze.  His smile was strained.  "Darlin' I can't... I don't know that I can take this as slow as I might want to, especially when you go doin' this to me."  She gave him a wicked look and pulled down his trousers all the way so they joined her dress aside the bed.

"Good." she whispered with satisfaction.  Her hand went back to his cock momentarily and gave it a squeeze before skirting back up over his chest.  She slid up the length of him, and he could feel the hot moisture from her leaving a trail on his legs.  He shuddered at the feeling, thinking on how much he wanted to taste her.

"Later, not now," She shook her head.  "I'm tired of waiting."  He blinked, not knowing what she meant, then realized she was responding to his last stray thought.

"You're readin' me right now!" He accused.  She blushed and looked down a moment and he knew he was right.

"You're right here next to me, and your emotions are very... bright now," She explained with an embarrassed grin.  "I could block it out if I wanted to... but I like hearing you."  She looked at him questioningly.  After he'd asked her about reading him, she'd stopped her movement, and was poised above him, worried what he was thinking.  Mal shook his head and laughed ruefully.

"Read away, Darlin,'  All I'm thinkin' on is what's right here between us."  She smiled, relieved.   _As if I could have said anything else_ , Mal thought, staring at his beautiful pilot in awe.   _She could ask me for anything in the verse right now._  Her hips rolled against him, almost unconsciously, and he groaned, his hands grabbing onto her hips and pulled insistently at them.

"Don't hold back," She warned as she positioned herself and allowed him to enter her.  Her breath hitched as she felt her body stretch to accommodate him and her senses awoke to the feeling.

She felt impossibly tight. Mal squeezed his eyes shut, forcing himself to concentrate hard not to let himself thrust helplessly into her now as she began moving up and down the length of him, setting her own rhythm.  He opened his eyes again to see her watching him with something like awe on her face.  His hands moved lightly up and down her legs, up to her breasts, cupping her cheek, and back down again.

"Mal, you feel so good.  Oooh, it feels so good."  Her words were almost a sob as she rocked faster and faster on him.  _Don't hold back,_ she had said.  Mal, sat up, his right arm encircling her waist while the other balanced them on the bed.  The change pushed him deeper into her and they both gasped at the change.  His lips fell to her breasts, sucking and licking as her moans became more ragged. 

"Come on, Darlin,' " His voice hoarse in it's plea as her hips worked faster and faster against him.  He tried to allow her rhythm to guide them, but damn was it hard, her feeling this way against him and he felt his hips thrusting up against her.  This impossible heat.  How had he lived without this, without her?  

 _Of course she'd be good at this_ , Mal thought.   _She was perfect at everything, why wouldn't she be perfect at this too?_

Suddenly, River gasped and her eyes flew open.  She stared wildly, unseeing and he watched her fall apart in front of him.

"Oh Mal," she choked before his mouth fell on her and swallowed her cries.  He could feel her fluttering around him as her orgasm rocked through her and it nearly undid him as he watched her.

His control was officially dead and gone.  As she finally came down, Mal allowed his own frenzy to take over.  Her movements had slowed almost to a halt as her orgasm subsided, and now he pulled her hips impatiently, insistently and thrust into her hard.  Her eyes flew open and she gazed at him, understanding dawning on her face.  He lifted her with his arm and flipped her so that her back was again on the mattress.

"I can't be slow about it, I don't think." He warned her again, his voice tight.  

"Then don't," She whispered back.

 _"Gorram it_ River," He swore, losing himself in frenetic thrusts.  Her heard her gasping and knew with each thrust he was driving the breath out of her, but her hips continued to rise and meet him time after time.  He was shuddering, his breath ragged.

 _Can't be normal, wanting a person like this._  The thought knocked around the back of his mind, before he came with her name on his lips, a strangled prayer.

"Oh _River_ , River Darlin'." He sighed as he emptied into her.  His body spent, exhausted and satiated, he collapsed onto her.  After a moment, he glanced up,  taking in the sight of her, so beautiful, her hair spilled out onto the pillow around her head as she smiled up at him, a look of wonder in her eyes. 

River sighed back in contentment and wrapped her arms around him and pulled his head down to rest at her breast.

***

Mal opened his eyes.  It took him a second to place himself, then it all came flooding back.  He raised his head off of River to see her gazing at him.

It was like a dream, seeing her there in his bed, with him.  But he also felt shyness creeping in between them at so much still left unsaid.  He opened his mouth to say something to try and stop it.

"River, I..." He said, then closed his mouth again, not sure what he had been going to say.  Instead, he kissed her.  Gently this time, undemanding and leisurely.  He felt a wave of tenderness as she sighed into his mouth, the most contented sound he'd ever heard from another person.

"I didn't know," she whispered when he finally pulled away and they laid next to each other.  "I never looked into your mind.  After that job..." She didn't have to specify which one. "I know things had been strained.  But then you and Inara... and I figured that you'd forgotten all about it.  And so I pushed it out of my mind too.  Until, I... I hoped, after that night at the galley especially.  Oh _Mal_."  Her eyes filled with tears.

"I hoped too, more than I would admit to even myself, I hoped for you Darlin.' He rose up onto one arm and gazed down at her, touching his finger to the stray tear that fell down her face, stopping it in its path.  The frantic energy of earlier satisfied, Mal took the time to savour the moment with her.  The way the day had started and rapidly deteriorated, he'd never in his wildest imaginings would have seen it culminating in _this._  He continued to stroke her face, feeling the gentle curve of her jaw down to her neck and enjoying the softness.

"I'm sorry about today," He said sadly.  "There's no excuse for what I did." He still could hardly believe how he had acted, and felt ashamed.  He was glad that he hadn't hit Mallory as well, though he'd certainly wanted to at the time.

"No there's not," River agreed, but after a moment, she gave him a small smile, showing she wasn't as angry as he worried she would be.  She traced a line over his jaw, where the bruise was painful.  He felt the throbbing more acutely now, with nothing to distract him.  River giggled softly. "Well if you want to go with Jayne's interpretation, you were actually doing Smithy a favour.  Initiating a boy to his first bar brawl."  Mal chuckled ruefully.

"Well he certainly wouldn't be the first kid to insult a grumpy old man and get his clock cleaned for it.  Might even be that I remember havin' an encounter or two like that when I was his age."

"Oh Mal," River smiled.  "You're not nearly as old and grumpy as you like to think you are."  Mal smiled, but his face became more serious at her words.

"I know I'm not _ancient_ , or at least I don't like to think of myself that way just yet," He said, reaching for her hand. "And I also don't want to insult you by tellin' you you're too young to know your own mind.  You've had far too much darkness for how old you are, and I've got my own experiences to know how fast it can make a person grow up mighty fast.  I know you ain't been young in _years._ "  He thought about how to say what he needed to say.

"I guess, I just want you to know, I'm aware that an old war veteran turned criminal... well it probably ain't what you imagined for yourself, not by a long shot.  And I _know_ it ain't what your brother would want for you."  Mal turned her hand over in his, gazing at it instead of her face.

"You're a mighty special girl.   _Woman_ ," He corrected. "And you deserve somethin', someone, who's equally special.  Now I don't think that boy today measured up, not by a long stretch.  Though that don't excuse me drinkin' way more than a Captain should've and losin' my temper the way I did..." He blushed. "But he wasn't good enough for you and that's a fact."  

"But that don't mean I'm going to go and make a fool's claim that I measure up any better."  This got to the crux of his worry for her.  Mal remembered being young, when life seemed full of possibility.  He didn't want River to miss out on something for his sake.  He looked at her finally, anxious, hoping she understood what he was trying to say.  River's hand tightened in his and she nodded.  

"I had no idea how my life would turn out,"  River replied, her eyes intent and sure. "For those years in the academy, I gave up hope that I'd ever even have a life outside of that torture.  I didn't just think I'd die there, I _knew_ it.  And then the impossible happened.  Simon rescued me and  I didn't die.  I met all of you and I had the chance to live again."  She reached her hand out and stroked Mal's face.

"Maybe our life is strange to outsiders, but you know me.  In a way that even Simon can't, because of the life you've had, you understand something in me that most can't.  The changes in me from that horrible place, you understand them.  You helped bring me out of my fog.  And you trusted me with Miranda when most people would have been only happy to throw me out, after what I did.  When I first came to Serenity, I was only half a person. Now, finally after all this time, I feel whole again."  River felt tears well up again as she tried to articulate all the feelings she'd had kept to herself for so long.  "I'm not the same person I would have been, it's true.  But this is my life.  Serenity is my life.  Simon, Kaylee, Zoe, Jayne.  You.  Are my life."  She brushed her fingers through Mal's hair, enjoying its unruliness underneath her fingers.  "It's thanks to you I can even lay here right now and know my own mind, Malcolm Reynolds.  And I know I wouldn't change a thing."  She whispered.

Mal felt his heart swell as he looked down at this extraordinary woman.  He didn't know what he'd done right in the Verse to have met her, but as he gazed at her, he promised himself he'd never be so stupid as to let her go.  He leaned down and kissed her.

Besides," River continued when he pulled back.  "Am I really what you imagined for yourself?  A crazy, psychic, alliance trained weapon?"  

"You're none of those things!" Mal said ferverently.  "Well," he amended with a sly grin, "Psychic, yes... crazy, yeah that too.  So since you bring it up..."  She hit him playfully, pretending to be angry, and he chuckled.  

"Ah, point taken.  But now that I know you, now that I've had you like this..." He caressed her with his right hand, stroking slowly down the length of her chest, breasts, abdomen, lower.  "Maybe I couldn't imagine someone like you until I met you.  But _damned_ if you don't seem to fit mighty well."  Then sliding his hand back up, stopping to cup her breast in his hand.  River shivered slightly.  He could feel desire stirring again in him, amazed at himself that he could be ready again so quickly.  "And in all fairness, it would be near impossible to ever dream up someone like you up, little one."  He continued to circle his hand around her nipples lightly, stopping occasionally to toy with them between his fingers and watching them harden into tight little peaks.

"I want you, Malcolm Reynolds," River whispered, her breaths starting to come faster as he continued his ministrations.  "I choose you.  You're the perfect everything as far as I'm concerned.  And don't worry about everyone else.  Don't worry about Simon.  He'll come around... eventually."

"I don't want to talk about Simon," Mal complained, pretending to shudder.  River giggled.  The laugh turned quickly into a gasp as Mal's fingers moved downwards and found their way inside of her, starting a slow rhythm in and out of her, brushing the sensitive flesh as they moved.  Her head arched back as she moaned, her hips lifting off the bed and pushing helplessly into his hand.  He continued this for a spell, enjoying watching her, and feeling the slow build of his own arousal in time with hers.  He leaned down and kissed her, his fingers slowing as he did.  She looked up at him questioningly.

"I know you got yourself a little reacquainted with those readin' skills tonight, little albatross," Mal said, looking at her with serious eyes. "And even though I didn't come out and say it yet, I 'spect you already know I love you."

River smiled. "I do," she whispered, sitting up.  She ran her hands down his abdomen. "But I like to hear you say it."

***

A few hours later, everyone was back on the boat and sound asleep.  River was surprised she hadn't woken to anyone coming through the crew quarters, Jayne and Zoe would have walked right past the door.  But then again, she had been very tired, and she smiled as she thought of the reasons why.  They had been awake a long time, her and Mal.  They explored each other’s bodies, learning what each other liked, and delighting in it.  She looked down at him now, sleeping soundly beside her in the tiny bed, not really suited to two.  She could scarcely believe all that had come to pass, the confessions, the sharing of feelings, of bodies.  She felt free.  

Getting up with reluctance, River quietly started dressing.  When she finished, she couldn't resist crawling back into bed, _just for a little longer,_ she told herself.

"Why're your clothes on?" Mal mumbled sleepily, his arms going around her and his face burying into her neck.

"Back to my room," River whispered.  It was amazing how quickly you could become accustomed to a person.  "Better to get up from separate beds." Mal sighed, but didn't argue.  She laid there with him a few minutes longer, peaceful and content.  Finally, finding herself again on the verge of sleep, she shook herself awake again and extracted herself from Mal, getting out and leaning over him.

"I love you Mal," River said simply, enjoying the feeling of the words on her tongue.  She kissed him and in his sleepy daze, he kissed her back, a tired smile on his lips.

"Love you too Little one.  Happy Unification Day." 


	10. Chapter 10

Love was stranger than River had ever thought it could be.  

When she thought about it, River realized she had a lot of love in her life.  Simon was unwavering, a rock in her life.  Her parents’ love was a distant painful memory she tried not to think on too often.  But slowly, her love for all of Serenity's crew had filled the void that the loss of her parents' love and the trauma of the academy had created for her.  And as she had healed and become more herself, River's love for all them had blossomed in turn.  

She knew, from listening into the hearts of others, the complexities of love and how it varied between everyone.  Zoe and Wash's steadfast love for each other had been mixed with the fond bickering and conflicts that came with any married couple, some silly, some not so silly.  Simon and Kaylee loved with abandonment now, but River remembered all the stops and starts that had happened along the way.  Right words said at the wrong time, Simon's constant overarching concern for his sister that had stood in their way for so long, blinding him to anything or anyone else.  It had taken that awful day on Miranda for Simon to realize what he had almost missed out on entirely.

Even Inara and Mal.  They had loved each other, despite the many philosophical, political and religious chasms between them.  Their love had been tempestuous, conflict fueling the fire of their love.  But Inara never allowed herself to fully let go of herself with Mal, and in the end, their differences could not be overcome. Love didn't fix everything, and some relationships burned brightly, but quickly.

None of these second hand insights River had gleaned from the minds of her crew had prepared her in the slightest for her feelings for Mal.

The last few weeks had been a revelation.  River learned quickly that as soon as she had Mal's love, was free to _touch_ _, explore_  and to _express_ all that was in her heart, she would never be the same.  The barriers she had built in her mind to prevent herself from seeing into Mal came crumbling down quickly.  She allowed herself to feel his thoughts, let his love and passion for her wash over her like a tidal wave.  She knew he no longer minded, even delighted in her ability in a way he'd never thought possible as she learned with astounding speed what he liked, what he craved, and she answered his unspoken questions of what she wanted with her words and with her body.

Their relationship had changed irrevocably.  She was changed.  She wondered that her brother, or anyone else on the crew couldn't see the change in her, day after day, as she felt her love for Mal grow.  So much she felt her heart would burst.  

Inara would know, she knew instinctively.  She would see the change in River, and it wouldn't take her long to know why.  River was glad Inara was absent during Mal's and her exploration of each other.  She felt guilty for thinking so, for she loved Inara well, and knew Inara wouldn't come between her and Mal, not anymore.

Yes, River reflected. Love was strange, beautiful and entirely unpredictable.

***

Mal was stacking up the boxes of their most recent cargo, undyed lambswool they'd obtained from Kerry (legally for once), into Serenity's shuttle. It was set to be delivered today to their final owner on Farraday, a small moon that orbited Harvest. He worked silently and methodically.  Eventually, he became aware of a pair of eyes taking in his every move. He ignored them for a while, continuing to concentrate on his work. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. He looked up and was unsurprised to see River staring at him unabashedly only a few feet away.

"What exactly are you starin' at?" Mal snapped, feigning a lot more irritation than he actually felt.

"You," River admitted freely, her voice low as she got up off her perch and walked over to him. "I was thinking about the next time I can get you alone. In your bunk." He couldn't suppress the shiver that came at her words. River knew he was chiding himself for behaving like a teenager when there was work to be done. But she knew he couldn't resist her either.

"Tonight." He pledged. He reached out and stroked her collarbone lightly, bare beneath his hand other than the thin straps of her dress. She was wearing one of his favourites, a deep blue hue that hugged her on top and fanned out below her waist, a gift from Zoe for her birthday.  The touch held promise of much more and River felt her breath catch. She stared up at him and saw his eyes darken as he watched his own hand stroke her flesh.  

"You two going to stand there and shoot the shit all day, or we gonna get some actual work done around here?" Jayne pushed through them, carrying a couple of guns and Mal dropped his hand immediately. River looked away.

It had been three weeks since Unification day.  So far, no one had suspected anything out of the ordinary with River and Mal, but if they kept acting like fools in public, that would quickly change.

By tacit agreement, they had kept what was between them a secret from everyone. The last weeks had consisted of days of pretending nothing had changed, and nights in which _everything_  had changed.  Although not a virgin before Mal, being with someone she had real passion for was new.  Night after night, River came to Mal's bunk and they explored each other's bodies without inhibition, learning what each other liked.  They experimented with different ideas, things River had only skimmed off other people's minds and was eager to try.  Mal joked she had a dirtier mind than most men he'd met, even in his army days, and that was saying something but he had only been joking.  He was more than happy to follow her every step of the way.  

It never seemed like enough.  River would fall asleep reluctantly, wanting him more with every passing night, wondering if it would ever ease.  Then in the early hours, she'd sneak back into her own bunk so there would be no suspicion come morning.  It was getting harder and harder however to hide her love for him during the days.  River knew that it would have to come out eventually.  She also knew that Mal wasn't ready.  Though he loved her, she knew he was worried about what everyone would think.  She knew he worried about Zoe and Simon the most.  He feared Simon's anger, worried of the doctor's opinion of his Captain taking up with his younger sister.  But most of all, he was terribly, terribly afraid that Zoe wouldn't understand.  

As for River, she was waiting for something too, and she didn't push Mal.  She couldn't say what exactly, but her intuition told her to wait.  She certainly wasn't looking forward to the conversation with Simon for start, but that wasn't all of it.  She didn't know what she was waiting for, but she was content in her instinct that she would know it when it came to pass. 

So today, they were lucky it was Jayne who had interrupted them.  He was oblivious to any subtleties between people at the best of times.  Jayne was also tetchier than usual because Farraday was the moon next to Higgin's Moon and he was nervous about running into any bitter Mudders, or worse, any lawmen from Canton. He'd also been more than a little annoyed at the occasional bursts into song he'd had to endure over the last week.

"Ohhhh, our love for him now, ain't hard to explain!" Kaylee had sang that morning as she came into breakfast, earning some choice words and an obscene gesture in her direction from the disgruntled mercenary. And plenty of laughs from everybody else as they finished off the verse in unison.

"Jayne, there's no call to bring so much heat when we're delivering wool," Mal said, embarrassed at being caught with River, but also exasperated.  "Go and put those guns away."

"Well Mal, you ain't the one who's got a few in the way of enemies around these parts.  I ain't showin' my face without means to defend myself."  Jayne ignored the Captain and was in the process of hiding his arms in various parts of his clothing. "Besides, the way you say it's gonna be and the way it ends up being tend to be two very different scenarios."

"Jayne, no one's gonna be after us delivering perfectly legal goods to a little old granny who just wants to make some sweaters and scarves for the winter!"  Indeed, their contact, while not exactly an old lady, was a middle to later aged farm wife, some distant cousin of Fanty and Mingo.  She apparently had some kind of knitted goods side business in town that was more hobby than anything else.  It wasn't a big job, just an easy buck and an opportunity to work with the two twins, who hadn't often called on Mal's services in the last years, after Miranda.  Mal opened his mouth to enforce his order, annoyed as usual that Jayne always required reprimanding to get him to fall in line.

"Why doesn't he just stay on board?" River suggested.  Mal and Jayne both turned to her surprised.  

"But I always go on the job, that's, well, my job."  Jayne was confused.

"Job's done," River was reasonable. "This is just the delivery.  We'll only be gone a few hours, don't really need everyone to come down.  I can help the Captain with the boxes, they aren't heavy."  Mal opened his mouth to say Jayne was still going, but then closed it again.  He remembered the last time they were in Canton.  Because of Jayne, they wouldn't have been able to get off moon if Inara hadn't interceeded on their behalf.  Not that they'd necessarily encounter anyone from Canton here, but lawmen were usually shared between orbiting moons, and Farraday wasn't all that big of a place.  It wouldn't be unheard of for Jayne to be recognized.  And there was no Inara here now.  Maybe a Jayne-free delivery wasn't so bad.  

"How 'bout it Jayne?  Day off?"  He asked, by way of consent.

"S'long as I still get my cut.  Don't want to be accused of not doing my job as an excuse to cut me less," Jayne said suspiciously.  But he also looked a bit relieved.  

"You'll still get your cut, don't be ridiculous.  Like River says, this is a simple delivery." Mal tried to sooth Jayne.  Zoe walked in.  

"Jayne's stayin' on the boat today," Mal informed her.  "River and I'll deliver the goods.  No need to have everyone come down, being an easy job and all."  Zoe feigned surprise.

"No Hero of Canton?" She shook her head.  "Think you're making a big mistake, Sir.  Can you imagine how much more value goods stolen by Jayne's hand would have to these parts?  I'd wager you could fetch at least three times what we're askin'!"

"I know," Mal replied sadly. "Times'll be a mite more tough around here.  Jayne doesn't like exploitin' his notoriety though, not even for the good of his crew."

"Just a riot, the pair of you," Jayne grumbled.  He started disarming his guns and nodded to River gruffly.  "Thanks, Moonbrain.  'Spect I'll owe you one after this."  River grinned back.

***

Ally Baker was quite possibly the best client Mal had ever had.  A warm, motherly figure with grey streaks through her long brown braid, she had actually asked them to call her "Mother Ally" without a trace of irony.  She greeted them outside her shop where they'd had the space to park the shuttle.  

"Everyone else calls me such," She insisted, after giving Mal and River welcoming hugs that made it seem like she'd known them for years.   It was near impossible to believe she could be related in any way to Fanty and Mingo, Mal thought.

"How are those two?" She asked fondly when he mentioned them.

"Walkin' and Talkin,' " Mal had replied, noncommittally.  She laughed, a rich, throaty sound.

"Oh those two... nothin' but trouble, I've always said.  You and your lady need to stay away from the likes of them from now on if you know what's good for you!  But they do know how to get a lady the best wool in the Verse,"  She held the sample ball of yarn Mal had given her with approving pleasure.  "We have lots of good sheep here, and some alpacas," She explained, "But business has been taking off a little more around here for me, I've been selling into Harvest, and even some to Higgin's these days.  Need more wool.  And shearing season is months away here in this part of the _Zhu Que_."

She had flat out refused to allow River help with unstacking her boxes of wool from the shuttle, despite River's protests that it was no trouble.  Mother Ally insisted on calling a few boys down from the local hardware store who had been only too happy to assist.  It was obvious this was a well-loved figure in the community they were dealing with.

It didn't take long to unload everything, especially with extra help.  When the boys left with a bagged lunch of homemade treats as payment, Mother Ally turned to Mal and River.

"Well I hope you two are hungry, because there's plenty more where that came from."  The three of them walked to a lovely park a few blocks away from the main street to make a picnic. The day was sunny and they sat near a large fountain, with young families watching their children play.

They ate Mother Ally's delicious lunch companionably, answering questions about news of other planets and listening to Mother Ally's stories, mostly about her children and new grandchildren, all who still lived in Farraday.

"Farraday's nothing like Canton," Mal observed, taking in the beautiful landscape.  Devon was surely a modest town on a small moon, but by the looks of it, everyone was doing reasonably well, especially compared to the neighboring mud moon.

"This little moon was nothin' when my husband and I came to it forty years ago... Higgin's hadn't made much of his lot, only the mud to sustain business, no one thought Farraday'd do much better.  But we don't have no Magistrate callin' the shots either.  We have a vote, and elections every five years."  Ally pride shone through her voice.

She went on to describe her life on the Farraday.  "Just one of those terraforming accidents, I 'spose, where moons so close to each other can fare so differently... my heart goes out to those mudders on Higgin's.  They've worked themselves to the bone while the good Lord's given us so much fortune.  Mind you, it's been damn hard work for me and Joe.  Cultivating new land isn't a job I'd wish on many, but we made a good go of it, so we did." Mother Ally's husband ran a small but prosperous farm right outside of town, where their two grown sons and their families continued to work alongside them.

"Farraday reminds me a bit of my home, back on Shadow," Mal replied, remembering.  "Beautiful home, good town, good neighbors.  My Mama and I, we were always busy, same as the other farm hands on our ranch.  But I wouldn't have changed a thing.  Best way for a boy to grow up, surrounded by horses and acres of countryside.  Sometimes wish I could have stayed there."  He noticed River looking at him curiously.  It wasn't often he talked of home.  Even in the last weeks, she'd asked him about it and although he answered her questions, he knew she yearned to hear more, and was waiting for him to decide to tell it, rather than pick it out of his head.  He felt a rush of affection for his pilot and reached out and took her hand.  He reclined back on the grass and enjoyed the sunlight, and having River's hand in his.  His contended memories of youth swirled around the present, blending the two together.

"What brings a good farm boy like you out into the Verse?" Mother Ally asked.  Mal was silent for a spell, but she showed no sign of impatience or discomfort.

"Well, not every boy was able to grow up the way I did," Mal replied finally.  "Trouble is, lots of planets out here on the Rim had plenty of the toil I grew up with, with none of the reward.  Never thought it fit that bad luck was all that could determine a man's fate between have and have not.  Fought a war with the belief that good people like yourself would do a hell of a lot better helpin' themselves and each other, than needin' the core to do it for them.  The local votes and elections you speak of, that's what goes a long way to makin' this moon prosperous.  Magistrates like Higgins are in bed with a core government who couldn't care less about us out here.  So they line their pockets and don't give a damn about their people.  That ain't right."  

Mother Ally nodded sympathetically.  "Well said, young man.  The war did no one out here any good, but I can't see no good that came from Unification neither.  And this old lady's lived through both.  Higgin's certainly has gotten worse these past years after the war, I don't doubt that." 

"Mal," River asked quietly. "What happened to your home?"

Mal's voice took on a darker tone. "Well as much as I loved Shadow, I became aware of a lot of problems there, older I got.  Alliance's taxation was nearly unbearable for landowners like my own Mama, made stayin' afloat near impossible for some.  Most of the people on Shadow weren't for Unification.  We knew taxation would only get worse.  Some of us fools volunteered up to fight for those beliefs in the war.  Alliance had no trouble destroying my home in that war to make a point, despite the thousands of innocents who didn't fight no war that still lived there."  And although he didn't say it, River and Mother Ally both knew that one of those thousands included Mal's mother.

River's eyes filled with tears.  She knew Shadow had been destroyed from studying the war as a child in school.  Although in lessons, they'd always learned that Shadow was a war zone, full of browncoats terrorizing the locals, and that the Alliance hadn't had a choice in massive bombing the planet.  No mention had ever been made of the hundreds of farms and homestead that dotted the mostly rural planet.  She could picture these places in Mal's mind now as he remembered his life there with sadness and anger.  River had always known from Mal's own disjointed thoughts about his home that something terrible had happened.  She wasn't surprised to hear it now, but her heart broke for him.  She squeezed his hand and leaned in to kiss his cheek.

"You're a very brave young man, Mr. Reynolds," Mother Ally said kindly. "There are a few here that fought on your side in the war and I'm convinced the losin' side was the right side, though we've made due with Alliance control as best we can out here.  I 'spect your mother would be proud if she was here to see the fine man you are today."

Mal nodded shortly and looked away.  The three sat in silence, each to their own thoughts.  Eventually, he felt River let go of his hand and looked over.  She got up and walked in the direction of the water fountain.  He watched her as she leaned over it and drank.

"She your woman?" Ally asked bluntly when River was out of earshot.  Mal didn't hesitate.

"She is," He replied.  "Crew don't know though, not yet anyway.  She's got a brother who'd be mighty disappointed to know 'bout us.  And she's a bit younger than me than I'd like."  He sighed.  "Sure do love her though."  

"Girl like that knows her mind," Mother Ally replied shrewdly.  "And age's naught but a number.  My Joe and me are eleven years apart.  Means not a thing when you love someone."  They both watched River as she finished drinking and paused to take in her surroundings, Mother Ally considering her.

"That one's yours through and through.  And you're hers.  Any brother who truly loves his sister will see that."  Mal laughed ruefully, watching River walk back towards them, watching them both.

"I hope you're right about that, Mother."  He had his doubts that things would go that smoothly.

***

When they parted back at the shuttle, Ally slipped Mal a little extra coin than the price he'd agreed upon with Fanty and Mingo.  He protested, not wanting to take more than a fair wage from this kind woman, but she waved his concerns away.

"Young man, those sneaky little cousins of mine always get me the best deal," She laughed. "But I can afford to pay a little extra when I get me some real quality goods.  You take this, and you can also bet I'll be sending you and your crew some scarves down the line that I know you'll make use of."  He was touched, knowing when she said quality, Mother Ally wasn't just referring to the lambs wool.

She hugged River and Mal fondly.

"Next time you're here, you bring your whole crew, Malcolm Reynolds,"  She winked at River.  "I want to meet that brother of yours.  And I'm not so old that my heart wouldn't flutter a bit to lay eyes on Jayne Cobb!  He's a right hero, even on this moon!"

Mal and River both laughed and Mal replied there was nothing he'd rather do more.

***

They set course back to Serenity, a twenty-minute journey with River piloting the ship.  Mal stood behind her as she entered in course calculations, massaging her shoulders.  When she had finished, she leaned back into his hands, sighing deeply.  He bent down and kissed the side of her neck.

"Well I say we should make ourselves a business exclusive to farmer's wives if that's the way it's going to be," Mal declared approvingly.  "Best job I've had in years!  No one got shot, no one threatened to get shot.  We should settle down the crew on some stretch of land and start raisin' sheep, don't you think?" 

"Sheep are boring.  I'd miss the crime," River confessed.  Mal laughed.

"Good answer, Little Albatross." 

She continued maneuvering until they were almost out of atmo.  She waved Serenity so Zoe, undoubtedly at the helm, would know they were on their way.

"It was nice, being out in the open with someone," River ventured carefully, meaning with Ally Baker.  She hadn't heard any of what Mal had talked about with her ears, but Mal wasn't surprised she had listened in a little while she'd been at the water fountain.

"That it was," He replied, his hands still on her shoulders.  "I don't want to be sneaking around, Albatross," Mal said.  "I guess, what's between us is so new, and I know it all won't be easy for everyone else.  I just wanted to enjoy you in peace for a while, without dealin' with everyone else's opinions.  But I do mean to do right by you."

"I know," River replied.  "Time's not right anyway."  She turned to kiss him thoroughly on the mouth and they enjoyed each other for a minute before she had to return to the helm and inform Zoe they were five minutes away from docking.  

"Tonight's still mighty far away, Little one," He grumbled longingly into her ear, when the com was turned back off.   

"Farther than you think," She whispered, her head turned to the side, as if listening.  Surprised at her answer, Mal leaned over so she could see his face and gave her an odd look.

"What do you mean?" He asked.  Before she had a chance to reply, Zoe's voice came back on the comm.

"Captain, we'll have to delay you and River five minutes, Shuttle two is docking right now, I'll let you know when you're clear."  Indeed, as they looked out, Mal could see Serenity's other shuttle initiating docking sequence into it's spot.

"Why's the shuttle out?" Mal asked.

"Had to go down to Higgin's, Sir, to pick up a passenger," Zoe replied, "Get on board and we'll explain."  She was out before he had a chance to demand a better explanation.

"This what you were talking about, little one?" Mal asked.  River nodded.

"Like I said before, not the right time," She replied. "Things are about to get complicated."

*** 

Mal was out of the shuttle barely after docking had finished, and tore out into Serenity.  The first person he happened upon was Jayne.

"What in the  _hun dun_ hell is going on?" Mal demanded of Jayne, "Why'd you take Shuttle two out?"

"Shoulda gone with you and Crazy, that's what's goin' on," Jayne replied moodily.  "I had to go down to  _Canton_ , Mal.  Of all the gorram places, I had to go there!  Lucky I didn't have to get off the shuttle."

"Yes, but  _why_ did you have to go down there, Jayne?" Mal gritted his teeth, trying to keep control on his patience.

"He had to come get me," A voice said behind Jayne.  Mal's heart started pounding, knowing who it was before he looked.

"He contacted you, there's another operative after River."  Mal said grimly without preamble.  Inara stood there, offering him a weak smile.

"He contacted me." She said simply.

 


	11. Chapter 11

"He came to see me, about a week ago," Inara explained to the whole crew.  They sat around the galley an hour after everyone had disembarked off the shuttles and Inara got settled.  

Simon and Kaylee sat together at the table, the opposite end of where Inara sat, Kaylee waiting for tea to steep.  Jayne leaned back on the sink, arms crossed over his chest.  Zoe and Mal had pulled chairs beside each other against the supply cupboards.  River sat alone, her knees pulled up and hugged to her chest.  Mal kept glancing in her direction.  He noticed Simon sending similar concerned looks in his sister's direction, but she didn't look up at either of them.

"He met me in Madrassa.  He knew you were heading to this area to deliver wool from Kerry.  He said it was easier to track you because this job fell on the legal side of trade," Inara smiled despite herself.  She paused as Kaylee poured tea for everyone.  After taking a sip, she returned to her story.  

"I was going to send you a wave and tell you all this, but you were already in Kerry, and due to come to Farraday.  So I booked passage to Harvest and Fess Higgins' picked me up and took me to Canton to wait until I could wave Serenity.  The magistrate wasn't all to pleased to see me actually."  She winked at Jayne. "Fess Higgins said to say hi."

Jayne glowered at her.

"He said they've activated another operative, an assassin to go after River," Inara went on, serious now. "That they've already planned the job that will get her in the right place at the right time.

"He gave me the coordinates I gave you earlier," Inara nodded towards Mal.  "He wants you to meet him there in six days, with River.  It's a place where no alliance will be monitoring.  He says that he could have taken the new operative down alone, but with River there, he has found a way to end the whole thing, to keep the Alliance away from all of us, and from River for good."

"So he didn't explain how exactly he planned on doing this?" Simon piped up, sounding skeptical.  Inara shook her head.

"No, he didn't."  Inara replied.  "He said that he would meet us first and he would explain.  And we would finalize a plan together."

"Where are we s'posed to meet him, anyway?" Kaylee asked.  Mal looked down grimly at the coordinates that Inara had given him.

"Shadow," He answered shortly.  "Not far from where I grew up as it just so happens."

" _Shadow_?" Zoe cut in, her eyebrows raised doubtfully.  "Don't make sense.  What's he playin' at?"

"Meetin' where you grew up before the war, out of all the places in the verse, that sounds  _wrong_ to me," Jayne muttered.  "Nothin' on that rock anymore except graves.  Don't like it."  Mal privately agreed with Jayne.  He looked over at River, who hadn't spoken up once.  

"What is it you're thinkin' little one?" He asked gently.  All eyes turned to River.  She looked up at everyone, seeming startled.  Then she focused on Mal and gazed at him intently.

"I want to go."  River replied.  "No one else has to come with me, but I want to.  I know what I'm up against this time, and I can fight.  No need to drag any of you into this."

 _"Hoo-tsuh_!" Jayne exclaimed.  Everyone looked to him, surprised.  "We all go in, look after each other."  He blushed, self-conscious as everyone gaped at his outburst.  "Well, I said I owed you anyway, didn't I Moonbrain?  Not that your favour back on Farraday was much good to me as it turned out.  But, I still owe you."  He looked up at River, almost shyly, and she felt her own eyes tear up, touched beyond comprehension.

"Thank you." She whispered.

"Well I think that this is one of the few times I can say that Jayne speaks for all of us."  Mal stood up, addressing everyone. "We'll keep the meeting, see what the operative has to say and try to get a sense of what we're up against. Not meaning to imply I fully trust him but we'll be armed with weapons and our resident reader to let us know if things go sideways."

As he dismissed everyone, Mal went to move to River's side, to talk to her, but Simon got there first.  He, watched Simon whisper something into his sister's ear, and she got up.  She sent Mal a quick glance before allowing Simon to take her arm and lead her out.  Mal felt an irrational annoyance that he couldn't be the one to be at her side, but couldn't think of any reason to stop them.  He was about to quit the galley when he felt Inara's hand on his arm.

"Mal.  I'm happy to see you, despite the circumstances," Inara smiled, reaching to give him a hug.  He returned it, relaxing into her and breathing her familiar scent in as he did.  It was good to have her back.

"I'm glad you're home, for good this time I surely hope." He replied, meaning it.  "Work was good?"  He asked without bitterness and Inara smiled gratefully.

"Yes, it truly was nice to get back into it, I felt like I was doing the work I was meant for."

"You'll be able to do that work here, 'Nara.  I promise," Mal started.  Inara raised her hand.

"I know, Mal.  That's all past us now.  I'm glad.  Because as much as I missed my work, I missed Serenity.  I guess I've gotten used to a more colourful way of life than Sihnon had to offer," She smiled ruefully, then looked around the galley.  "It's so nice to be home.  Good to see everyone the same.  You seem different though," Inara observed, giving Mal a penetrating look.

"I 'spose I am," Mal said noncommittally.  "Older and wiser.  Better looking too I imagine."  Inara laughed at that.

"Always." She continued to look at him searchingly. "There is something else though."

"We'll it's a bit of a tense time," Mal offered.  He was on cautious gound.  He didn't know how Inara would take him being with River, but he had a feeling she wouldn't be happy, wouldn't understand.  But he was getting tired of keeping secrets on his boat.

"Yes," Inara agreed. "But you seem... I don't know. Comfortable. In your own skin." She waved her hand vaguely, not knowing how to articulate it. "When this is all over, this business with River and the Operative, we should sit down and catch up."

"Okay," Mal nodded. "There's some things I wouldn't mind tellin'. "

***

"You okay,  _mei mei_?" Simon asked, finally sitting down with River when it was just the two of them.  They were on the bridge.  While he waited for her answer, Simon looked out into the black and stars. It struck him that this was the one place on the ship where you could look outside and yet he rarely came to this room. For a time, he'd felt deeply uncomfortable with the idea of a small window separating him from space. That fear had lessened greatly however in the last years. The view was actually quite beautiful, he reflected now.

"It's hard, it's all on me, all of this." River whispered.  "All my fault." His sister's words dragged Simon back into the present.  He looked at her with all the anxiety he'd been feeling since Inara returned.

"No one blames you," Simon was firm.  "We're all in this together, that's been true for ages now, you know that."  River nodded after a moment's pause.  Simon continued on.  "But I trust you above everyone else.  I don't care what Mal thinks is best, if you want something else, I'm with you.  Do you really think we should meet this operative on Shadow?  Is he honest?"

River smiled at her brother, feeling a rush of love at his unwavering trust.  It was ironic, both he and Mal were thinking along the same lines, thinking that this was a trap.

"No, it's what I need to do."  She looked away.  "We've had good work the last few months, things have been as peaceful as they ever are.  But the Alliance will keep coming, time and again.  We'll never be free unless they stop coming for me.  One way or another, this running has to stop.  It's not fair to anyone here.  It's not fair to you, to Kaylee and the life you should have together."  When she looked back to Simon, her mouth was in a straight, determined line.  "I mean to finish this."

Simon stared intently at her.  He wanted to argue, but he saw the determination in her eyes.  "Okay, River.  I trust you.  Whatever you need."

The two stared out into the black together. Simon made a promise to himself.  When River was safe again and all this business was behind him, he'd bring Kaylee here one night.  To look at the stars.

***

Later that night, Simon left with a kiss on his sister's head, off to bed to his fiancée.  River was just about to head off the bridge herself when she turned to find Inara coming in.  They were alone.

"I have something for you, sweetheart," Inara held up the object in her right hand.

It was the sword that River had only seen in the pictures Inara had sent.  She pulled it out of the hilt and examined it.  It was indeed beautiful.  She held it in her hand, feeling the weight of it.  She ran her hand down the river that cut down the middle of the sword, feeling the waves of the water, carved in relief.  River had never wielded a sword before, but she knew she could. As she held it in her hands she itched to try it out.

"There's something else too, isn't there?" River said, her eyes not moving from the sword.  She felt, rather than saw Inara nod.

"He also gave me this to give you to.  The man has style, I'll give him that," Inara handed River a sealed letter made of rice paper, with an old-fashioned wax seal.  "He said no one else was to see this, except for you, and that you weren't to tell anyone about it."

"Do you know what it says?"  River asked, looking at Inara intently.

"No," She admitted.  "He said you'd understand everything when you read it.  I didn't tell Mal.  I wanted to, but I trust you to decide that."

"Thank you, Inara," River replied, softly.  She tucked the letter into her dress pocket out of sight.

"How've you been?" Inara asked sympathetically.  "This can't be easy for you."

"Always someone after me it seems," River agreed, setting the sword down, back into it's hilt.  She thought back to her conversation with Simon.  "I'll be glad to get this meeting done.  Everyone else is worried about the next few days, but I'm not.  It's a relief.  I'm tired of my problems affecting the lives of everyone else."  Inara nodded.  She didn't bother arguing with River.  Everyone loved River and no one blamed her for the Alliance on their heels.  But she understood how River felt regardless.

"You up here, little one? Was wonderin' what was takin' you so long," Mal burst in, then stopped short as he saw Inara alongside River.  "Oh, hey 'Nara.  Didn't know you were here too."

"No, I just came up to talk to River." Inara said.  She saw Mal take in the sword beside River.  She was glad River had already put the letter away.  She watched as something she didn't quite understand pass between River and the Captain.  No one spoke.  "Taking so long for what?"  Inara said finally.

"What?" Mal asked, distracted.  He turned his gaze to Inara.

"You said River was taking too long.  Too long for what?"  Inara repeated her question.  Mal looked stumped for a second.

"Course corrections, settin' course for Shadow tonight, she was sp'osed to come tell me when she'd done it." He finally responded.  Inara nodded.  Made sense.  She couldn't shake that Mal had just lied to her.  But she didn't know why.

"Well, I'll be off to bed," Inara said finally, after some silence.

"Me too," River said abruptly.  She pushed a few buttons on the controls, then stood to kiss Inara's cheek.  "Good to have you home.  Goodnight Captain, course is set."  She acknowledged Mal and walked alone, back to her bunk.  Inara and Mal watched her before Inara took her leave also, leaving Mal standing on the bridge alone.

***

An hour later, after she was certain no one would hear, River crept into Mal's bunk.  He was standing by his desk, leafing through one of his books distractedly.  He looked in her direction as her feet touched the floor.

"Didn't know if you'd come," He said, setting his book down.

"Then you don't know me," River said with a slight smile.

Before she knew it, Mal had her cornered against the wall where she had come in.

"I know you," Mal whispered. "I'd know you anywhere. If I were blind I'd know you."  He kissed her fiercely, immediately igniting the fire that was always simmering beneath the surface of her.  Like she had been dying of thirst and finally given drink.

It was frantic, much like that first night.  They didn't even take the time to get back to the bed. Instead, Mal took her right next to the ladder, pushing her dress impatiently up over her hips, pulling down her underwear and then lifting River up and bracing her against the wall.  He took only the time to unfasten his trousers.  Before River knew it, Mal was inside her and she gasped with pleasure.

"Shhh, shhh Darlin,'" Mal soothed, kissing her to halt her cries as she came, almost immediately.  He marveled at how fast it could be for her.  He was soon to follow, his release shuddered through him so all he saw was white.  He then collapsed against her, fully spent, breath heavy.

"You weren't kiddin' earlier when you said tonight would take forever to come," He finally whispered into her hair.  "This morning feels like a week ago."

"I know," she sighed.  Time could be strange in the black.  The weight of the day’s events that had been blissfully forgotten started creeping back into her consciousness.  Mal gently backed away from the wall so that River could slide down.  He winced, his legs shaking from bearing her weight.  He knew he'd be stiff in the morning, but also that it was worth every ache.

They crawled into bed.  Mal tenderly removed the dress she still wore, and then removed his own clothing before pulling the covers over them.  They lay there, enjoying each other's warmth.  

"You say your full piece back there to everyone?" Mal asked eventually.  River leaned in against him and his arm went automatically around her shoulder.  She told them about her conversation with Simon.  Mal felt his respect for the doctor who showed unfailing good sense when it came to trusting and protecting his sister.

"What'd you and Inara talk about?" He asked when she'd finished.

"She came to give me the sword," River replied.  "I'll show it to you tomorrow, it's in my bunk."  She neglected to mention the letter, as Inara had instructed.  Her instinct told her it was the right course of action for the time being. She hesitated before asking the other thing that had been on her mind. Biting her lip and trying to sound casual, she asked,  "Is it strange, having her back?"  Mal looked at her appraisingly.

"It's always been the plan to have her come back, Darlin' and I'm surely happy she's here, despite the reason being we have that Operative to deal with again."  He scrutinized her expression.  "But if what you're really askin' is if it has any effect on the landscape where you and I are concerned, you can let those worries settle right here and now.  That's long over, what was between us."  River had known that already.  Mal and her had discussed Inara in the past weeks and she heard the full story of the ending of their relationships.  It was still a relief to hear him put it into words though.

They stayed up longer, talking about the Operative and the meeting at Shadow, what could happen afterwards.  

"Will you be okay being home?"  River asked.  Mal sighed.

"Ain't home anymore anyway, River."  He replied.  "Serenity’s home.  And even if it weren't, Jayne's right.  Nothin' but graves on that old rock anymore.  All that made it home's long gone."  He was silent, thinking he'd talked more about Shadow today than he had in a long spell.  River's hand was tight in his.  He felt her quiet support and was grateful for it.

Eventually, yawns punctuated their speech, and both found themselves fighting sleep.

"Well, course is plot anyway," Mal sighed sleepily, kissing River and reaching for the lamp.  "Take us time to get there and plenty of time to go over the plan.  Or in this case the lack of plan.  Best be getting some sleep now."

River cuddled up against him and was quick to slumber.

***

In the early hours of the morning, River felt herself being gently coaxed awake by Mal's hands and lips exploring her body.  She smiled sleepily.

"I thought I was dreaming," she whispered and felt his lips in an answering smile against her neck as she lay on her stomach.  "Is it time for me to go?"

"We got plenty of time," Mal murmured, his hand running up and down her back. River glanced at the clock by the bed and saw that that wasn't strictly true, but she decided to let it slide, just this once.

"This okay?" He whispered, his hands becoming more purposeful in their seduction. She nodded wordlessly, her drowsiness melting away with each passing second and each gentle caress.

River could scarcely believe how much she wanted this man.  She felt her breath catch in restless anticipation as she felt him move so he was on top of her. She started to flip over but his hands stopped her.

"Stay like that, please," he whispered tightly. She nodded her assent, hearing the arousal in his voice, and feeling it coming off of him in waves, fueling her own desire.

He soon realized she was as ready as he was. With this knowledge, Mal groaned softly and buried himself into her. The unfamiliar position was jarring for only a moment before River relaxed into him, enjoying his weight on top of her. His hands wandered over her during his slow but purposeful thrusts. His breath was hot at her ear. "I love you," he hissed, his breaths coming faster as his pace quickened. "Do you know how much I love you, Darlin?"

"I know," she choked out, trying to keep from moaning by pressing her face to the pillow. "I love you too, I love you..." She felt her hips arch back against him. She hadn't thought she'd be able to come in this position, but her body was proving her deliciously wrong...

 ***

"Gettin' hard to keep pretence that this ain't goin' on to everyone else." Mal said after they were finished, watching her dress so she could sneak back to her bunk. "I'm tired of treatin' this like it's wrong, what you and I have."

"I know," she agreed. She was glad he was feeling more ready. She knew the day planetside with Mother Ally had helped a lot. "It'll be time soon.  We finish all of this, and then we go from there."

Mal nodded thoughtfully.  "Do the job, then we tell everyone.  Be damned if I know what we'll say though.  Don't expect there's anything we can say that will keep me from gettin' a good shiner from that brother of yours." He pulled her in for a kiss before she quit the room.  River giggled softly.

"We'll find a way," She promised.

*** 

When River got back to her own room, her mind was on getting an hour or so more sleep.  But upon entering, she eyes fell on the letter Inara had given her the night before.  It had sat, forgotten on her bed where she had hastily laid it, before leaving to Mal's bunk.  She sat down now, fingering the wax seal and old-fashioned paper.  The seal was dark purple, and pictured a flame with an arrow going through it.

She was so overcome by curiosity, it was hard to believe she had left it unopened for so long.  Only Mal, she thought fondly, could keep her distracted enough that the contents of this letter could remain a mystery until now.

Gingerly, careful to preserve the seal as best she could, River opened the letter now. It was written in skilled calligraphy, beautiful, almost a piece of art.  

Sitting on her bed, River began to read.

By the time she was done, sleep was the furthest thing from her mind.  She read over the letter again, considering.  Six days until their meeting. She had work to do.

 


	12. Chapter 12

With course plotted to Shadow, there was very little to do other than wait.  They made a quick stop for maintenance and refueling before continuing on their way.  Mal paced the ship restlessly during the days when there was nothing else to be done, mulling things over in his mind.

At night, the crew played games, either running around in the cargo or lazing around over cards in the galley after supper.  No one knew what would be in store for them after Shadow, and everyone rather enjoyed this free time before the unknown.  

Jayne went over another shooting lesson with River one day, getting all his guns out in the galley and testing her knowledge, having her practice loading and unloading his various weapons, over and over again, until he was satisfied with her speed.

"You remember everything now, you hear?"  Jayne reminded her yet again. "Whatever plan that _hun dun_ has for ya, it'll involve some kind of shootin' and that's a fact."  She nodded and Jayne, satisfied with that, declared it time for a break, and poured them both a shot of whiskey.

"Don't tell your brother," He said as he clinked his glass to hers.

Zoe and River sparred together a couple of times as well.  The exercise was good, although Zoe was fast to admit she'd be no match for River in a real fight.  River easily anticipated Zoe's moves and was gentle during their workouts so as not to harm.  It was a good exercise in control for her.

Inara resumed her place easily on the ship also, and it was in some ways like she had never been away.  Inara, Kaylee and River sat together often over the few days, going over the cortex and looking at wedding dresses.  Kaylee felt bad focusing on such things, but River insisted, enjoying the time with her soon to be sister in law and the three giggled together as the shooed Simon away every time he came close to them.

Mal and River stole glances at each other during the days.  They maintained their easy camaraderie in front of everyone, but the smoldering looks between them when no one was paying attention betrayed the depth of their feelings.  

River herself had been hard at work.  She had taken pains to make her own preparations for Shadow, unbeknownst to everyone.  She had snuck into the infirmary one night and taken a few supplies and arranging things so he wouldn't miss anything in his methodical weekly inventory.  

The afternoon before they were due to reach Shadow, River also sought out Inara, sword in hand.

"Hi Honey, what are you doing here?" Inara said fondly, letting River into her shuttle.  She looked at the sword in River's hand questioningly.

"Jayne says knowing the theory of using a weapon isn't the same as holding it in your hand and wielding it."  River replied.  "I have plenty of theory of the sword in my mind, but no experience.  I was hoping you could teach me."

"You're listening to Jayne's advice?" Inara smiled, making a gentle joke, but River was solemn.

"Jayne is wise in his own way.  And he's right in this.  He's focusing on guns, but it's this I need to know how to use.  And Jayne can't help with that. You can."  She held the sword up to Inara.  Inara nodded.  

"How did you know I could help you?"  Inara knew River had been around when she had taught Mal some sword skills back on Persephone, but she had been still very ill.

"He told me," River said simply.  "He said you're well trained.  Can you do this for me?"  Inara nodded.  She went into one of her trunks and pulled out two practice swords.

"No need for that one, though,"  She replied.  "I'd feel better practicing with dull blades that can't harm, especially since you've never done this before, outside of your head that is."  Inara began clearing space in her shuttle, knowing intuitively that River would want to keep this a secret between them and therefore the cargo hold was not an option.  River helped her, piling up her things on the bed so they'd have room to maneuver."

Inara wasn't at all surprised to see what a natural River was.  Her moves were very textbook at first, and Inara easily blocked her, but River quickly gained ground until they were evenly matched.  It went on a spell, with Inara stopping to give pointers once and a while.  River listened to her suggestions respectfully and then easily put them into practice.  Her ability to foresee Inara's defenses and counter attacks also worked greatly to her advantage as she tested out different movements and strategies.

After about forty-five minutes, Inara put her hand up in peace.  

"I honestly think I've taught you everything I can," She laughed when River had easily bested her a third time.  She put down her sword and went to pour them both a glass of water.  "Mal's the worst student I ever had, and you are without doubt the best."  They were silent a moment, satiating their thirst and catching their breath.

"You get a chance to read the letter?" Inara ventured after a few minutes.  She knew that of course River would have read it, but was just trying to politely bring it up.  She watched as River nodded, but didn't elaborate.

"And?"  She prompted gently.  "Did you show it to Mal?"

"No," River answered softly.  She turned to Inara.  "He wouldn't keep the meeting tomorrow if he knew what it said."

"Don’t you trust him?" Inara asked, concerned.  "Mal has your best interest at heart River, he'll do right by you, and if he knows what's going on, he can only help you.  And if he thinks you shouldn't go, maybe that's good judgement."

"I know that," River replied.  "He'll do anything for me.  But it will make him blind in this.  He can't be involved.  And we have to be there tomorrow."  She spoke with a strength of conviction that startled Inara.  She looked at River with new interest.  River glanced at her quickly.  "I can't explain it to you either."  

"No, of course," Inara didn't press.  Though she couldn't help her curiosity.  

"Thank you, Inara," River said, standing up.  She finished her glass of water. "You were the only one who could help me with this and you did without question."

Inara smiled, her thoughts quieting down as she pulled River in for a hug.  "Of course, sweetheart," She smiled warmly.  "Please come back if you need anything else."  River smiled.

When River left, Inara reflected on their conversation.  River had been so sure of Mal.  It wasn't so strange, they were very close and of course as a reader, she knew them _all_ well, probably better than they realized.  But there was something in the way River spoke of Mal in particular that Inara recognized. She thought back to Mal and how different he'd seemed since she had come back.  She started to realize that Mal wasn't the only one on Serenity who seemed different, and her Companion training told her that it wasn't a coincidence.

***

That night after supper, Mal waited for Simon and River to finish up with the dishes, as it was their turn.  Everyone else played cards.

When they finished cleaning, Mal cleared his throat.

"Don't have much to say tonight in regards to tomorrow." He said to his crew.  "As you know, tomorrow's just about meetin' to hear the plan.  I'm sure tomorrow night there'll be a lot more in terms of discussion to be had and decisions to be made."  Everyone nodded.  

"Just wanted to outline the way it'll look tomorrow," Mal explained.  Zoe, Jayne, Simon, you'll be coming down with River and I planetside."

"Me?" Simon asked, puzzled. As he sat down at the table, Kaylee reached automatically for his hand.  

Mal nodded, all business.

"River conjures there's good reason for you to be here, and that's good enough for me."  Simon nodded, glancing at River.  She offered him a small smile.  Simon wondered if she was just including him because he'd feel better, and he smiled back.  Habit meant he'd feel more at ease watching over his sister, and he was glad, but he was surprised Mal was allowing it.

"We'll be takin' the mule down to the coordinates.  Kaylee and Inara will stay on board a ways out.  Kaylee, you'll keep the engine hot and ready for a swift take off.  Not sayin' we'll be needing it, but it's always a good plan, way things tend to turn out for us.  Inara, you be ready at the helm.  I know you don't fly Serenity, but you have enough pilotin' skills to get us up if we need you.  A Firefly shuttle ain't all that different from the Firefly itself."

Inara nodded, feeling a bit nervous to be assigned to Serenity's helm, but figured she'd stop by the bridge tonight and take a peek at the controls.

"That's about it, then," Mal concluded.  "Don't be staying up too late everyone, don't know what exactly we'll face tomorrow and beyond, but might as well have a good night's sleep before we do."

Everyone nodded and eventually went back to their card game, dealing in Simon and River.

***

River went through her bunk a few hours later, making sure she had everything for tomorrow.  Satisfied that she did, she slid everything under her bed and then sat down to read through the letter the Operative had written her.  She already knew it word for word, but the act of reading it gave her comfort.  The hatch to her bunk opened suddenly and she stashed the letter away and out of sight.

Expecting to see Simon or Kaylee, River was surprised to see Mal's boots coming down the ladder.

"What are you doing here?"  She asked.  He grinned as he came over and sat next to her, leaning in for a thorough kiss.

"Got tired of waitin' for you."  He said after he broke off.  "Nervous about tomorrow?"

"No," She said honestly.  She could tell he was reassured by her certainty.  "Just want to get it over with."  Mal nodded.

"I understand that."  He mused.  They sat in companionable silence for a while.  Mal looked around her bunk.  He'd never really spent much time in here, it was always River coming to him.  River looked with him, seeing her room through his eyes.  She had a few pictures of the crew up, some ballet slippers that Kaylee had bought for her two birthdays ago.  She never wore them, preferring to dance barefoot, but she loved looking at them.  They reminded her of being a girl, when ballet classes were the favorite part of her day.  Then just her closet of clothes.  She didn't have a lot of personal touches.  Having come to Serenity with nothing, she'd amassed surprisingly little in the way of possessions over the last three years.

"What's that?"  Mal asked, gesturing at the paper posted on her wall by her bed.  

"Canticles," River responded.  Seeing Mal's puzzlement, she explained, "It's from Shepherd Book's bible.  I ripped out the parts that didn't make any sense out of it for him, which turned out to be quite a lot, actually.  Thought at the time I was doing him a favour."  Mal chuckled and River smiled, remembering the gentle shepherd, the man with so many secrets, but with a heart full of love.  "I returned them to him but I kept one." She had wondered if the Shepherd had ever noticed, but if he did in life, he'd never said anything about it.

"Why did you keep it?" Mal asked.  River shrugged.

"I thought it was beautiful.  It's from the Song of Solomon.  'The Man describes his Lover's beauty.' " She recited some of the lines from memory. 

"How beautiful you are, my darling!   Oh, how beautiful!        
How much more pleasing is your love than wine,    
and the fragrance of your perfume  more than any spice!  
Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride;     

 milk and honey are under your tongue...  
You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride;         
you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.    
You are a garden fountain,   
a well of flowing water  streaming down from Lebanon."

 “That’s from the bible?” Mal asked skeptically, when she’d finished.  You know, the last woman who tried to pass off poetry for Bible ended up knocking me out and tryin’ to steal my boat. But I’ve wizened up in my old age."  He warned.  River giggled, remembering Saffron.

"No, it really is," She insisted.  She pulled the page off the wall and handed it to him as proof.  He skimmed over the words and whistled.

"Some of this is downright racy.  Those weren't verses read in any church my Momma used to take me!"  He laughed.  River smiled.

"It's supposed to be a metaphor for God's Love for us."  Mal raised his eyebrows and River grinned knowingly.  "Prudish old priests, making excuses.  Shepherd Book knew better." River assured him.

"I'm sure he did," Mal replied.  He looked over at her closet, continuing his curious examination of her things.  

"You still have the dress!"  He exclaimed.  She followed his eyes and realized he was looking at the green dress that she'd worn on the job in Paquin.  She blushed.  

"Inara gave it to me, after."  She explained.  "She said it suited me and I should have it."  

"It did," Mal smiled, his thoughts drifting back to the events of that night, of having her in his arms while she wore that dress.  Mal slid his hand under her sweater and ran his hands up and down her back. "You were beautiful in it.  You're always beautiful, Darlin' but that dress was a sight to see."  River smiled.

"I wish I had cause to wear it again," She said.

"Kaylee and Simon's wedding," Mal suggested.  "That'll be coming up in a few months."  They planned to get married on Harvest, Kaylee's home.  Simon was terrified as he'd never met Kaylee's family, other than over the cortex.  Kaylee was over the moon to celebrate with her family and crew together.

"Maybe then," River agreed, looking down, not telling him what she knew.  That she wouldn't be there to stand with Simon that day.  Mal didn't notice however.  He had gotten up and was fingering the green fabric.  He turned around to face her.  

"Can I stay in here tonight?" He asked.  She smiled and nodded. 

They lay down on the bed, taking their time undressing each other.  Their touches started out unhurried, leisurely.  Though it didn't take long for the familiar desire to start flaring up.

"Is this normal, Mal?  This, between us?" River whispered as Mal ran kisses down her chest, moving decidedly lower.  He looked up at her question.  His eyes were dark as he regarded her.

"Desire's always there Darlin,' we ain't exactly reinventin' the wheel here,"  Mal grinned running his tongue in circles over her abdomen, enjoying her responsive shivers.  River nodded, she knew that.  She'd felt desire before Mal, with the few partners she'd had.  But not like this. Her question still hung between them, unanswered.  

She purred with satisfaction as his mouth wandered lower, as he buried his tongue into the centre of her.  Her hands reached out on either side of her, one grabbing onto the pillow, the other bracing on the wall.  He was merciless as he found her clit and worried it with his tongue and teeth.  She bit down on her lip hard to keep from crying out, and her hips pushed herself towards his mouth.  She felt his fingers enter her as he tasted her, over and over.  It was sensory overload.

"Oh, my pretty, pretty Albatross," Mal murmured against her.  "I so love to see you like this, what I can do to you, what only I can do to you."

"Only you," She agreed with a moan.  Her hands moved to his hair and she ran her fingers through it, making fists in it.  "Mal, only you, only you."

He groaned at her words, his fingers and tongue moving faster in rhythm with each other. 

She came suddenly and hard, pulsating against him, around his fingers. He watched her hungrily as she came undone.

"Beautiful River," He whispered over and over again as she rode her orgasm.

She threw her head back on the pillow and felt him slide up her body to lay next to her.  When she opened her eyes again, he was looking down at her intently. 

"What?" She asked, smiling.

Mal brushed her hair back from her face and ran his fingers down through the ends, looking into her eyes.  "It's true what I said before, desire's always there between two people.  And yet..." He was thoughtful.

"It _is_ different, to answer your question from before.  I can't say what it is exactly, but I haven't felt this with another woman before you.  Not this depth of... wanting.  Even all that time ago, on Paquin, I knew it was different somehow."  He blushed at the admission.  "This that's between us, it's as new to me as it is to you.'"

River nodded.  She had suspected he would say something like that, because it was exactly how she felt.  She gazed at him, naked before her and knew she'd never want anything in her life the way she wanted Mal.  This man who had believed in her, had saved her.  This man who had shown her pleasure she couldn't have ever imagined, even as a reader.  And she so desperately wanted to return the favour...

It was her turn.  She shimmied down his body and rubbed her cheek against his cock, enjoying his sharp intake of breath as she did and feeling him become harder beneath her.  His hand fell to her head, and he threaded his fingers into her hair like she had done minutes before, as she took him into her mouth.  She glanced up at him and saw him looking intently at her, his lips parted and his eyes smoldering. 

"I want to eat you alive," She whispered with a wicked grin on her face.  Mal shuddered.

"Guess it goes both ways, little one," He replied with a satisfied groan, his eyes closing tightly as she began moving up and down on him, setting a slow torturous rhythm.  She ran her tongue over him, exploring, sucking, savouring the texture of him.  She felt the way his hips bucked and his hands tightened in her hair.  She continued like that, undoing him slowly with each lick of her tongue, knowing before even he did what he wanted and needed.

She brought him until he was at the precipice and then suddenly halted, looking up at him smugly.  He looked down at her desperately.

"Witch," He whispered, but there was no anger in his voice, only lust.  His hands went down to her hips and pulled her up him.  

"Are you still ready for me, Darlin'?" He said huskily, his fingers going to her centre and groaning at how wet she was.

"Always," she said, humming with pleasure. 

As he entered her, love in his eyes, River whispered another line from Shepherd Book's bible.

"Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits."

***

"It'll never be enough, River," Mal whispered into her neck later that night, as they were drifting off to sleep. "No matter many times I have you, here like this, it will never be enough."


	13. Chapter 13

The next morning, Mal woke up before River did.  He gazed down at her for a few moments, watching her peaceful in sleep, before deciding to get up and check on things.  He dressed quietly, taking care not to wake her and parted with a gentle kiss on her cheek.

After carefully closing the hatch behind him, Mal was surprised to turn and find himself face to face with Zoe.  She looked plainly startled too, but to her credit, didn't say anything.  

"Morning Zoe," Mal met her gaze evenly.

"Morning Sir," Zoe replied.  "Did you sleep well?"   She glanced at River's closed door, her meaning was clear.

"I did," Mal answered.  Zoe continued to stare at him, obviously waiting for some kind of explanation.

After a moment,  "Been sleepin' this well about a month now."  Zoe's eyes widened slightly, but her expression made no other betrayal of her feelings.  

"Fact is, I mean to keep it up, as it happens.  Sleepin' well, that is."  Mal added.  He watched her face as she pondered what he had said.  It was neither the time or place to start justifying himself to his second mate, but he also didn't want her to think he was taking advantage of River.  He badly wanted her to at least give him the benefit of the doubt.  After a few seconds, she nodded slowly.

"Well in that case, I hope it goes well, Sir."  Mal was relieved.  

"Thanks."

***

It was almost time to leave the ship.  River landed Serenity on Shadow a little ahead of schedule and, everyone prepared quietly, arming themselves.  Mal didn't object to the grenades he saw Jayne trying to hide from him.  As far as he was concerned, he still didn't fully trust the Operative, and the more heat, the better.  

River refused any guns or any armour.  She wore a pair of simple leggings and a bulky sweater.  Mal was surprised, however, to see the sword that had been sent to her by the Operative at her side.

"River, you even know how to use that?" He asked, gesturing at the weapon.  River rolled her eyes at him.

"Better than you do," She retorted.  He winced, thinking of his humiliating attempt at swordsmanship back on Persephone that had almost ended him.  And then again of River taking down Reavers all on her own.

"Point taken," He said shortly.  "But why you have it here?"

"I'll be needing it," She replied, refusing to elaborate further.  This irritated Mal, he didn't like not knowing all the sides to a plan.  But he also knew how River fought, and pictured her wielding that sword with deadly skill.  He figured her holding that sword offered them as much extra security as Jayne and his grenades, and likely more.

When they were ready, Zoe, Jayne, Simon, Mal and River exited Serenity using the mule.  Kaylee and Inara stayed behind, at the ready in the engine room and bridge respectively, prepared to move at the slightest notice.  

Mal had been dreading this part, he hadn't been back to Shadow since it had been destroyed.

He worked hard to ignore the pain that shot through him as he took in the home where he grew up.  The truth was, if he didn't know that these coordinates were that of his home planet, there'd be nothing in the landscape to suggest it to him.  The sky above them was dark with swirling, grey clouds.  Mal doubted any sunlight ever made it through anymore.  Bombs had created a nuclear winter on Shadow and it lived up to its name in a way it never had before.  There wasn't a trace of green, the ground was a drab brown colour, and the only signs that there had ever been terraforming were the unsettling skeletons of long dead trees, dotting the landscape, and an old fence.  Mal avoided looking at that fence the second he saw it, it's untended, and broken form struck him as desperately sad.  The wind around them was warm, but one could take no pleasure in it.  It had a sick, wrong feeling to it, like the warm breath of a feverish man.

He saw River shooting him glances and knew she was aware of his turmoil.  He gave her a weak nod.  The total destruction was hard to bear, but in a way, the fact that the landscape was unrecognizable made it easier for him to detach himself and focus on the job at hand.  He knew Zoe, the only of his crew to have ever been on the planet, and even met his mother once, was doing the same.

At the coordinates, they waited for the Operative. Minutes went by with nothing but silence. The unsettling breeze rustled around them and Mal watched as the dead branches of a tree close by them moved with the wind.

"Looks like he's not comin.'" Jayne kicked at the ground after a spell.

"He's comin'" Mal said grimly.  He glanced at River.  She looked tense, but didn't offer any insight, just stared straight ahead, fingering the sword at her side.  Simon stood at her side, looking around with horrified disbelief in his eyes.  Mal briefly reflected on how different the world must seem to the Doctor these past few years compared to the sheltered life he'd left behind.  Worlds like Shadow were nothing but names to people in the core.

More time past. Finally, the air around them changed.  Mal looked around.  He could hear the sound of approaching feet, and not of just one person.

"Look, Sir," Zoe gestured.  All around them, they saw lights, rapidly closing in on them.  As they became closer, it was possible to make out rifles, coming all around them.  Mal's heart started beating in a sick, fearful rhythm, as he felt Zoe beside him drawing the same conclusions he did.  "This don't seem right Sir."

"I'm sorry to keep you waiting Captain."  As though in answer to Zoe's comment, the Operative's smooth voice rang out.  "And I regret to say that I have you and your crew at somewhat of a disadvantage."  Mal looked to find five armoured soldiers now surrounding them with guns pointed at them.  He, Zoe, Jayne, Simon, River.  One soldier for each of them.  And that was only what he saw, he shrewdly wondered who was out there in what used to be hills that he couldn't see.  

"What is this?" Mal demanded.  The Operative gave him a long look.

"This is the meeting I asked you to keep.  You are, very politely, right on time.  I thank you for that."  The Operative replied.  "This will be our last meeting, Captain. Or more accurately, River Tam's last meeting."

Comprehension slowly dawned on Mal.  Their fatal mistake.

"We trusted you."  Mal whispered.  "There is no alliance assassin out to ambush River.  There's no plan to make here.   _This_ is the plan.   _You're_ the Operative, you always were."

"You are correct Mal."  The Operative inclined his head.  Mal's head spun.  All this time... all this time they had believed him, had placed Inara on Sihnon, with no defense, so this man could have a direct way of contacting them.  It was too much to process.

"But River..." He looked to her, she didn't look back at him.  "River said you spoke truth, she trusted you."

"Do you honestly think that boy on Regina was the only one to have training to withstand a psychic?" The Operative spoke in his unflappably calm voice.  "River Tam had no chance.  She believed what I allowed her to believe.  And it will be her undoing."  Mal watched River as he said this, her eyes were fixed on the man who had betrayed them, her head turned slightly to one side, the way she often did when she was trying to read someone.

"I will not allow River Tam's knowledge to be spread through the verse," He continued on. "Knowledge of the academy will be cause of more riots, uprisings, deaths.  And it will all be on me, if I do not stop her.  More than that, she is dangerous, a trained killer who could be set off any time.  Mal, I have always told you that.  An Albatross."

"Don't. Call. Her. That." Mal said through gritted teeth.

"Captain Reynolds, you will all be free to leave here, all except her.  And you will have the freedom to go anywhere in the Verse, take any job of your choosing. We won't stand in your way any longer.  It's a good life you can hope for, so long as you stay on the right side of the law going forward."  The Operative spoke in soothing tones, which were doing nothing for Mal's calm.  "All you must do is surrender your pilot."

"Not going to happen!" Jayne was the one who answered this time.  "There's a word we have for people who double cross us like this.  Cowards."  Mal looked at the Operative, his own sword drawn. Him against River. He found himself smiling knowingly.

"What is it?" The Operative asked.

"You'll never take her," Mal said with confidence.  "You can fight her with that sword, lose, and then put every gun you have on this gorram planet on her and you'll never take her."

"Let's see how she does when she cannot read her enemy's thoughts," The Operative replied, unfazed.  "And she cannot stop the five weapons trained on you and your crew. She can save one of you, maybe two. Who would she save, I wonder? Her Captain? Her beloved brother? Or one of the others...?"  He turned to his troops and gave orders.  "None of you are to shoot the girl, or any of the crew, unless they make a move towards her.  That is not the assignment and no one here is to be harmed.  Do nothing without my orders.  She is a psychic, and she will kill all of you without any hesitation."  He turned back to River.  Her hand was fisted around the sword and Mal saw she was ready to strike.  

"I always wanted to face you, little girl," He said, drawing his own sword.  She faced him, wordless, expressionless.  Mal watched that fighter's gaze overtake River and even through his horrible fear and anxiety, felt a surge of pride.  He glanced at the other members of his crew.  The doctor didn't look like he was in position to obey orders, he was plainly terrified for his sister.  Zoe and Jayne were looking to Mal however.  He nodded.   _You watch for your moment and you take them out, disarm the soldiers_ , he told them with his look, knowing they would see their orders through at all costs.

*** 

River and the Operative circled each other, swords at the ready.  The Operative was the first to attack, stabbing forward with his sword, testing the waters.  Mal watched River fly through the air, deftly missing every move the Operative made.  But as the fighting continued, and she struck out at him, he also watched the Operative dodge her, something he'd never seen someone do so skillfully before.  He was right, Mal realized.  River's skill matched him, but she couldn't anticipate the Operative's moves, something she had clearly relied on in her past fights.  

It went on and on, for minutes.  Attack and dodge, over and over their swords clashed against each other.  It was like some kind of sick, choreographed dance.  The two were equally matched.  He watched and felt the Operative was slowly making the same assessment.  River fought as hard as she ever did, with breathtaking speed, but Mal worried with a sinking heart that she wasn't adapting.  He thought back to when she sparred with Zoe the other day on Serenity, beating her so easily, over and over again.  She was so used to knowing what her opponents were going to do, that in this scenario, when she couldn't, River could only defend herself.  She couldn't find a way to act offensively.

The Operative, obviously starting to realize that he could not beat River with a sword, backed away on the pretense of trying a new strategy.  Mal thought back to that day when he had fought with a sword for the first time.  He'd thought he was doing alright, but Inara had known otherwise.  The Operative was toying with River, as Atherton Wing had toyed with Mal.  

"River," Mal muttered, aware of the rifle trained on him and feeling utterly powerless.  He watched in growing horror as the Operative pulled out a weapon that had been hidden on his person.  A gun.  Mal's heart leapt into his throat.

He pointed it at her and fired.  Missed.  She dodged it, sword still in hand as she swirled around him. Fire.  Miss.  Fire. Miss.  She was dodging the shots.  But just.

In the confusion created by the shots, Jayne managed to disarm the guard closest to him and kept the soldier's own gun trained on him.  

"Any move and I'll shoot him!" Jayne yelled to the other soldiers.  The other soldiers looked at the Operative, unsure what to do.  Mal observed the break in his guard's concentration by Jayne's outburst and saw his opportunity.  He pulled his own gun from its holster.  River was dancing around the Operative with her sword, struggling for an opportunity to attack.

Fire.  

Without any hesitation, Mal shot the Operative in the stomach. He watched him slump down.  But he had little satisfaction.  For it had been too late.  Far too late.  

As he had fired, so had the Operative.

The fourth shot.  It was a grotesque reenactment of that day back on Regina when River had been shot.  But unlike that day, when River had only been shot in the arm, this shot had hit true.

River’s fall was immediate and ugly, without any of her usual grace. Her head slammed into a large rock next to her on the way down.  

Time stopped.

 


	14. Chapter 14

 

"I don't think Shepherd Book would think you were going to the Special Hell," River said after a few minutes of watching at Mal.  She knew he was thinking on this as he gazed up at the Preacher's Bible page back on her bunk wall.  "Not because of me, anyway."  Mal smiled.

"Well thanks for sayin' so," He replied, turning back to her and running his hand down her arm.  She was cooling down from their earlier activities and the sweat clinging to her body was starting to dry.  "Though, even if I am going to the Special Hell, I figure it's a small price to pay for bein' with you."

"You aren't," River promised, giggling.  Then, more seriously, "Shepherd would have understood what's between us.  He knew you well.  And he knew me too."  Mal closed his eyes, thinking of the last time he saw Shepherd Book, when he had died in his arms on Haven.  He sighed sadly.

"Your name was one of the last things he said, little one," Mal remembered.  "He believed in you, knew we were doing the right thing, trusting in you. I guess you might be right, he might've come around."

"He wanted you to have faith." River whispered, reflecting on how badly the Shepherd had wanted to help Mal restore the beliefs he had once held so dear.  Book had known how it felt to be a broken man.  He knew that when a man had lost everything, only finding something new to believe in could restore him.  

"That he did," Mal agreed.  "Said it didn't matter what, just had to find something to have faith in."

"Did you?" River asked.  She sat up and looked down at him intently.

Mal gazed up at her thoughtfully.

"I found you," He said simply.  "You're Athena, my warrior goddess."

River smiled softly. "Well then, Malcolm Reynolds," She bent down and kissed him, a lingering, loving kiss.  When she pulled back, she looked him straight in the eye, her gaze still intent and solemn.

"Everything is going to be alright tomorrow. Everything will happen exactly as it should. Can you have faith in that?"

Mal swallowed. Her words scared him, made him wary for the morning to come.  But he didn't press her for an explanation, because he knew she wouldn't give one.  Instead, he smiled up at her and nodded, cupping her cheek in his hand.

"Yes.  I have faith in you, River Tam."

***

Mal couldn't tear his eyes away from River as she lay there now, in the dirt in front of him.

"Stand down," Croaked the Operative to his soldiers, laying on the ground, his sword at his side and his gun in his hand. Although he'd been shot, he was still coherent and gave orders.  All of the soldiers relaxed somewhat, though keeping their weapons trained on the crew.  Jayne continued to keep his gun on the solider he had disarmed.

"Doctor, get over there now!" Mal yelled, though Simon didn't need telling, he was already moving before the sentence was out of Mal's mouth.  But Mal watched as blood pooling around River's middle as she laid facedown in the dirt and he knew Simon was too late.  It wouldn't be enough, it would never be enough.  

Mal came to River's side. He heard a sound of anguish, an animal cry of pain. He realized dimly that it was emanating from him. Simon turned his sister over, the red on her chest getting larger, soaking her clothing. It was a shot right to her heart.

"Doc, patch her up!" It was meant to be an order, but Mal felt a sob choke his throat and he had to swallow deeply over it in order to speak.  He watched as Simon pulled tools out of his bag, pulled her sweater up and began trying to stop the bleeding. "River," He whispered. _She said it was going to turn out alright.  She can't  have meant this._   he watched, feeling more helpless than he ever had before as the Simon held his hands over River's neck, feeling her pulse while holding pressure to the wound on her chest.

 Simon kept moving his fingers back and forth from River's wrist and neck.  Then he put his hand over her chest and began feeling around.

"Mal..." Simon whispered.  His voice sounded a million miles away. Mal remained oblivious for the moment to everything around him, not the doctor, not the soldiers with their guns pointed. Not Jayne holding the guard. Not Zoe, with that blank, soldier look in her face like the one he'd last seen the day she watched her husband die.  Not the Operative who lay only metres away from them, gazing at them with his dying eyes.

"Mal, listen!" Simon whispered again urgently, but Mal wouldn't listen. Simon grabbed his arm hard, and Mal wrenched it from his grasp.

"Don't you dare tell me to listen when she's dyin' in front of us, Doctor, how can you be like this with her-"  Simon grabbed his arm again and held on with vice like strength.

" _Captain Reynolds_ , Something is wrong here!" Simon hissed in a low voice, so only they could hear. Mal looked up at the use of his title.  He shook his head, trying to bring his soldier training back.  He forced the madness out of his mind and finally focused his attention to the doctor.  Once seeing he had Mal's ears, Simon continued in a low whisper.  "Mal.  Her pulse is strong. She's alive. She's unconscious, that bang on her head probably gave her a concussion, but she's alive. And this..." Simon touched his finger to River's chest. "Mal, this is blood, but there's no source."  He lowered his voice even quieter than before.  "She hasn't been shot."

They stared at each other in disbelief. Mal's mind started working.  He looked down at River and looked past all the blood to see her shallow, but even breaths.  

Everything will happen exactly as it should, River had said.

"Look at her yourself, she's breathing fine.  Do you understand what I'm saying?" Simon whispered again. Mal looked at the doctor then back down at River, turning it all around in his mind.  He glanced at the blood, still oozing from River.  Oozing.  But not  _pulsing_ , the way a shot to the heart, or an artery would certainly do.  And the flow of blood was slowing, yet her breaths continued evenly...  Mal glanced over to the Operative, who held his gaze unflinchingly.  He was the first to break away, thoughts swirling in his head.  He turned back to the doctor.

"She's dead," Mal whispered to Simon, beginning to understand.

" _No_ , Mal," Simon was frantic, "That's what I'm trying to say, she-" Mal interrupted him.

"Doctor!  I know  _exactly_  what you're sayin'.  And you listen to me right now.  As far as everyone else on this fucking planet is concerned right now. Jayne, Zoe and every gorram soldier that's starin' at us through the lens of their gun, River is dead.   _Dong ma_?"

Simon stared at him, his mouth gaping, but slowly began nodding.  Mal put his hand on his shoulder.

"Now you start treatin' her like you'd treat your dead sister."

At Simon's assent, Mal put his hand on the doctor's shoulder and stood up.  He walked slowly over to the Operative. The soldiers who were at his side as he lay dying trained their weapons.  One of them a few metres away was radioing for their own doctor, but one glance at the Operative told Mal any doctor would come too late.  The operative was a dead man and he knew it too. He nodded to his soldiers and waved them away a distance.  Mal knelt down at his side.

"This is the plan.  You're the Operative."  Mal said.  Echoing his words from before.  This time however, his words held a completely different meaning.  

"It was the only way, Mal," The Operative said, gasping with pain as he did. "I kill River for the Alliance. You kill me so I can't talk, can't debrief.  The soldiers will report what they see here, and there will be physical evidence that the girl died."

"River knew.  River _knows_." Mal whispered, correcting himself.  Their words the night before made more sense.  She had been trying to tell him this would happen, trying to tell him not to worry.  The Operative nodded weakly.  He grabbed Mal's hand. It wouldn't be long now and he struggled to get his words out.

"They'll let you take her back to your ship, Captain, I made sure of that.  They won't question what they've seen.  And I've ensured there will be footage of today for the interested parties to view.  The alliance will believe she's dead.  They'll be angry they don't have a body, so make sure they know there isn't one to come after.  Burn..." He gulped desperately for air. "burn some organic material, scatter it on that moon with your other fallen friends, with the pilot and the shepherd. Mourn her. And after you do, when the time is right, take on a new pilot. _Another_ girl, with a  _new_  name, a  _new_  identity."

"I shot you..." Mal said. He gazed at the man he'd surely killed, not sure how he felt about it.  It was too much to process all at once.

The Operative smiled weakly. "You did what you had to do.  I have faith in her too, Captain.  She gave my life meaning.  When my belief in the Alliance was... I decided to believe in her.  I did my best to atone for my sins.  I hope I've done right by her.  Keep her safe.  River Tam."  With that, the light in his eyes went out.  

Mal knelt beside him for a moment, allowing everything to sink in.  He looked over at Zoe and Jayne.  Zoe had a lone tear running down her face, the only sign of her emotion inside.  Jayne's eyes were blank.  They believed River was dead.  He couldn't let them believe otherwise, not yet.  He glanced at Simon.  He was making a show of trying to revive River, his motions desperate and frantic, like someone who knew their efforts were in vain, but couldn't stop.

"Jayne." Mal said.  " _Jayne_!" He yelled when he got no response.  Jayne looked over at him.  "Get her out of here, help Simon.  They won't stop us anymore."  He looked at the soldier closest to him, who nodded assent, as he knew that he would.  Mal took a deep breath.  "It's over." 

With a murderous glare at the soldier by him, Jayne begrudgingly went over.  Simon again, made a show of fighting Jayne, but gave up when Jayne, with incredible gentleness, lifted River into his arms and went back to the mule.  Wordlessly, Simon, Zoe and Mal fell in line behind him.  The soldiers kept their weapons trained, but did nothing as they sped away, back to the ship.  No one spoke.

Inara and Kaylee were waiting for them as the mule docked.  They rushed over.  Inara's hand flew to her face and her eyes widened as she saw River, laying on the floor of the mule, Simon kneeling beside her.  "Oh my god."

"River, honey!" Kaylee fell apart as her eyes went to where Inara was looking.  She knelt to the ground of the cargo hold.  She looked up at Simon. "Is she...?"

Simon watched her wordlessly, waiting for Mal's orders.  Mal was ruthless, he knew he had to be.

"Kaylee, mourn later, now you gotta get us out of here,  _dong ma_?"  Kaylee looked at him through the tears that were streaming down her face.  She looked like she was going to protest, but then she shut her mouth and nodded.  With one last devastated glance at River and Simon, she reluctantly left for the engine room.  Mal turned to Simon, understanding between them.

"Take your sister to the infirmary, doctor." Simon nodded and Jayne followed Simon, carrying River.  Inara went with them.

Zoe followed Mal to the bridge and was silent behind him as he input coordinates to get them off the god-forsaken planet that had once been his home.  He grabbed the helm and set to bringing Serenity out of the atmosphere.  He did this silently and methodically.  Within minutes they were into the black.  

"Sir." Zoe said.  She moved from her place behind him to sit beside him.  She rested her hand on his shoulder and looked searchingly into his face.  Mal looked at Zoe.  He saw the grief and concern in her eyes and felt a wave of love for his friend.  She'd only learned this morning just how much River meant to him and now...

"Sir, are you okay?"  Zoe asked gently.  He looked at her a long moment before he gave her a small smile.   

"I'm okay," Mal said.  "I don't understand everything, not yet, but I'm okay.  I surely am."  Zoe blinked at him in confusion, obviously thinking he was in some kind of bizarre form of shock.  He grabbed her by the hand and pulled her up with him to a standing position.

"Let's go down to the infirmary, I have something to show you."

***

When they arrived, Simon was going through his refrigerator.  River was laying on the stretcher by the wall.  Her head had a bandage on it, where she had hit it falling to the ground.  An IV was running into her arm and a blanket covered her. 

"Alright, doctor?" Mal asked, immediately going to River's side.  She was still unconscious, but her breaths were coming in even rhythm.  Her sweater was off and there was no trace of any blood anymore.  She looked like she was just asleep, if one could ignore the bandage hiding the ugly bump on her head.  Mal reached out and ran his hand down the side of her face.   _My girl_.

Simon turned upon their entering and gave him a relieved smile.  Zoe joined Mal and was staring incredulously.  She reached down and felt for River's pulse to find  it coming strongly against her fingers.  She peeled back the blanket and looked at River's chest, finding it unblemished.

"I gave her a light sedative about half an hour ago."  Simon replied.  "She started coming to while I was examining her. I sent Inara and Jayne out so they wouldn't see. I didn't know what you...  She does have a nasty concussion.  I was worried she might have a hematoma in the brain, but I did a quick scan and there's none."  He looked at his sister with wonder in his eyes. "No major damage really."

"What is this?"  Zoe asked, turning to Mal and Simon.

"Damned if I know all of it," Mal replied.  He went to the panel by the door and picked up the comm.

"Everyone to the infirmary, right now,"  He ordered, then turned back.  "We're off planet now, no reason to keep everyone in the dark."

Within a minute, Jayne, Kaylee and Inara all arrived.  Kaylee rushed to Simon and hugged him.

"I'm sorry, Simon," She whispered through her tears.  

"Kaylee, it's okay," Simon replied, pulling back to look at her.  "She's not dead."  He pointed her over to where River lay.  "See for yourself."  Through her tears, Kaylee gazed down at River, her eyes widening.

" _Wo de ma_ , she weren't movin' when I brought her in here," Jayne replied.  "I miss somethin'?"

"We all did," Inara answered, puzzled.  

Mal gestured to River's sleeping form.  "That's the one there who's got the master plan, we'll have to wait until she wakes.  Best I can tell is she and that Operative had some kind of plan to make it look like he killed her so we'd believe it, more importantly that the Alliance would believe it."

"Where is he?" Kaylee asked.

"Dead." Mal answered with a dark look.  He didn't elaborate and neither Kaylee or Inara asked.

"But all that blood," Zoe pointed out after a moment.  "It looked so real.  Where did it come from?"  Mal stopped.  Simon had said it was real blood, back on the surface.  He shook his head.

"I think I can answer that," Simon cut in.  He gestured to his fridge.  "Her blood supply is all gone, I just checked.  She must have taken it sometime in the last few days.  All that blood on the surface, that was hers.  If the Alliance examines it, which I'm sure they will, they'll find it a perfect match for River."  

Back when Serenity had broken down, they had returned to find a dying Mal who badly needed a blood transfusion.  It had been pure luck that Wash had been a blood type match for Mal and had been able to donate.  Everything had worked out that day, but they had been odds Simon was unwilling to gamble with.  After that day, Simon had insisted they all periodically give some of their blood. They needed to keep a store of blood to transfuse in case of an emergency.  He carefully kept bags of blood on board for every crewmember, typed, screened and ready for use.

"Strengthens the case," Mal mused.  Alliance would have footage of River being shot, the reactions of the crew and doctor, and physical evidence still on the surface proving River was dead.  And they had no witnesses to interrogate who could claim otherwise.  

"But how did she know?" Kaylee burst out.  "She's a reader, but she couldn't have known all this before you all went down to the surface!"

"He wrote me a letter," a small voice croaked.  Everyone whirled around as the girl in question spoke up.  "Inara gave it to me, it's all in there."  She smiled weakly at Mal, "You can read it if you want."  Mal looked at Inara, surprised.  She returned his gaze evenly and nodded.

"She's right, I gave it to her a few days ago."  She admitted.  "He told me not to tell anyone about it, and I trusted River to make the right judgment.  Looks like she did."

"I'm sorry I scared everyone," River whispered.  "He thought it was important you all believed I was dead on the surface."  She looked at her brother lovingly.  "I knew Simon would figure it out right away though."

"I'm just glad I didn't give it away," Simon replied, looking at the monitor to check her vitals and leaning down with a flashlight to look at her pupils.  He was indeed relieved he'd played his part well down at the surface.

"So, there ain't no assassin comin' after crazy here anymore?" Jayne asked, just to be sure.

"If it worked, Alliance will think she's dead," Zoe replied, eyeing River. "Mission accomplished."

"Well that's the best outcome, isn't it?" Kaylee exclaimed, her smile bright.  "We're all safe, River's safe!"

"That's the shape of it," Mal replied with a slow grin on his face.

"Look, I really do have to insist everyone leave," Simon cut in firmly.  "Rest and reduced stimulation are literally the best things for a person after concussion."  He smiled.  "River will have all the time in the world to celebrate.  Later."

He herded everyone to the door after they'd all gone to say goodbye to River.

Mal stayed behind when everyone left, still at River's side.  He ignored Simon's fussing behind him for a moment, 

"I thought I'd had a scare from you before little one, but that didn't even come close to today," His voice was rough as he bent to gently brush her cheek with his lips.  He pulled away and River took his hand.

"You had faith," She replied softly. 

"That I did," He agreed tenderly, stroking her wrist.  "Was still mighty scared for a while there though.  You okay?"  

She looked away, her eyes filling with tears.  "Another person to die for me." She whispered.  Mal flinched with the knowledge that the death was on him.  He wasn't sure if he regretted it or not, but he certainly regretted being the source of River's guilt.

"It's okay, Mal," She continued, looking at him, and he knew she was reading his feelings.  "It's what had to be done, and it was what he wanted.  Not blaming you, just... sad."  She reached her hand up and lay it on his cheeks.

"You don't worry 'bout that none, not right now," Mal replied firmly turning and planting a kiss on her wrist.  "Doc's right, Darlin,' you get some sleep."  He suddenly realized the doctor in question was still in the room.  He reluctantly turned away from River to see Simon a few feet away.  He was in the process of drawing something up into a syringe, but Mal knew he'd been fully aware of what had just transpired, that casual intimacy between his sister and his captain.  He gave Mal an appraising look.  Mal met his gaze without flinching.

"Somethin' to say, doc?"  He asked mildly.  Simon glanced at his sister briefly.  Seeming satisfied with what he saw on River's face, he shook his head.

"No..." Simon answered slowly.  "No.  Please, just give her some space.  A few hours at least.  She really does need to sleep with this kind of injury, I'm not exaggerating."

Mal nodded, standing up, but not before he squeezed River's hand.  "You need anything, I'll be here in a second, you hear?  And I'll be here when you wake up, that's a promise." River nodded, smiling.  Satisfied, Mal went for the door.  He looked back and smiled before exiting.

Simon looked at the door for a while after Mal had left, thinking about what he'd seen.  He looked back at his sister, but it was not the time or place to start interrogating her about the Captain.  He went and sat beside her.

"I drugged you again," He said with a slight smile on his face.  

"Worst doctor ever," She agreed with a giggle.  He laughed, then turned serious.

"It was a good plan," Simon told her.  "If it weren't for Mal, I would have given it away."

"Needed you there because you'd know right away." River answered.  "Everyone played their part.  You wouldn't have given it away."

"Did you give yourself that concussion on purpose?" Simon asked suspiciously.  He'd been wondering about that ever since this plan had become known to him.  River smiled ruefully.

"Needed to be out cold, not moving at all," She confirmed.  Simon shook his head, beyond irritated with his sister purposely giving herself a traumatic brain injury.

"I'll spare you the lecture." He said dryly.

"Thank you."

"It's amazing, really," Simon mused, after a few moments of silence.  "That man.  After everything that's happened, he died for you, didn't he?"  River closed her eyes.

"He did."  She said simply.  When she opened her eyes again, she looked sad, but also at peace. "But he died so I could have a life free of the Alliance.  He gave me a chance to love and be happy.  So I must honour him by doing just that."  She thought back to the conversation her and Mal had so long ago about survivor's guilt.

"Is it over, you think?  For real this time?" Simon asked, taking her hand in his.  River shrugged.

"They think I'm dead," She answered.  "And they'll have evidence that I'm dead on Shadow they can use.  But they'll keep tabs on Serenity for a while, just to make sure.  And to make sure the crew is going to go on some kind of revenge crusade against the Alliance."  Simon nodded, they'd already talked about most of this briefly.  And what they hadn't talked about made sense.  He wanted to ask more questions, but then realized he'd better follow his own advice.  He held up a syringe and couldn't suppress a smile at River's childish pout, the kind only a younger sister could make to her brother.

"It's just some Midazolam to help you get to sleep," Simon soothed.  "It'll get you to sleep, help you relax, but it wears off quick and won't leave you feeling foggy once it wears off, okay?  It's the same thing I gave you earlier."  

"Hate sleeping here." River complained as he began injecting the syringe into her IV.

"Just for one night," Simon promised, and then, in a haughty tone,  "I can't say I have a whole lot of sympathy for you, since you're the one who decided to hit your head on that rock."  River stuck her tongue out at him and he laughed despite himself.

"I'll come check on you later," Simon promised, then falling silent, seeing that the Midazolam had already done its job, and his sister was fast asleep.  He gently extracted his hand from hers, pulled up her blankets and turned out the light.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I looked and couldn't find the name of Mr Universe's moon. So I named it myself. Erlang.

 

"I'm glad she's okay," Zoe mused a few hours later, referring to River.  Everyone else had quit the galley after supper. while the two friends had gone sat on the couches with a bottle of whiskey between them to share.  "My care for that girl's crept up on me more than I realized."  She eyed Mal appraisingly as she said this, taking a sip from her cup.  "I guess you know somethin' about that too."

Mal blew out a slow breath and nodded.  Now that everything had calmed down, they were all safe and far into the black, he was feeling a bit sheepish again.  It wasn't easy to put this kind of thing into words around Zoe.  

"She's... not the same girl who came on board in that box," Mal started.  Zoe inclined her head in agreement.

"Ain't no one here suggestin' that, Sir."

"It's been a strange day, Zoe. Hell it's been a strange year. " Mal sighed.  He closed his eyes and hung his head back on the couch, feeling weary.  Zoe put her hand up.

"Captain, you don't need to explain to me." She started, but Mal shook his head and she trailed off.

"I want to." He said firmly.  She nodded, and sat back in her chair and waited.

"River... well you know, I've been thinkin' the last few weeks.  She's around the same age now that we were when we started in the army.  And she started fightin' her own kind of war when she was fourteen.  What she's been through, not the same as us, but it's not all  _different_  either."  He looked up.  Zoe's expression was calm and expectant.  "I guess I felt a connection to her, that way.  Felt it for a while now, maybe since Miranda.  Then that job on Paquin... well, I never did tell anyone, but as you may remember, River was pretendin' to be my wife.  And, well... she had to go a mite further in that portrayal to get the job done when we went up to do that deal..."  He saw Zoe's eyebrows raise at that piece of information, but made no other movement.  

"I felt more than a little in the way of _conflicted_ about it, don't get me wrong,"  He felt it was important to make this point.  "All it had been was part of the act she figured we needed to put on, and I tried to leave it behind when the job was done.  And mostly I did.  Tried to stay away from her a bit more, didn't want her gettin' ideas, didn't want myself to nether if I'm being fully truthful.  Then Inara and I... but then  _that_  ended." He shrugged his shoulders and went quiet.  Zoe leaned forward and filled their half empty glasses back up to full.  Then she picked hers up and sat back into her chair again.  She waited for Mal to go on and finally he did.

"We've gotten close," He continued.  "I rely on her on jobs, hell we _all_ rely on her.  I _trust_ her to do her job the way I trust you to do yours.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe it ain't so strange as it may seem to everyone else, her and I."  He looked at Zoe, pleadingly.  "She ain't young.  Well I mean she _is_ young, but I mean to say that she's lived through stuff we would probably shudder at, and you know as well as I do that's sayin' somethin'.  And she's fought through it, and come out stronger on the other end."  His pride shone through as he thought about his remarkable girl.

Zoe put her hand on his arm.  "You love her." She said simply.  Mal regarded Zoe for a moment, then nodded silently.  

"I won't lie," Zoe said. "When I saw you this mornin' at her door, I was pretty damn surprised, especially with Inara back.  You and I never really talked about that, and when she came back, I had thought you and her...  But as I thought a little more about it, I realized it wasn't as strange as I thought."  She gestured vaguely in the direction of Inara's shuttle. "Way I see it, a man wants a woman he can have all to himself, especially a man like you.  And work she does, Inara will never be only yours, and that'll never be enough."  Mal looked up.  Zoe was more perceptive than he gave her credit for.

"River... she ain't what I would have conjured for you.  But when I think on it... no one saw me and Wash as a pair neither, and he and I..."  Her eyes welled up a little and Mal's heart constricted a little for his friend.  He hadn't thought of that, the comparison Zoe might make.  He remembered how he had _hated_ her and Wash together when it first happened.  He'd gone from being the advocate for their new pilot to his number one enemy when him and Zoe got together.  How it didn't make sense to him, what his friend saw in that easy going, joking, clownish man, who was so different from her.  Until it came so that he couldn't see them apart.  Zoe shook her head, and smiled sadly. 

"Way I see it, you gotta take the love you got and hold it close, because it's all you have.  And if somethin' happens... well.  At least you'll _know_.  You'll know you loved freely with all your heart, and that'll be what keeps you goin."  Zoe nodded, and continued, almost to herself.  "Girl'll fight fierce and she'll love fierce.  And she'll stay true.  Just like you, Sir."

"And you," Mal said, taking Zoe's hand in a rare display of affection.  She squeezed his hand.  The tears shone in her eyes.  Then she let go of his hand as quickly as she had taken it.

"But," Zoe continued after a few minutes.  "I don't think this ends with us all sailing into the sunset like none of this just happened."  She looked at Mal.  "What now?"

"No," Mal agreed.  "Things are gonna have to change here, at least for the time being.  I'm only starting to get a plan goin' in my head.  I've set course for Erlang.  Zoe looked at him in surprise.  Mr. Universe's Moon.  They hadn't been back there in over a year. Mal nodded.

"First thing we're going to do is lay our friend to rest next to the others who we loved so much."

***

Serenity stopped once along the way, paid off the owner of a crematorium for his silence and left with the unclaimed ashes of some poor friendless soul.  

Reaching Erlang, they went down to the surface to say a pretend goodbye.

"It's not for real, Simon," Kaylee reminded him soothingly.  He glanced down at her.  Despite her words, he could tell it was unsettling for Kaylee too, having a fake funeral for River, alongside the graves of their sorely missed friends.

It wasn't difficult to be somber in this place at least.  The memories it dragged up were vividly chilling.  As a rule, Simon didn't attach much stock to gravesites.  He'd always held the belief that the dead were long gone from this life.  As such, their final resting places were a source of neither comfort or sorrow to the Doctor.  But this was the place in which they had fought and their friends had actually died, where _all_ of them might have. If it hadn't for River.  This was a place that had changed all of their fates.  Simon felt this acutely now as they stood here.  He tightened his grip on Kaylee's hand as he looked on and suppressed a shiver.

He saw Zoe looking at Wash's marker sadly, knowing her mind was on her lost husband.  Jayne, predictably stoic though he was, was stealing glances at Shepherd Book's smiling holographic face on his marker.  Inara had her head bowed and was speaking words in a low voice, praying.

When Simon looked at Mal, he saw that the Captain looked uncomfortable too, avoided looking at the new marker marked  _River Tam_ , with her smiling face on it.  He kept glancing back at the ship impatiently, like he wanted to get back. _Back to River_ , Simon thought.  He recalled a couple of mornings earlier when he'd gone to check on his sister on the infirmary.  He arrived to find Mal asleep awkwardly in a chair beside Simon's sister's stretcher, his hand entwined with hers like it had been there all night. 

He'd opened his mouth the say something that morning, but stopped when he saw River peering up at him, a knowing look in her face.

_What's going on here_?  He'd thought with increasing ire, knowing she'd pick up on his expression, if not the thoughts themselves.  River rolled her eyes at him and had given him a warning look.

_Leave it_ , that look had said. 

So Simon did leave it, for the moment.  But he was uneasy.

River of course had stayed on board today, this day of mourning.  River wasn't actually allowed to get off the ship at all right now. Not until the plan went into motion.  No one wanted to risk her being seen, and they couldn't be sure who was watching.  Even that morning as they arrived, River had spotted an Alliance ship close by Erlang.  It appeared to be involved in some routine mission, but everyone suspected that it was there observing their movements, and possibly watching them at this very moment.

"Get it done with Doctor," Mal said tightly, breaking the silence and jolting Simon out of his thoughts.  They all looked over to Simon and he glanced down at the urn he was holding.  Letting go of Kaylee's hand, he carefully opened the lid of the vessel.  It felt wrong to be scattering the ashes of some unclaimed person on some rim planet far from his original home in a sham ceremony.  But the alternative was worse.  And although he wasn't a religious man, Simon said a silent prayer for the ashes of this unknown stranger.

_I'm glad it's not really you, mei mei._ Simon thought, reflecting just how easily it might have been her, as he watched the wind to carry the ash all over the landscape, like dust.  They all watched it for a while.  Then, Zoe leaned down and touched the grave of her husband with her hand with reverence.  Once she was done, she turned around from the three markers and the rest of them followed suit.  Wordlessly, everyone made their way away from their little makeshift cemetery.

Simon was relieved to go back to the ship.

***

"I feel like I just got you and now I have to let you go."

Mal and River sat together companionably, his arm around her as they drank tea.  They were in the galley sitting side by side on one of the old loveseats, feet up on the table.  Although Mal and River hadn't been overt in affection while others were around, by some unspoken agreement, neither had they bothered to hide from anyone these last few days.  And from the knowing smirks Kaylee was giving him coupled with the pained looks Simon had on his face, they hadn't escaped notice.

"Ain't nobody lettin' no one go," Mal said firmly, looking down at her.  "And this was _your_ idea, by the way."  He reminded her.

"I know," River replied with a sigh, curling into him in a way he loved more than words.  "I know it's the safest way to do this.  Doesn't mean I have to like it."    

"It'll do you good, gettin' off this boat, seein' new things," Mal tried to pretend an excitement for her that he didn't feel.  Inside he felt hollow.  He was sad and scared to part with this woman.  "See somethin' new for a change, meet some new folk.  It'll be good for you.  Genius that you are, maybe you'll even learn a new thing or two."  He dropped a kiss down on her head and sighed.

"Besides, we'll still be here... I'll still be here, if you'll have me, that is." He looked away awkwardly and suddenly River felt his fear. That she would forget him, meet someone new.  Even now, after all they'd been through, part of Mal continued to fear he wasn't right for her.  She wished he could have her ability to see into people.  So that he could see into the truth of her.

"Oh, Mal," She whispered.  "Of course I'll have you.  You're the only one for me.  That'll never change."

He was surprised to find himself choking back tears, a rare event for him.  The conversation, coupled with the emotion of the last few days was catching up with him.  He tightened his grip on her.

"Don't know what you see in an old man like me." He muttered, his head bowed.

"Not so old," River whispered. "And a good match for crazy.  Probably says more about you than it does about me."  He laughed at that.

"It's not over, though, might never be," River continued on after a moment.  Mal thought on what she'd said for a spell.  They were free of the alliance, if they played their cards right.  But they _weren't_ free, not really.

"Can't be content to just fly under the radar, not forever, can we?"  She said.   _We,_  Mal noted.  Things weren't content, out here on the Rim. And he'd only stirred the pot, with the broadcasting of the Miranda experiments.  They couldn't come out and be honest about the academy, not now.  But that didn't matter that much.

He felt like a fraud.  The younger Mal would have been ashamed of the older Mal.  He had been feeling the winds of change recently.  Winds that would have once been to his liking.   _War.  Discontent._  But part of him didn't want that anymore.  He wanted to live his life, under the radar, life was just shiny, the way it was now.  With his crew, and tentatively, his woman by his side.

"No." He answered her.  "Things are gonna change.  But first we have to get you safe, get you out of alliance hands.  We can't do a gorram thing until they stop worryin' on you.  

"We'll be ready." River smiled at him.  "You and me.  And Zoe, Jayne, Simon, Kaylee.  We will be ready."  It was true.  But tonight was one night.  The _last_ night, River would be gone soon, and there would be much time between now and then.  He nodded, and pulled her close, burying into her.  

"Tomorrow comes early," Mal said into her hair, stroking her back.  She sighed.

"It does."  She agreed.  Mal stood up.

"So let's go to bed," Mal said huskily, pulling her up off the couch.

***

River disembarked serenity under the cover of night.  Goodbyes were swift and hasty.

The next day it was as though she'd never been there.  It was  _stark,_ the way life carried on.  Jobs came and went, smooth and mostly  _not_ smooth since she wasn't there to suss out their future.  But the continued on. _  
_

During her absence, Mal found that the others had made some keen observations of him and River.

"Missin' your bunk bein' warmed I bet," Jayne mentioned to him one morning, when they were alone in the galley.

"Jayne." Mal said warningly. His hand tightened on his beer as he stood up. 

"Hey, I ain't judgin'" Jayne seemed genuinely wounded by Mal's anger. "She's somethin' to look at, and not nearly as crazy as she were." He looked down.  "And hell maybe I don't want to rut with her, but jobs sure ain't the same without her."

Mal relaxed somewhat, realizing Jayne really was trying to sympathize in his own way.  He didn't answer, but he did sit down with them and they drank in silence, Jayne dealing out cards.

Inara surprised him by his bunk one night a few weeks after Shadow.

"When were you going to tell me about River?" Inara asked, without preamble.  She never did beat around the bush when she had something importantly say, Mal considered.

"I guess I thought you'd already figured it out," Mal replied grumpily. His voice was raw, he was missing his pilot something fierce and wasn't in the mood for explaining himself.  When he looked up at Inara however, he felt the pull of their history together and sighed. He wasn't getting away from this conversation tonight.  They walked into her shuttle together, and he waited in silence as she made tea.  It was amazing, how quickly she had made up the shuttle as though she had never left.  He looked at the tapestries and fabrics that hung, making her shuttle look like an exotic den, and a melancholic reminder of the nights he'd spent in here.

"I just... never saw this coming," Inara said doubtfully once she finally sat down facing him.

"Neither did I," Mal said honestly.  "I could have thought of a million or more reasons why it _wouldn't_ work, but it don't matter."   _Because it does work,_  he failed to add, but Inara picked up on what was unsaid.

"Mal." Inara was gentle but the rebuke in her voice was clear. "She's nineteen. I'm not surprised she had a crush on you, but for you to... It's taking advantage."

  
"Don't." The edge in Mal's voice had a dangerous tone. "Just don't, Inara. I love her if you must know. Ain't no advantage I have over her that she don't have over me tenfold." The surprise on her face was evident. She opened her mouth to reply but then closed it again. After a few minutes she bowed her head.

"It was because I wanted to take clients, wasn't it?" She wasn't bitter, just deeply sad.  Mal sighed.  He knew the heart of this conversation was about him and Inara. The emotions that had come with the end of him and Inara came back to him suddenly.  

"I'd be lyin' if I said things would be the same today if we hadn't gone down that road, 'Nara.  I really loved you," Mal admitted. "But I have to be honest with you. There's been a little more than there rightfully should have been between me and River for a while now, even before you and I... I just didn't want to admit it." Inara's surprised eyes met his, and he could see the hurt registered there. It annoyed Mal all of a sudden. She of all people should understood loving two people at once, and here she was hurt to hear that another person had been close to his heart.  

Mal knew deep down that if things had been different, if Inara had been able to give herself to him the way he'd always sought after, he and River may never be together.  He opened his mouth to explain. But what was the point of rehashing the past when it wouldn't change the present? So he closed his mouth again, he also couldn't picture the way their lives would be without River, couldn't picture _his_ world without her.  He was glad things had turned out the way they did, and wouldn't have had it any other way.  And thinking of that now that River was gone made him miss her  _painfully._

"I don't know if I can approve. She's far too young, and been through a lot. She's damaged." Inara said, after realizing Mal wasn't going to explain any more than he had.  And Mal knew that it was the only thing she'd ever say on it.  She loved River, and she'd never say a word against her, her judgement was reserved for him.  And he also knew that even though Inara loved him in her own way, she could never make a claim on his heart, not really.  He could feel the hurt because he had felt it, months before.

"Didn't conjure you would," Mal replied evenly. "But she _ain't_ damaged. She's been through hell but so have we all. If she's damaged, then so am I." He added the next cautiously, meaning it, but also knowing that she would get the point. "But I also don't need your approval."   _You and I are done, Inara.  I don't love you anymore._

"Mal." Inara was sad.

"Inara," He answered.  He was sad too. But not sad enough.  At least not where she was concerned.

***

Simon came onto the bridge as Mal was working on some course calculations

"It's about time you and I had a talk," Simon said.  Mal rubbed his face with his hand, thinking he'd never discussed his love life to this extent in his life, and never meant to again.

"Conjure it is, Doc, just surprised  _you_  were the last one I have to have this conversation with when you shoulda been the first."

"My sister could literally do anything she wanted, not to mention have anyone she wanted," Simon was quiet, ignoring Mal's facetiousness.  Mal looked up and with effort, reminded himself that this was River's _brother._ Who loved her.  He nodded as Simon went on.  "I don't need to tell you how smart she is.  Before she went to the academy, she had the world on a string.  She could have been a dancer, an artist, a writer, a physicist, a surgeon.  And now here she is, piloting a ship that keeps itself running on crime and prayers."

Mal looked down.  He'd expected to have a firey argument with Simon, but found himself unbearably _sad_.   Simon was touching on all of the insecurities Mal had where RIver was concerned.

Simon sat down in the seat next to Mal.  Then, he surprised him by pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two glasses.  He sat the glasses on the console, filled them both up and handed Mal one of them.

"I used to wish every day that River had never gone to that academy, that it had destroyed her life.  And mine.  And it did.  For so long." Simon took a long drink and stared out the window.  Mal stayed silent beside him, letting the doctor say his piece.  "I still do wish she'd never gone, she'd be better off for it, Shepherd Book and Wash would still be alive, I'd still have my job at the hospital.  But." Simon let out a long sigh.  "But we'd never be here, never have met you, Zoe, Inara, Kaylee... I'd never have known Kaylee... and even Jayne.  I'd never have known Wash and the Shepherd.  I hate that they're dead, but I'm glad I knew them.  And all those things... Miranda, the academy, the Reavers... that would all still be happening.  And River and I would be living in our little rich bubble on Osiris and wouldn't know any better."  Mal looked up and regarded Simon thoughtfully.  This was not the direction he thought this conversation would be going. Simon sighed.

"Do I miss my old life? Sometimes. But not as much as I thought I would if you asked me three years ago. I did good work there, but it's better out here.  When I think of before the academy and all River could have done or been... it all would have been for the benefit of the alliance. We'd have become clones of our parents.  As far as I'm concerned, when we got on this ship, we got on the  _right side_ of things for the first time in our lives.  We saw this Verse for what it is."  He turned to Mal.  "You taught us that."  He held up his drink as though to cheers Mal, who was still too surprised to react.  Simon took a sip.

"Uhh, thank you?" Mal said cautiously. "What you just said means a lot, doctor, it surely does. But I'd be lyin' if I said I didn't feel like I'm waitin' on the other shoe to drop here." Simon laughed, a short bark as he sipped his drink. He was silent a moment. Mal waited nervously. Finally, Simon continued.

"And as far as my sister is concerned.  Well you've lost people, friends, fighting for her, and I saw you when you thought you'd lost her, and I saw you after, when you realized you didn't. And I see you now." He smiled slightly. "You really miss her, don't you?"

"More than just about anything." Mal answered hoarsely.

Simon nodded. "Well that's one thing you and I have in common, Captain," He answered with a wan grin. He shook his head. "How can I be angry at you for loving her when I know she's the easiest person to love?" 

"Now, obviously, that doesn't mean you won't answer to me if you hurt her," Simon warned. "If you hurt her, I will kill you." Mal looked at Simon and knew that although his tone was a bit lighter than it had been, he was dead serious.

"I hurt her doc," Mal answered. "And I'll let you." They both sat after that, in silence.  


	16. Chapter 16

"Hell of a year, Mal," Monty contemplated as the two of them sat alone in a bar.  It was a job with his friend that Mal had been looking forward to.  A good chance for a breather.  He took a long sip from his pint and sighed, realizing just how right his friend was.

Slowly, but surely, Mal and his crew adjusted to the idea that Serenity was no longer a focus of the Alliance. The Operative had been true to his word, and the ship and crew had no run ins with the law since Shadow. They had even docked on a few core worlds without even a whiff of trouble. Of course, they'd always have Alliance tailing them, with the work they did. But there was no more special interest in them. It was as if the slate had been wiped clean.  Mal hated to admit it, but he felt freer than he'd felt since that fateful day Simon Tam had boarded his ship as a passenger along with his fugitive sister and as a result, changed their lives forever.

Unfortunately, this feeling was severely undercut for the painful hole the absences of said fugitive sister left in Mal.

One of the more positive side effects of their new freedom was that jobs were much easier to come by. Reputation was slowly growing that Serenity had a crew that could be relied on, that they worked hard, and dealt fair. Mal was tentatively encouraging his new contacts to refer Serenity to anyone else who needed to do business without too many questions and their contact list was slowly accumulating new names on new planets. There was more coin in their pockets than had been in a good many months.

Mal considered his crew, who sat together a few tables away as he took advantage of the time to speak with his friend alone.  The crew had gone on more or less the same too. After a few weeks of uncertainty, Inara had decided to remain on board for good. Things between her and Mal were a little frosty, but starting to heal.  As she sat now, chatting animatedly with Kaylee and Zoe, Mal knew it was Inara's other relationships on _Serenity_ that kept her on board, not her relationship with him. 

Zoe was largely unchanged, but Mal had noticed subtle changes in her as the sharp pain of Wash's absence began to give way to a more tolerable ache. She spoke of her husband more now, told stories and shared laughs. No longer did the rest of the crew feel they needed to avoid mentioning his name around her. She had taken over a great deal of flying of Serenity in the last months as well, and Mal wondered if the comfort of Wash's old chair wasn't doing his old friend some good too.

Simon and Kaylee had put all their wedding plans on hold, which hadn't really surprised Mal much. Although Kaylee had been disappointed by this, and it had been a bit difficult to change all of the plans made on her family's homestead where the wedding was going to take place, her and Simon agreed to wait for the right time. When their family could be reunited.

As for Jayne, he was as ever a merciful constant in a changing world. Surly, grumpy, but undeniably family. He did all his jobs well, and gone were the days Mal questioned the loyalty of the mercenary. Or at least he didn't question it _as much_.

****

It was a rare chance to catch up and gossip with Monty.  Despite meeting him twice over the last few months, it was the first time Mal had a chance to really sit down with him since Regina. They'd shared some laughs as each of them recounted funny stories, and the talk was light. Eventually however, Monty sobered up as he began to discuss current goings on. glanced around him and lowered his voice so that it could hardly be heard over the din of the busy bar.  

"Reavers been coming more often" Monty murmured quietly and Mal leaned in to hear.  "Not sure if you heard, but _Liann Jiun_ and _Muir_ were attacked three months ago.  Within only a few days of each other.  Few hundred civvies killed. _Liann Jiun_ local heat reported to the Core, but all they got was some gorram memoranda with the latest recommendations for improving security.  What they didn't get was stuff they did need, like funding, manpower or weapons.  Had an attack of our own here few months ago."  Mal's eyebrows raised, concerned for his friend and his community.

"Monty, I had no idea.  Much damage done?  I didn't hear nothin' about any of that on the Cortex."  Mal shrewdly thought back to the small community he'd walked through earlier this morning.  No signs of mourning or rebuilding.  It certainly did seem unscathed, which was miraculous.  Although Mal had a sneaking suspicion he knew why.

"Didn't report it," Monty replied with a wave of his hand.  "We had no damage done.  None.  It wasn't long after we last spoke as you might remember.  Didn't want to report a Reaver attack to Alliance with nothin' and no one harmed." He met Mals' gaze levelly.  "Thought that might draw some unwanted attention."  

Mal nodded slowly and was grateful.  "Might do."  He agreed. 

"But reportin' ain't doing much good anyway, 'cept for gettin' word out there to the public," Monty continued on.  "We're three years from elections, and Alliance see no value in courtin' the good favour of Rim folk until they need votes.  Reavers are a problem Alliance created, and one they ain't dealin' with out here.  They're leavin' us to do their dirty work, and they don't venture far enough inward for the Core to take much note.  It ain't right.  And folk are gettin' damned sick of it.  No fancy core civvy has any notion of the damage caused by those  _Guàiwù_."

"No, that they do not,"  Mal agreed sagely.  He took a sip of his beer thoughtfully.  Reaver attacks were on the rise, more and more in the last few months.  They had died off a bit after Miranda, but in the last couple of years had started building up strength again and were venturing out.  His mind had been on so many other things he hadn't had the time to think much on it, but Mal wasn't surprised in the slightest that the Alliance was doing little to protect the outer planets.  They really were living in two 'Verses not one.  He'd seen it himself when they'd gone into some of the Core worlds the last few months.  It was literally night and day comparing those rich planets to the folk out on the borders.  He felt a familiar tug at his heart.  Words whispering to him quietly but insistently, familiar words that had driven a younger Malcolm Reynolds, like  _injustice_  and  _wrong_.

"What you told me about last time we spoke, that school on Osiris... ain't right what they did to just kids." Monty ventured after a few minutes. Mal's attention fixed back to the present as he considered his friend.  "Shouldn't be a secret.  People should know about this part of the Alliance, the way they know about everything else."

"Can't do that," Mal said firmly.  "We've been flyin' without no Alliance trouble for six months now, mean to keep it that way.  Had to let go of that when we let go of River.  Part of the deal."  His heart contracted painfully as he said the name of the woman he'd had to let go of.  "Ain't my job to take down the Alliance single handedly.  Let some fancy Cortex reporters do some work for a change, investigate instead of just touting government propaganda."

Monty shook his head.  "I understand that, Mal.  But folks talk.  I heard from General Tarkins 'bout a month ago.  He's on Santo these days, pretty high up in one of the smaller cities there and's been pretty outspoken 'bout cuts to security and development funding on their planet.  He's been startin' to get a following, people are pretty angry, unemployment's been a problem that's gettin' worse there.  They set up that fancy college too but there ain't no jobs to be had when kids finish, and no core planets'll take them."  He looked at Mal intently.  "The General'd like to meet up in a few months time, matter of fact.  And he mentioned you by name, would like you at that meeting."

Mal raised his eyebrows.  He'd only met General Tarkins on a few occasions during the war as the man far outranked him.  Tarkins had been one of the bigwigs on the side of the browncoats.  "What kind of a meeting?"  

"A meetin' to lay out a formal list of problems faced on the Rim, see which issues are common between settlements and can be shared regardless of the planet or moon you're on out here.  People gettin' more and more uneasy these days, it's time to unify some of our goals.  Make it easier to challenge the Alliance on some of their methods.  Monty didn't beat around the bush, one of the things Mal appreciated about his friend, but he was still surprised by the bluntness of his next words.  "Frankly, wouldn't be surprised to see war brewing in a year or so."  

"Who else is going?"  Mal ignored the implications of Monty's last, but couldn't quite suppress a shiver.   _More things change the more they stay_ , he thought darkly.

Monty listed off a few names, most names familiar to Mal from the war.  He held up his hand before Mal could respond.  "Now I ain't sayin' conflict is our objective.  I sure as hell ain't no green eager volunteer no more, just like you.  We know exactly what we'd be gettin' ourselves into on that front.  But what I also know is somethin's gotta change and we aren't sure how open the Alliance will be to the kind of change that needs to happen out here.  You know I'm right on this."  Mal didn't reply but gave him a small nod.

 "You got good crew, Mal." Monty said after a few moments.  "All of you young'n strong.  Good skills and used to being on the other side of the law. Easily prepared and made useful if it comes to it."

"Not everyone on my boat's got a soldier's life in'em," Mal snapped, immediately feeling protective of Kaylee, Inara and even to some degree, Simon.  "Got some civvies too who got no plans to be changin' that."

"I know that Mal," Monty agreed, his tone placating.  "But they aren't in bad trades for civvies to have.  Good mechanic, a doctor.  Surgeon actually.  Even that Companion of yours has pilot skills.  They don't have enlist to be of use.  But I don't mean to get ahead of myself.  I'm talkin' about making some changes out here, just sayin' when it comes down to it, change might not be as simple as winning a few elections."

WIth a sigh, Mal nodded.  Kaylee and Simon's worth was indispensible on his boat.  Both's ingenuity had saved all of their skins on more than one occasion and he couldn't disagree with Monty's logic.  Inara too had plenty of skills, not to mention her weight in gold when it came to connections.  

It was just a lot to take in.  It made him scared for the future.  He had just gained some peace on his boat and this would be sure disruption to that.  And there'd been so much strife for his crew for so long.  It figured that just as things seemed like they were turning for the better, his friend would bring all this up.

"Anyways, just think about it is all I'm sayin' right now, okay?" Monty said, seeming to sense the direction of Mal's thoughts.  "General Tarkins always respected you, said you were a good soldier.  It'd mean a lot with him to meet you, hear what you have to say.  Will you think about it?

"I will," Mal sighed.  "And I do agree with all you said.  It's just been non-stop, it seems.  Sometimes wish things could calm down a little, you know?  But it don't seem to be in the cards for us."

"You really wanted calm, you wouldn't be flyin' that boat around to God knows where, doing all manner of illegal activities." Monty shot back.  Mal barked a laugh at that, knew he'd been bested.  He picked up his beer and held it out.  Monty clinked his glass back and grinned.

"I'll think about it," Mal promised after a minute or two.  Monty nodded.  More silence passed as they drank under the weight of all they'd discussed.

"How are you doing otherwise?  Know you've been busy with jobs."  Monty asked.

"Too many to count, that's a fact." Mal responded with a wry grin.  They discussed that a long time until a lull in the conversation allowed Monty to change the subject.

"And piloting?  How's that going?"  Monty was casual.  Mal's heart quickened as he looked up sharply at his friend.  

"Bit tiring if I'm honest with you, Zoe and I taking turns flying our boat with everything else we have to do.  Inara occasionally takes a crack at it too, but it's a lot with everything else to be done."

"Hmmm,"  Monty was quiet for a moment.  Any thoughts about taking on new crew?"  Mal couldn't help gaping at his friend.  He hadn't known they'd be discussing this today.  There were a lot of plans out of his control that he had entrusted to Monty, and he had waved off the hopeful questions of Simon and Kaylee earlier this morning, telling them not to get ahead of themselves.  

"Well I reckon it'll be about time, sometime soon," Mal was cautious.  He feigned a calm he didn't feel. "Bit hard though, losin' the two best in the verse. I think we're all afraid no one'll measure up."

Monty's eyes twinkled. "Thought you might say that.  But you know Mal, I just so happen to have a cousin of mine who has some skill. I've got no need for a pilot, and I know she'd be glad for a chance to take to the sky. How would you feel about me introducin' you?  Because I just so happened to make sure she was here today."

Mal looked around, paranoid.  No one in the crowded bar was paying special attention to them.  "Seems to me last time you mentioned that cousin, she was still in flight training."  He said pointedly.  "As in a few months left at least."

Monty shrugged.  "Finished early, genius that she is.  Top of her class too, makin' all the family proud."  He looked Mal in the eye and was very deliberate.  "Have all her paperwork here if you doubt me."

Mal took his meaning.  A new identity and qualifications were secured.  There wouldn't be any questions.  Mal's already fluttering heart started hammering in his chest.   _Of all the days..._

"Well, top of her class and all, guess I can't say no to that." Mal's voice was hoarse, struggling to maintain his casual demeanour.

"You know, I thought you might say that," Monty replied with an easy smile on his face.  He looked away and motioned one of his crew with a slight wave of hand.  "She's just here now as a matter of fact.  Would you like to meet her?"

Mal looked down into his beer.  It was a moment before he could make himself look over.  When he did, it took him but a moment to find the person Monty had described.  The girl was small, her smile was shy as she approached Monty and Mal. Her hair was honey coloured and hung just below her shoulders, with a wave to it. She even wore makeup, making her look a lot more exotic than he was used to.  Her clothes were new but modest. Mal felt a mixture of excitement and insecurity.  She looked like the stranger she was supposed to be.  

Mal glanced down over himself, second day clothes, unwashed hair. He suddenly felt more aware of his appearance than he'd been in a long time. When he looked back up, she was already standing in front of him.  He felt his throat dry up.  Monty stood up, apparently oblivious to Mal's discomfiture. 

"Mal Reynolds, meet my cousin Iris, Iris Bryson. Been stayin' with my sister these last few months off planet, brought her in special, to meet you. Iris, this is Captain Reynolds, he's looking for a new pilot, and I told him you're about the best in the verse." Monty grinned as he looked between the two.  Iris Bryson smiled slightly and slowly reached out her hand.  Mal stared at her small hand for a moment before took it gently, his own hand shaking.

"Miss Bryson," He said, his voice uncertain, but hopeful.

"Pleased to meet you, Captain Reynolds." As calm as she was outwardly, Mal didn't mistake the excitement and joy sparkling in her eyes as his hand enveloped hers.  All his fear, fear she'd forgotten him, fear she'd move on and not want to come back fell away and love took it's place.   _Oh, I know you, Darlin,_ Mal thought, his hand buzzing from the contact with her skin. _I'd know you anywhere._

"You too, Miss Bryson." He replied warmly. "Your Uncle here says you're keen to fly.  I'll take you up to my boat. _Serenity_ she's called, Firefly class. A fine ship. I'll give you a tour, you can take her for a spin and we'll see if we can work something out. If you'll have me, that is."  His last sentence echoed one of their last conversations, and he saw in her eyes she remembered.  Her smile widened.  He continued gazing at her a few moments, drinking her in, realizing more and more that the changes were only on the surface, and she really was the same person.  At Monty's slight cough, Mal gradually became aware of his surroundings again.  He shook his head and straightened up.  He gestured to a table behind her.

"My crew will all be thrilled to meet you I'm sure." Mal broke away from her face and looked over her shoulder, and River Tam turned to follow his gaze. He wasn't the only one affected by her entrance.  There, a few tables down, were Simon, Kaylee, Inara, Jayne and Zoe. They all sat together, pretending to have a casual drink, but she could see her own excitement mirrored in their faces. Kaylee looked like she was about to burst. Simon held his beer so tight, the pint glass would probably break at any second. He looked like he was about to cry. Inara shined as she mouthed Hello, and Zoe raised her glass ever so slightly to River's direction. Even Jayne had a look on his face that in the right light could be construed as a grin.

She smiled at them before looking back to Mal, eyes shining.  They held each other's eyes, saying everything in it that they couldn't put into words, at least not in this place.

"It sounds perfect." She replied, feeling her eyes fill with tears.  After a moment, she turned to Monty and gave him a big hug. "Thanks for everything," She whispered, emotionally, a few tears escaping onto her cheek. Monty patted her back.

"Anytime sweetheart. And none of that now, this isn't goodbye, not really.  Don't be a stranger, you hear?" She shook her head and Mal knew he wasn't mistaking the tear in his gruff friend's eye as well as he said goodbye. Mal shook Monty's hand and the two embraced.

"Thank you," Mal said with feeling.  "We owe you more than we could ever repay."

"Nothin' to it," Monty replied, shaking off the gratitude awkwardly.  "You and you crew are family, you know that.  She's family now.  Keep her safe.  And love her well."

Mal nodded, unsurprised that Monty had picked up more than he'd been told.

"Take care, we'll be sure to visit soon.  Once Miss Bryson here settles in."  Mal answered with an almost giddy nod to his new crewmember.

"Good luck, fly true." Monty said with a wink before turning to leave the bar.

As they walked over to the crew, Mal couldn't resist putting his hand on the shoulder of his new crew member.  Even though it was still a bit risky to show too much affection in public, he could feel the subtle turn of her into his touch. Even after all this time she fit perfectly.  All the past months fell away, and it suddenly felt like they'd never been apart.

"You know Miss Bryson," Mal remarked with a casual drawl as they neared the table where their crew sat. "You sure do remind me a lot of a girl I used to know. Our old pilot in fact." She smiled up at him, her face shining with all the light and love he'd only seen in his memory all these past months. 

"What was her name?"  She asked.

"Her name was River," Mal said the word like it was a prayer.

He sent a quick thought of thanks to the Operative, who made this day possible. Who died so that River may live.  

"River" She murmured, the word rolling off her tongue. "I hope someday you'll tell me about her."

"I just might Darlin'" Mal answered, emotion swelling in his chest.  He reluctantly released her so she could make her 'introductions" to the crew. But it was easier letting go knowing that after today, he would never really let go of her again.

He watched as she sat down with the crew and the rightness of the moment was breathtaking. As he took his own seat at the table with his family, She looked at him, eyes shining with love.

And just like that, although life would never be easy for them, and war might be on the horizon whether he wanted it or not, Mal knew things were going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.
> 
> Last chapter, thanks for reading. I don't currently have plans to continue writing in this universe, but I know there are many adventures down the line for our favourite crew.
> 
> Thanks all for the kind reviews and hope you all enjoyed reading as much as I did writing. Any comments, criticisms and suggestions are always welcome.


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